Advertising on the Internet...

I've made a point previously that, in my opinion, the internet is becoming worse from day to day. I recently tried to sell something on Ebay to find that there is little seller protection on the site. You can't even leave negative feedback for someone who has messed you around. As such, the only people who seem to sell on there now are big companies or independent stores. It is now very hard to get a bargain.

Facebook, Youtube and other major sites are now host to borders of adverts that systematically get as much (inaccurate) information from you as possible in order to sell you junk.

Corporations have hijacked every corner of the web, popups have been entirely replaced by whole screens that jump in front of your eyes to lock your PC, and you can't even watch a video without first having to sit through 30 seconds of advertisement.

Previously, clicking in the wrong place whilst browsing was a mild inconvenience; easily solved by pressing the 'back' button. Now, an incorrect click can result in you downloading something entirely unpleasant onto your PC. Even legitimate download sites are plastered with banners such as these that only promote confusion:

Circled are no less than three 'download' links. Of which two undoubtedly lead to bad porn.

People often think that because a guy is surfing the net, he is looking for porn and thus, any advertisement that leads to smut is going to be appreciated. I'm sorry to say that this is not true. Whilst 90% of a blokes time on the internet is undoubtedly spent looking at porn, the other 10% usually has a purpose and having the worst kind of depravity thrust in your face at every opportunity is never appreciated.

Don't believe me? Well see how you like it the next time this appears on your screen whilst you're trying to show your nan how to set up an email account:

And believe me, that is not the worst there is. For those of you who have not heard of 'Rule 34', it is a widely accepted internet rule that states "if it exists, there is porn of it." I have no doubt that it is true and you will undoubtedly see evidence for yourself if you surf the net for long enough.

I understand that hosting advertisements is sometimes necessary for a website in order for the maker to get a steady cash flow. It pays for the upkeep of the site and in some circumstances, it may even be welcomed by the person browsing if they are actually looking to buy something. But, I ask a simple question:

Has anyone EVER bought anything that was sold to them through an invasive pop-up or browser diversion?

I expect that few people have. The reason is simply because in this day and age, nobody trusts something that is thrust into their face. It's the same feeling when visiting an Egyptian market. If a person comes up to you with their wares and shoves it in your face and announces that you should buy it because it is what you like then you are immediately going to walk away. Even if you actually liked what was being sold, you would not buy it because it stinks of 'seller desperation' and human nature is to disagree when someone tells you what you should like.

The worst culprits are the advertisements which prey on sad, lonely or vulnerable people. Whilst browsing (on non-porn related) websites and forums, I have seen the following popups in the corner of my screen:

Now, it's not the 'look' of the models that I'm calling into question, nor the fact that the model that claims to be 30 looks younger than the one claiming to be 18; it's the fact that not a single one of them has got any reference to anything remotely 'Stokey' in their usernames. Much like similar advertisements for 'dating sites', I would expect real Stokies to have usernames such as 'Oatcakelass69', 'Pottersforever1' or at least some reference to the magnificent museum we have. I've even seen a picture of a girl posing in front of palm trees with a note underneath claiming she is from Stoke.

If you've never visited Stoke, I will ruin the fantasy for you now. There are no palm trees.

One day, I would really like to be able to use the internet without getting sidetracked by an advert, tricked by a banner, or accidentally downloading 'Interracial Granny Midget Trannies 5' instead of the finale of Breaking Bad.

... and guys, if you are looking for porn I'm sure there are far safer sources on the internet than the suspicious pop-up in the corner of the screen. 

Why 'Prometheus' Made NO SENSE (to me)

Firstly, I have to say that if you have not seen Prometheus then this article will be one big SPOILER. Though, I can't say that this will spoil the film more than actually watching it. If you haven't seen Prometheus but aren't planning to do so go and have a look at the Prometheus Wikipedia page so what I'm about to say makes sense.

Earlier this month, a long anticipated 'prequel' to the immensely popular Alien franchise was released. Prometheus promised to start a brand new story arc based in the same universe as Alien and set prior to the events of the first Alien film. There was a pretty decent viral advertising campaign and tantalising glimpses that indicated the very origin of the xenomorphs was going to be revealed. I have to state now that although it was made clear from the beginning that Ridley Scott did not wish to ride the wave of success of the first Alien film, there was hope and indications that there were going to be 'hints' of xenomorphs in the movie.

I went to see the movie when it was released and did so with an open mind. I made sure I did not watch any of the Alien films in the months leading up to the film being released because I knew that it was entirely possible this would be a something new. Needless to say, I saw the film and as you've probably guessed by the tone of this post, I hated it.

Prometheus was supposed to be a new story arc and I was ready for this. But this is where my first gripe comes in. Ridley Scott indicated that this would be a new story and that there would potentially only be as subtle taste of xenomorphs in the film. Indeed, this is what many of the movie magazines had us believing so if it was not Ridley who explicitly stated this, then I guess I should apologise now. But anyway, I felt as though I was promised one of two things. Either:

1) A brand new film with brand new characters and new protagonists (but set in the Alien) universe


OR


2) A direct prequel to Alien with the xenomorph origin being fully explained, or at least explained to a point that would mean another film would not have to be made in order to provide closure.

Prometheus was neither of these. It felt as though the film started with the intention of it being something completely new and then, as it progressed, the design team and director thought, "Ok, we'll have a reference to Alien here. Oh, and here... and here... and in that room later on." until finally he gave up and closed the film with the birth of something which is clearly an early version of the xenomorph (something which has been dubbed the 'proto-alien' online).

 In other words, this ugly mofo.

So, this wasn't a new film, it was clearly riding the wave of success of Alien. That's fine with me, but if that's the case then did we get closure?... No. In fact, not only did we not get closure, but we got a whole host of unanswered questions which will only be answered if Mr. Scott decides to do another film.

Now don't get me wrong, I know there are a whole troop of people who loved Prometheus and are defending it admirably online. I tip my hat to you good people and this blog is not an attempt to make you hate it; it is simply a rant about why I don't like the film.

The problem with Prometheus is that it linked too heavily with the Alien franchise and the explanation it offered for this link was poor. The people defending the film online have managed to explain the movie far better than it did itself but they have only done this after watching the film multiple times and scrutinising every interview with the directors and cast. Hell, some people appear to have done research into ancient stories and legends to formulate a reason as to why the movie is clever. I don't care if its clever, or if it has multiple mythological and metaphorical references. A film that does not clearly explain itself and requires its fan base to do research in order to understand it is, in my opinion, shit.

Just so you know, these explanations don't seem to answer everything and seem to range from things like 'Space Jesus' to 'mankind being an experiment' and they suggest that 'mankinds destructive nature perverts the true function of the black goo' seen in the film. This 'perversion' of the goo is apparently why the xenomorphs (and the other 'aliens' in the film) came to be. That, for me, is the wankiest origin story to one of my favourite sci-fi monsters. It also doesn't really fit into a sci-fi film.

All hail the black goo.

I understand that not all science fiction can be explained easily by modern science but it seems highly unlikely (some biologists say 'impossible') that black goo could manipulate and mutate something in such a short space of time. But lets ignore that niggle for now.

So, the aliens were either a perversion of this goo or -- as I like to think -- an ultimate 'planet clearing' weapon. I do like the idea that mankind was created with the intention of us being the first test of what the xenomorphs could do to a planets population and I like the idea of the xenomorphs being created as a weapon. But, this then brings up my primary gripe with this film.

How the hell were the 'Engineers' (or 'Space Jockeys') even aware of the xenomorphs, or the potential for them to be created? When the science team enter the alien 'structure' we see numerous motifs and symbols on the walls.

 Such as this one (click to enlarge)...

One of these clearly depicts a very xenomorph-like creature which hints quite heavily that the Engineers had seen these beings before. But how? How can they have seen one when it would appear that the only way to create a xenomorph is for the following to happen:

1) Black goo activates in human presence. Black goo infects human.
2) Human mates with other human.
3) Other human has 'squid baby' (or as some people are calling it, the 'proto-facehugger').
4) Squid baby impregnates an Engineer in order for it to create a proto-alien.

That seems an awfully random and entirely unpredictable string of events that need to happen in order for a xenomorph to be born. When would the Engineers have had access to humans and been in a position to get them to ingest goo, then mate? It doesn't make sense.

Now, I am aware that this is possibly going to be a question that is answered in the next film, if it is ever made, but I feel cheated that I have to wait years just for this movie to make sense. I also feel annoyed because I doubt it will be answered and I can't help but think that the Prometheus writers are just scouring the Internet for the reaction of their fans so they can then explain the movie using the random theories that have accumulated since the film's release. I genuinely feel that they do not know what the next film will be about, or include, and they are waiting for the fans to explain and decide for them.

Another popular gripe is the simple fact that the scientists were quite shit. Really, they did not have a clue what they were doing and there was little explanation as to how they had come to accept a job travelling across space without any indication of what the mission was. This could all be down to poor planning by the company that hired them, but in the film the scientists themselves went around touching artifacts, taking their helmets off, grabbing things and then getting lost and killed. Hell, there are running jokes online about how it doesn't even occur to one of them to run sideways when they are about to be crushed by a huge, rolling spaceship. Then, when they are first confronted by an alien (which looks suspiciously like a penis cobra), rather than keeping a healthy distance and recording it, they try to pet it like a dog... What the actual fuck???

Isn't he cute? I'm going to call him 'Biter'.

So, all in all, my gripes are that the film did not fit into the Alien franchise, nor was it something different. The origin story doesn't make sense, the plot was not entirely believable and I didn't feel that the people on screen were scientists. So, was there anything I liked about the film?

Not really. I really wanted to love the film and I thought it was visually awesome. The sets were created well and Ridley Scott perfectly captured the feel and the technology of the Alien universe but this was overshadowed by the poor plot. I thought Michael Fassbender was awesome as the android David but David's actions were predictable and his character had been 'done' before in other Alien films.

Prometheus was not a very good standalone film and I'm sorry to say that it totally confused the Alien canon for me. A true shame, but there it is. Rant over.

Helping Hollywood...

Recently I went to the cinema to watch the most recent Sherlock Holmes film and just as I was relaxing, watching the trailers for upcoming movies, one of them really grabbed my attention. It was this:

I had a little bit of a sinking feeling when watching the trailer. Once again, it would seem that Hollywood has run out of ideas and, not content with making films based on theme park rides or phone apps, they have now decided to go back in time a little and make classic board games into movies.

The strangest thing about this is not that it is based on a board game, it's the fact that they managed to get it wrong. You see, although it is never specified who the enemy is when you are playing the board game Battleship, it is fairly obvious that the enemy is not aliens. In the movie however, the enemy is most definitely aliens.

Now, without seeing the film I cannot judge it but there are some things that immediately don't make sense. For example, why would aliens, who have clearly mastered interstellar travel come all the way to Earth to sit in some water and blast at things with cannons... afterall, they could surely do that from orbit? And why create a 'force bubble' around the area of combat instead of around your own hull?

Anyway, Liam Neeson is in the film so maybe he will save it, but the whole thing got me thinking: maybe there are more board games that could be adapted to film? Afterall, there are some that must make more sense than Battleship. For example:


Hungry Hungry Hippos:

The premise: Scientists in some large, generic American city, capture and test various drugs on hippos in an effort to produce a cure for Parkinson's disease. The tests go terribly wrong and the hippos -- now stained different colours by the drugs -- are whipped into an eating frenzy, growing larger, more powerful and more aggressive in the process.

The plot: These 'super hippos' escape the labs and begin decimating the American cities. Animal welfare organisations step in and insist that the government capture the hippos in a humane way to minimize the stress to the already pissed off hippos. A couple of failed attempts at capture later and the government decide that they will shoot the hippos. An unknown hero (probably Nicholas Cage) -- a hippo expert -- warns the government that shooting one of the hippos will only cause the others to become more frenzied. The government ignores his advise and kills one of the hippos, causing the others to frenzy and enter a busy shopping mall. Inside, people are trapped with the raging hippos.

Nicholas Cage, who now has the attention of the government forces and is aided by a sexy lady scientist, devises a method to drug the hippos with an experimental antidote that was made in the same labs in which the hippos were produced. Cramming the drugs into white balls, Nicholas and the sexy scientist have to get safely inside the mall and get the hippos to eat as many drug balls as possible. They succeed and America is saved.

There's also some hippo-based nudity.

The movie poster:

Cluedo:

The premise: A group of people from different backgrounds are invited to a mansion owned by a deceased, distant family member. These people are told that they will each inherit a portion of the fortune but if any of them have passed away, the others will get a larger share.

The plot: Upon hearing that they could be in for a larger share if someone were to pass away, the various characters begin scheming against each other and as paranoia and distrust fills the mansion, a body is found. One of the people has been killed. But who is the killer?

A police inspector (probably Gary Oldman or someone like that) is called in to investigate and the suspects are all confined to the mansion. The exceedingly long film progresses with various accusations and some boring reveals about each of the characters pasts. A murder weapon is found, the location is known but each suspect seems to have a sold alibi. In the end (if anyone is actually still paying attention) there is a twist to the story which reveals that the killer was in fact the inspector who had been in the mansion all along and had committed murder to revive his dead career and prove himself to his superiors.

No nudity, or possibly a little bit of bum.

The movie poster:

Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur:

The premise: Imagine Jurassic Park, but instead of the dinosaurs all escaping and creating havoc on the island, they get pissed and spin around wildly in their enclosures, knocking over various supplies whilst vomiting.

The plot: The genetically engineered dinosaurs are accidentally introduced to alcohol after the islands wine barrels are damaged in a storm and their contents seep into the dinosaurs drinking water from the wine cellar on the island. The drunken dinosaurs spin uncontrollably, crashing into power supplies and fences, causing power surges throughout the park. With the power gone and the dinosaurs on the loose, the surviving humans have to dodge the spinning beasts and save as many of their supply crates as possible. In those crates are emergency beacons, food, flares and inflatable boats but will they be able to get to them before the dinosaurs do?

They do. And they get off the island. And then the drunken dinosaurs have a massive hangover. And die.

The movie poster:

The only nudity is some massive dinosaur dong.


I think, all in all, they could make some pretty damn good movies if Hollywood is successful with Battleship.

Ah, who am I kidding, they are all going to be toss... especially Battleship.

Naming the Masses...

I talked briefly in my last post about one of my gripes - people giving themselves nicknames. It got me thinking about the names that me and my friends (one of which has his own nickname: Jabba) had thought up for people.

The reason for this list is because it gives you an insight into what nicknames should be about and why sometimes it's just best to introduce yourself by your true name, lest we make up a name for you.

My apologies go out to anyone who suspects themselves to be on this list. I'm fairly sure I've not included anyone who will read this, but if so... well, I'm sorry, you should've introduced yourselves sooner:

1) Fat Man Sadsack
2) Klingon Dan
3) Shitface
4) Jellybaby Ange
5) Gummy Joe
6) Ugly Bob
7) Queer Dean
8) Rat-faced Ange
9) Horseface
10) Slabcraker/Rhinoceros face
11) Germ
12) Harry Potter Chris
13) Blind Andy
14) Doughnut Face
15) Behemoth
16) Metallica Mouse (this has got to be my favourite)
17) Kebab
18) Flammable Girl
19) Cross-eyed girl
20) Mightybeard
21) Lumberjack
22) Monk Guy
23) Linkin Park Kid
24) Bacheweychomp Boy
25) Pedo Jim
26) Shiny girl
27) Glasses girl
28) Cat girl
29) Jesus Mark
30) Big Fat Big Gay Rob (he wasn't even gay!)
31) Marcus Dweebus
32) Asteroid
33) Pink (someone who looked like Pink, the singer)
34) That Slut. (I guess our imagination ran out at this point)
35) Darrenindrag
36) Pube
37) Jim From American Pie
38) The 3rd Place
39) Voldo
40) Bam-Bam
41) Asteroth
42) Sausage Roll
43) Straight Face
44) Onion Tramp
45) Spitter
46) Leslak
47) Druggy/Douggie
48) Wolfturd
49) Pigby/Yank
50) Beetroot ghost
51) Anthony Stokes (this was my nickname for a short period)
52) Jimmy (his real name was Andrew... makes sense)
53) Grange Hill (pure genius, if you ever met this girl)
54) Cat pee Lady
55) Capital D (he was 'D' shaped)
56) Spherical Man/Fatback
57) Salad Fingers/Benny
58) Herman the German
59) Boxer Girl (she looked like a boxer)

Ok, so these are all the ones I can think of at the moment, but you can see the general trend here. Bar the occasional observational statement, most of these nicknames are not what people would like to introduce themselves as and, for that very reason, they are true nicknames.

Suddenly, your real name doesn't seem that bad does it?

The Things Men Say...

I live in Stoke. Yeah, on purpose. It's where I grew up.

The first thing I want to say is that it's not as bad as some people seem to think. Generally the crime levels aren't too high and there is not much violent crime. Whilst I have seen crime and experienced it firsthand, it's never been violent and I've never felt threatened where I live. I figured that Stoke hasn't discovered gunpowder or even iron yet so our gangs are still walking around with rocks tied to sticks and early Bronze Age weapons. This is probably why there isn't really much of a gang culture in my town.

Despite this, I do see the occasional chav in town arguing with his girlfriend. And then there was the guy who tried to kill himself by putting his head behind the wheel of a stationary bus after a failed attempt to hang himself with his jumper. So, I guess the reason we don't have violent crime here is because people are too 'simple' for armed conflict.

The way that the above men act -- especially around their partners -- does make me ponder over popular things that men say or do that are unique and annoying. I figured I would list some of them here:

1) "I'm a nice guy" - I think we all know someone like this. This is the person who has a deplorable lack of personality but views himself as the most suave motherfucker on the planet. One of my close friends recently bought to my attention this particular phrase which I realise I've actually heard said in pubs and bars many times. The type of person who says this is someone who was, at some point in their life, popular (for unknown reasons) and has latched onto a distant memory of a drunken idiot telling them this. This is the type of guy who refers to himself in the 3rd person.

Hand gesticulations are a must!

2) Referring to himself in the 3rd person - People don't tend to refer to themselves in the 3rd person in common conversation however a quick peek onto Facebook does show that this is used more often that you would think. When someone refers to themselves in the 3rd person they are essentially advertising the fact that they think so highly of themselves, they like nothing more than to hear their name said aloud. Either that or they're suffering from multiple personality syndrome... and all of the personalities are complete knobs.

3) Giving himself a nickname - Nicknames are something which should only really be used at school or perhaps in various workplaces. Aside from people working for MI6 or the CIA, nicknames shouldn't be something you give yourself. The only people with nicknames outside of these environments are serial killers and sex pests. It might be ok for other people to give someone a nickname (although these people should probably still be avoided) however giving yourself a nickname is just sad. "Hi, my name is Bob but my friends call me Razor". The appropriate response to someone saying this should be, "That's nice Bob, but I'm going to call you Cuntychops."

When I was younger there was a man who used to walk around the Wedgewood area of our town who asked women for the time whilst he dropped his pants and played with himself. We called him the Wedgewood Wanker. He is the perfect example of the type of person who has a nickname.

Yeah, this man looks pretty trustworthy.

4) "I have really low self esteem/I'm shy" - If a guy says this, it roughly translates to, "I'm used to girls falling over to grab my attention but I'm showing you that I really have a soft side and, deep down, I'm quite worried about the way people view me." Or, to put it another way, "I'm vain and I know I'm attractive enough to get you into bed."

Obviously, if the guy who says this is cowering in a corner, playing online games in the dark or pissing himself as he speaks, then he’s probably telling the truth.

5) “I set the internet history to automatically delete itself” – Yeah, this means porn has been viewed. The most sordid, most disgusting porn sites known to man have been looked at through that monitor. You have to think, if these things are bad enough for him to hide them from you then it’s probably best you don’t know what he’s looked at.

6) “This is our song” – Something which blokes quite often say to their girlfriends to recapture a romantic moment from their past. You can usually expect this to be the soppiest, most sickly-sweet, diabetes-inducing, cheesiest track you’ve ever heard. Something like Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” or Robbie Williams’ “Angels”. I once knew someone who worked at a hotel which provided a hall where wedding receptions were held and they had to listen to these songs played over and over and over on a weekly basis.

If you’re going to have a song that is an audio representation of your love for someone then for God’s sake, make it unique… something like Slayers “Raining Blood” perhaps?

7) Saying “I bloody love you” (whilst crying) – If a guy does this then I’ve got bad news for you. A) He’s a chav. B) He’s also probably cheating on you.

Says it all, really. 

8) Cheating on his girlfriend/wife and then saying he can change – OK, so if this has happened to you, and you’ve believed it and taken him back, then I’m sorry but you’re an idiot. He’s probably cheating on your right now.

9) “No, my best friend is black/gay/Jewish” – Yeah, right mate. According to this common statement, black people, gays and Jews must be the most popular people on the planet because I have heard this said on many, many occasions.

10) “I’m not racist but…” (launches into hate-filled rant) – The football-obsessed thug that usually launches himself headfirst into this rant is probably a supporter of the EDL, convinces himself that Asian people are going to take over the UK and can’t pronounce the word ‘England’ properly.



It’s important at this point to mention that despite popular belief, and despite outward appearances, not all guys are terrible, terrible people. And, there are many things that women do that are equally annoying, but I’ll leave that list to a lady.

Rant over. Now, I’m going to go and delete my internet history before my girlfriend comes round.

Why 3D Films Aren't ALWAYS a Good Thing...

Just a thought to share with you what I think the future of film will be like:


Me: "Hey, this should be awesome, Watchmen in widescreen 3D!"
Friend: "Sounds cool, shall we go tonight?"


A few hours later, at the cinema:


Me: "This looks fantastic, it looks like you can reach out and pull Rorshach's mask off! It looks that real!"
Friend: "Yeah, look at that huge Dr. Manhattan! He looks like he's standing right in front of my face!"
Me: "He's turning around..."
Both: "UUUUURRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHH!!!! ARRRRRGGGHH! ARRRRRGGHH!!!"
Me: "It brushed my face! IT BRUSHED MY FACE!!!"


Enough said...

Snow Way...

2009 is over and once again we mark the beginning of the new year with quite a lot of frost and in many parts of the UK, a scattering of snow. Up until now I've heard the usual "I hope we have a white Christmas!" and "I can't wait for it to snow!" and then finally, when the first flecks of snow drop, "Yay! It's snowing."

If only snow days like this existed across the whole of the UK...

I, on the other hand, sit and wait for the snow with a sick feeling in my stomach. This is because I -- unlike everyone else it seems -- actually remembers what has happened previous years. Some people seem to stick with the romantic childhood memories they have of 'snow days' and schools being closed and there being so much of the white stuff it was impossible to get around. They remember days when the whole country came to a standstill and accepted the surprise holiday. They were days without worry.

But those days are over. Now, each winter is wet, incredibly cold and a fucking nightmare to travel during. The snow is not deep enough to warrant a snow day (unless you skive off work, of course) and the councils are not adept enough to keep the roads clear so you're left in the ultimate limbo of thinking 'I really need to get to work' but at the same time thinking 'Why the fuck are my brakes not working?' This is the harsh reality of British winter for the majority of the country.

I live in Staffordshire, in a particular area where the council is so useless and -- dare I say -- corrupt, that we haven't even got enough grit. Apparently it's too costly. Grit, which is just dirt with salt in it is to goddamn costly. But apparently sending the council leaders to Portugal or some place for important meetings isn't. Don't get me wrong, this is not new news or anything, it's a well known fact that a portion of the city centre where I live wasn't finished because of such council 'motivational outings'. I'd love to motivate those idiots with a Molotov through the window of their all-expenses paid houses... Well, I'm not a violent person but you see my point.

Anyway, we haven't got enough grit to have a safe journey and as a result we're all suffering. The sweaty, virus-ridden bowels of public transport are clogged with the bodies of flued-up commuters, the taxis are charging through the roof and everyone is struggling just to get to work in the mornings. "There's snow everywhere and it's turning to ice! I can't beleive how bad it is!" is what everyone is now saying as though it's some tremendous Newtonian discovery.

You can't believe how bad it is?... hmmm. How about, you think back 12 months and then you'll REMEMBER how bad it is because it's exactly what has happened every year for over a decade. There's been a bit of snow -- or a fuckload of ice -- and everyone is moaning. There's not much we can do whilst the council is spending money on trips abroad and hookers and god knows what else so how about we just shut up about it and stop wishing a crappy white Christmas on everyone?! Or, have a brain span of more than a couple of weeks.

For those people who live in areas which have had so much snow they can't contemplate going to work and can enjoy the wintery goodness; good for you. Just spare a thought for those who're stuck in the slushy, icy areas and have retarded people in charge... oh, and enjoy your snow. The rest of us should just remember we're not that lucky when the next dump of slushy crap is due to land on us.

That's the stuff. Isn't it lovely? NO! Remember this!

It's not just snow I dislike at this time of year. It's 'New Year's Resolutions'... has anyone ever kept a New Year's Resolution? In fact I stand corrected, the only person I know whose ever kept a New Year's Resolution is a guy who made a resolution a few years back to never make a Resolution. He seems to be doing pretty well and I don't blame him. Every year when I go to the gym there's a new influx of fat people who I see for all of a week before disappearing back into their crisp packets. What's the point even disappointing yourself anymore? Or, how about we all just make resolutions to continue doing the things we've tried (and failed) to stop doing for the last twenty years?

I only say this because I've just seen the first of many 'how to stop smoking' or 'how to get fit' programmes that are forced in our face every year. Why broadcast them at the one time of year which is notorious for people failing to stick to what they promise? I'll never understand. In this particular show there was a fat woman who wanted to lose weight and was, to be frank, a juggernaut. She followed what the presenter said, followed his crap diet and then we managed to get a glimpse of her a few months later after she'd been 'slimming' and guess what?

She still looked like the Hindenburg... crashing. Seen the video footage? All those people running away screaming as the massive blimp falls to the ground? That's you, honey.

"Oh, you look gorgeous", "I can't believe how slim you look", "Fabulous!". How can the presenters of these shows be happy with the outcome and not feel disappointed? This big manatee woman has just made you look like a lying knob and your diet look like tripe... how can you be happy?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not slagging off fat people because fat people are mint. The majority of fat people I know are happy with their weight and if they ever want to lose a few pounds they won't make promises they can't keep or go on national TV. It's just the act of appearing on these shows and conforming to the belief that making some half-arsed promise is going to make a difference that irritates me.

Happy New Year everyone, it's time to plaster on a fake smile and run through this shit one more time...

Why Look Forward When We Can Look Back?

How bad is it that we now have to look back to the past to enjoy the present? Recently, advertisers and companies have realised just how crap the present is and are beginning a revival of their past commercialt to try and usher in new profits without having to spend any effort thinking up new ways of grabbing our attention.

But there's a problem with this, because in our nanny culture present time many past adverts may be seen as a little too 'misleading' or 'cruel' to have on our modern boxes. A good example is the recent revival of the old Milky Way commercial which involves two cartoon cars racing each other. To the untrained eye, the new version of the commercial looks exactly the same... but it's not.

You see, the old commercial featured the same race to the same track however it was a slightly longer advert. In addition to the advert being slightly longer, the lyrics were different to how they are presented on the 2009 commercial. But we aren't meant to think about that... The old advert featured a hungry car that scoffed everything in his way as he raced from 'Lunchtown' across a desert. His rival was a car with more self control who instead chose to eat only a Milky Way before they ended their race in the aptly named 'Dinnertown'. Unfortunately, the hungry car eats so much during his race that he ballons in size and when the duo are met with a broken bridge, the poor car falls as his lighter companion rushes to victory as a sign flashes: Milky Way: The Sweet You Can Eat Between Meals Without Ruining Your Appetite.

The new advert is pretty much the same concept but it makes less sense. They race for an unknown reason from a place called 'Playville' across the same desert to a place called 'Light Town' and as the blue crosses the line, the sign now flashes Milky Way: Lighten Up and Play. In addition to this, the lyrics of the song have been changed to accomodate the new advertising rules. Instead of the blue car choosing the Milky Way because it 'won't spoil his appetite' he now chooses it because 'its something that tastes just right'.  And it seems his intelligence has dropped and he's no longer 'smart old blue', he's just 'good old blue'.

The red car and blue car race in the old Milky Way commercial.

So what does this teach us? It teaches us that in the twenty years since the advert was first aired, we're now fickle enough to believe that eating a chocolate bar before a meal won't spoil your dinner and now have to be protected from this claim. It also teaches us that in the last twenty years we have become stupider... This is true, at least.

Some of the best adverts of the past ten or twenty years are now no longer allowed to be broadcast. Take the fantastic Tango commercial which involved an orange man walking around with a huge rubber glove on his hand slapping people whilst the voiceover stated 'You know when you've been Tango'd'. This admittedly was copied by a lot of school kids, but did removing this advert actually make people less violent? No. In fact, since that advert was aired, gun and knife crime is up. If the people who make the advertising rules were to look at those statistics in the usual oversensitive way they look at everything else then it would be correct to say that instead of going around slapping each other kids now go around stabbing each other. You know when you've been shanked.

The Tango advert that featured the man that slapped people for fun.

So companies have realsied that there is a certain public fondness for 'blasts from the past' and in just about every industry you can see things from past years bought into the public eye. We have remixes of old songs, remakes of old movies and even some old programmes being bought back onto our TV screens. The only problem is, these things usually have to be edited for our stupider, more politically correct audience and it means that there no longer seems to be as much investment in new things that make us smile. It may seem cruel to say that we're stupider but it really does seem to be the case. Take kids TV, for example.

When I was younger I was watching programmes like Thundercats and MASK along with the hugely popular fantasy gameshow Knightmare. These programmes dealt with good and evil, where the bad guys were genunielly bad and the good guys were representing everything good with the world. When the bad guys had the shit kicked out of them, they wouldn't learn a lesson, they would just want revenge... like real life. I also remember that kids TV would opt for the more extravagent ways of describing something rather than choosing childish, easy to understand words and statements. And as for the gameshows? I watched a repeat episode of Knightmare a while back and there were questions on there that I would've been completely unable to answer when I was in the age group of the kids on the show. These kids, with barely a moments hesitation, shouted the answers out as though it was common knowledge. We really are far stupider and for some reason in modern kids shows there are never any real losers.

So, I guess the point I'm trying to make with this long rant about our past is that whilst we should be proud of the programmes we watched as children and the adverts we remember so much, we shouldn't just edit them and return them to our screens we should try to better them and forget about the stupidity and sensitiveness of our modern audiences.

As final proof of public stupidity, the recent 'Manuelgate' scandal that resulted from prank calls made by Jonathan Ross and Russel Brand on a primetime BBC radio show received only a handful of complaints when it was aired. Nobody cared about what happened, but as soon as it was on the news and in the papers, thousands of people complained even though they'd not seen the show. Why go to the trouble? Idiots.

Let's all look to a bright future of entertainment and make our own judgement calls, take risks and create new material without having to constantly revert back to the 'good old days' for things to market.

The Worst 'C' Word of Them All

No, it's not cunt.

Nowadays, there's one word we hear all the time, every day, on TV adverts, in our work places and on the news. The word has become twisted and its morphed into a word I hate more than any other. What is the word? What is this terrible, terrible string of letters?

Compensation.

I know, it's not got the same impact as cunt but for me I would much prefer for someone to call me a cunt than to mention compensation in my presence. I will start by saying that I have, in the past, had compensation when I was involved in a motorcycle accident so this probably makes me a complete hypocrite. I will however explain the difference in that 'compensation' and c*mpensation.

At the start of 2007 I had the misfortune of being knocked off my motorcycle by a careless old man. I don't have any ill feelings towards him because it was an accident, exaggerated by the fact that he was really quite old.Plus I made it away alive. He was also very courteous after the accident and admitted his error; something which most modern business types would not dream of doing in a million years. When I was knocked off my bike I damaged my right shoulder and this still occasionally gives my jip. In addition to this, my bike was quite damaged. So, I was 'compensated' by his insurance covering the cost of repairs and 'compensated' by having a payout to cover the damaged jacket, helmet and my shoulder.

This form of compensation comes from the insurance company who will only cover the cost of things that have been damaged and injuries that have a lasting effect. My shoulder does occasionally hurt and may cause problems in later life but its nothing I can't cope with and I got about £3000 for that part of the claim. The reason I don't think I'm a hypocrite is because this cost is not based on any bullshit personal stress or anything, just the cost of the potential surgery I may have to endure in the future to correct it. So, really, I am no better off than I was before the accident. We are even. I am compensated.

What I hate is when people claim c*mpensation for things that have caused nothing but a mild inconvenience to them or when they claim for their precious time which they would've spent complaining anyway. That's the sad truth: there are people out there who actually enjoy complaining. Anotherthin that ticks me off is when people request c*mpensation for their own idiocy. It was an idea that began in America when fat people started to sue McDonald's and it's culminated in people over here suing for everything from slipping on a grape to walking into walls and falling down manholes.

Peter Griffin from Family Guy demonstrates a way of getting more compensation.

It occurred to me the other day how much these things are affecting society. Just walking down the street made me realise how we now have to have signs warning about every potential hazard that our own self preservation impulse should protect against. If someone needs a sign to tell them to duck or to step down or to not cross a street or to not walk into something then they shouldn't be alive. I hate to sound like Hitler but it's contaminating the genepool. Idiots -- during prehistoric times -- would not have survived and as a result their idiocy wouldn't have been passed onto future generations. Unfortunately we can no longer seperate the wheat from the chaff.

The three things I saw that made me realise how stupid society has become were:

1. Foam around scaffolding. With all probability this means that at some point some stupid bastard has walked into the metal strutts. Instead of walking off in shame, they must have tried to sue over their idiocy. This is only a recent thing.
   
2. A sign saying 'low ceiling'. We see these all the time. Presumably a tall person has completely ignored their eyes and walked face first into the ceiling when descending stairs. Fool.
   
3. My inability to purchase toy guns. I know this seems silly, but I trekked around town for two hours trying to find a shop that sells toy guns for a halloween costume. Fucking impossible. When I finally found somewhere that sold them, they were bright green with a big red bell end on the tip of them, as if the green wasn't enough to prove that they weren't real guns.

The last was particularly upsetting because it made me feel sorry for modern kids. When I was younger I used to play army, with realistic cap guns (some were even metal), smoke grenades and -- admittedly a bit silly --  home-made rocket launchers made of drainpipes which fired fireworks. But, if my crotch had been fireworked or if my capgun had exploded in my face I wouldn't have dreamed of suing anyone. Nowerdays kids can't play army unless they want to go out and purchase a Fisher Price Happy Bubble Gun or a Barbie Confetti Launcher. And we wonder why most kids nowerdays just do smack and beat up old people.

This is not my proudest admission, but when I was 10 years old I owned a helecopter toy that launched from a plastic helipad when you pulled a cord. I was stupid enough to want an overhead view and the plastic helecopter flew straight into my right eye. I had to endure the embarrassment of sitting in an eye clinic and having my name read out followed by my condition: "A helecopter flew in his eye."

The nurse then said with deplorable expectancy, "Oh, I hope it wasn't a real helecopter." Her wit was unbelievable and the laugh she got from the rest of the patients probably made her day. If I wasn't 10 I would've said, "It felt fucking real to me. I didn't ask for Krusty the Clown to see to me so get me a real nurse or shut the fuck up."

So, I ended up with a patch on my eye for a month (this was before Johnny Depp murdered our perception of pirates and made everyone think they were cool) so I looked like a tit. The comments, "Where's your parrot Blackbeard" still live with me to this day... but did I sue? Did I claim c*mpensation? No! I learned some valuable lessons:

• Don't get an overhead view of any helecopter taking off, even a toy one.
  
• If you're going to make a 10 year old feel better don't do it by making him feel like a tit and look like a tit.
• Pirates are not cool and despite what Deadliest Warrior says, a knight would kick a pirates scurvy-ridden effeminate arse*
• Always remember the person that called you Blackbeard and make sure you remind everyone of the time he went through a whole swimming lesson with a bollock sticking out the side of his swimming trunks.

My point is valid. I work in customer care (well, complaints) and I have to deal with the 'c' word every single day from many people who do not have any reason to make such a request. If you humour these people and give in to their demands you are effectively helping to contaminate the human race. Resolve the issue and offer a gesture for the problem, yes, but negotiating some ridiculous demand? Not a chance. I'm doing the world a favour.

As a final note, if you are one of these people who likes to complain or complains to get all you can and think there is nothing wrong with this, I ask you one thing:

When you're screaming and shouting down the phone at someone, demanding something you don't deserve for something that was in all probability your fault, what about the poor bastard listening to you? You may say it's their job to be treated like shit, but it's not. They're there to help, to fix the issue but not to fill your wallet.

And you're not going to get c*mpensation by acting like a cunt.






--DEADLIEST WARRIOR SPOILER--

* I mention the pirate vs. knight episode because I am a fan of the TV show. It is ridiculous in many ways, but its fun and seems to be suprisingly accurate. However the episode where a pirate beats a knight should be petitioned against and removed from TV.

Why I Feel Sorry For British Gangs

It's a tough world we live in isn't it? The economic crisis we're only just crawling from has caused thousands of people to lose their jobs, their homes and their hope. There are now people working any jobs they can find; taking massive pay cuts and doing things they would've never considered before just so they can pay the bills. But apparently this is nothing compared to the plight of inner-city youths. They've apparently been in this economic spiral into the unknown for years. In fact, they've had to 'earn' everything they have now and work their way up from 'the streets'. The world has shat on them and they've had to revert to crime as it's the only option they have... isn't it?

No, it isn't. And anyone who thinks that crime is the only way out of poverty is a massive tit.

But that doesn't stop me from feeling a little bit sorry for these lowlifes. Why? Because they are forever tainted and stained and branded with being in British gangs. And let's face it, no matter what weapons they carry, what respect they beat out of people or what they deal or steal, they just won't be as cool as American gangs. And that's what it's all about. Getting something for nothing and looking cool whilst you do it.

American gangs live in places called 'The Bronx' and have cool names like 'The Bloods' and have easy access to firearms which they hold tilted to the side, which is also cool. In the UK, we have gangs that live in places that are named after flowers and meadows and other nice places. They don't have easy access to guns, in fact those firearms they carry tend to be old rusty pistols that look like something they've found in a car boot sale or 'Auntie Wainwrights' from the BBC's The Last of the Summer Wine. And don't even get me started on their names.

The two main gangs in the area I used to work were called 'The Burger Bar Boys' (Boys probably had a 'z' instead of an 's') and the 'Johnson Crew'. Not exactly the scariest names on the planet... in fact 'The Johnson Crew' sounds like a group of cartoon characters you'd see promoting safe sex on a school sex ed video.

I was once threatened by a gang of people who, I shit you not, warned me that I needed to leave the area as it was 'Honeysuckle Lane' territory. They had knives so I didn't argue, but I did laugh when at a suitably safe distance. It's just not as having territory in 'The Bronx'. In fact their main rivals are probably 'The Butterscotch Crescent Boyz'.

Now at this point some people are probably thinking that I'm trying to cover the serious issue of teenage gangs with humour but this is far from the truth. Hundreds of people are killed by gangs or in gang-related altercations each year in the UK so this is not a light-hearted subject. However, I do feel this is a problem the government is handling in the wrong way. Instead of going on about how serious and 'bad' it is to be involved in gangs, they should just get people to see the truth: British gangs will never be as cool as American gangs and you aren't going to become a rapper when you're from Whitton-on-Sea so why bother? Why not just get a normal job and live your life?

When a person enters into a gang they are going down a road that forks off into two eventualities: death or prison. That's it. There's no "I worked my way up from the streets to become a famous rapper", it's just death or being someone's bitch-boy in prison. I imagine it's hard to think of rap lyrics when 'Big Bubba' is making you his man-wife. It's only America that allows former gang leaders to become rap stars and even they can't escape their former life. 50 cent for instance. He's been shot 9 times. That proves two things:

1) Gangsters are crap shots
2) Nobody has ever liked 50 cent.

We need to start laughing at gangs a bit more. If we make them realise just how fucking stupid it is to think you can make a life out being a criminal, they may just stop... and get a normal job. Sure, it doesn't help with all the American rap stars pumping out songs about their 'money' and their 'bitches' but I'm sure common sense will eventually prevail.

Here's my realistic rap song titled 'Bubba's Wife':

I grew up in the streets on Whitton-on-Sea,
No respect from my bros or my family,
So I got my shit together and moved on out,
And lived in a hostel like a dirty lout.
Stealin' and dealin's what I did best,
You know that for the wicked there ain't no rest.
But life wasn't good on Honeysuckle lane,
Those boyz from the west side (shopping centre) were a constant pain.

Chorus
Pain, pain, there ain't no gain.
Makin' my way from the streets to fame.
(Streets to fame)
Pain, pain, it's part'a my life.
But I'm happy now I'm Bubba's wife.
(Bubba's wife)

So we had an altercation, a fierce confrontation:
a terrible gun fight in front of the bus station.
The rozzers got called and someone was hit,
I started runnin but I was in the shit.
The rozzers kicked me down, put me in my place,
They stamped on my body and stamped on my face.
I was taken to the cells and they found my stash,
My anus was searched by a man with a 'tache.

Chorus
Pain, pain, there ain't no gain.
Makin' my way from the streets to fame.
(Streets to fame)
Pain, pain, it's part'a my life.
But I'm happy now I'm Bubba's wife.
(Bubba's wife)

So I ain't no rapper; at least not with fame,
I'm in a cell and I'm away from my game.
I hate it here and I really wanna leave,
My assholes as big as a wizards sleeve.
I've lost my respect; I've not a single fan,
But that was before I met my man.
Now I hide my regrets; I don't wallow in strife,
Because I'm happy now I'm Bubba's wife.
 
I expect that to be the next Christmas number 1.
 
I hope y'all enjoyed it because I consider that to be a rap which sums up the life of most gangsters in Britain. In truth, there isn't a place on this little island for idiots like that.
 
I guess the moral of the story is if you want to be a gangster, move to America or you're just not cool. Now, I leave you with a clip of one of the mighty Bill Hicks' rants about english gangsters. It is a laugh:

"Mr. Criminal, we're not 'Forcing' you, We're 'Servicing' you."

Ok, so this is my first blog and in some ways it is perhaps the most important one. Why? Well, because it sets a tone for the rest of my posts. It let's everyone know my motives and why I've chosen to write about my life and my innermost thoughts on a fairly public website.

I could say it's because I feel I'm genuinely interesting (that would be a lie) or because I want to make a difference to the world (that is futile, and also a lie) or it may be because I simply want to have a rant and make people laugh. Bingo. I'm not going to lie, people write blogs for various reasons: usually to put a point across or to make themselves feel important or to appear as philosophical as possible. Others wish to educate or influence other people. I can't be bothered with any of that, nor do I have the time or intelligence to structure my thoughts into a cohesive message that people will take on board.

I'm good at ranting though -- and rant I shall -- but the only real reason for me writing this blog is because I am not an important person, nor am I an intellectual: I just want to feel that there are other people out there who may listen to what I have to say and laugh. It's a bonus if you agree, but all I'm really after is a momentary smile on someone's face before they get back to the tedium of everyday life. I'm not out to change the world, I'm just out to make the best of a bad situation.

So, about me, Kekea. Obviously that's not my real name, nor am I going to go to the trouble of explaining how I came to pick that particular name... at least not yet.

I spent a short period of my life in the West Midlands police before leaving, of my own accord, and getting a job as a complaints specialist at a well-known mobile communications company. I am not a police constable anymore, nor do I wish to be, and I have the utmost respect for those doing that job. I take my beanie hat off to those in that position, you are far stronger than me. The question many people ask is "Why did you leave?"

A valid question.

I will explain. I worked in a pretty nasty area in Birmingham, 40 miles away from my friends and family. This made a hard job even more difficult. Afterall, you need support if you're working with such... erm... interesting people each day. Without that support, your mind wanders: you watch pigeons mate instead of watching the drug house across the street, you count the number of clouds you see that look like animals and you use the laser speed trap to see how fast a squirrel can run up a tree (I'm told it's 6mph). Basically, your attention is not where it should be. Not good for someone who is meant to be out there protecting the law-abiding public from nasty people. So, I took my leave of the police and didn't really look back.

But, during my time in the force I realised how much times have changed. I'm only 25, (I was only 20 when I was in) but in the few years prior to me joining the force there was a huge change in police values and the police image. Millions were invested in changing the way constables are trained and the way the public percieved their local bobbies and do you know why? A TV programme...

That's right... a TV programme.

I believe it was 'Panorama' (correct me if I'm wrong) who dedicated an episode to an investigation of racism in the police force. During this show, viewers were apalled to see officers talking about gunning down asians as they leave a mosque and joking around under a pillow case that had been made to look like a Ku Klux Klan hood. It was, obviously, quite upsetting and the actions of the people in the film were sickening, but at the same time it was blown vastly out of proportion.

Not every police officer is, or was, a racist. The force as a whole was not racist and in my opinion that programme did far more harm than good. Shortly after it was aired, it was decided that the police had to be more approachable, more friendly, more diverse and more... well, average. Which is why I got in.

In order to make a less 'elite' force it meant restructuring the training to make sure it didn't discriminate against anyone. Now anyone could join, it didn't matter how small you were, what colour you were, what tattoos you had or how far you could run. Now all that mattered was that you knew that it is NOT right to call a blackboard a blackboard. It is a chalkboard. And Baa-Baa Black Sheep? You sing that nursery rhyme in here sonny and it's paramount to parading around with a pillow case on your head and a burning cross in your hand.

We spent a good couple of weeks learning how all these things were in fact racist. People are not black, they are 'coloured', they are not Chinese, they are 'oriental', they are not Pakistani, they are 'asian'. It was also hinted that the common 'IC' system of identifying the colour of a suspect was to go out of the window. What they would replace it with is a mystery:

"1248 to control. We've just interviewed the victim of the robbery and we're looking for a... male. With a hoody... and eyes. That is all."

"What is the colour of the suspect, 1248?"

"I'm not racist, control. To quote Michael Jackson, 'It don't matter if you're black or white'..."

It doesn't quite work does it? I am sure they will bring in a more inconspicuous way of identifying the race and colour of a suspect but why they need to change things that aren't broken in the first place vexes me. Granted, we can't go back to the 70's where they probably wouldn't have frowned at a suspect 'colour chart' that goes from 'N*gger' down to 'P*ki', through to 'Good ol' Englishman' but getting rid of a system of identification and changing the way constables address a particular race is a little extreme. I remember talking to a coloured friend who took exception to being called 'coloured'. He said, quite rightly:

"Coloured? That makes me sound like a paint-by-numbers. I'm black!"

And this brings me to the whole point of this rant. Among the many different aspects of the police force that were changed was the name itself. The police force was no longer a 'Force', it was to be a 'Service'. Apparently changing that one word would completely change the way the public perceived the police.

It didn't.

But, a combination of the political correctness, the changing of the name and the way they recruited did change the way the public perceives the police and in my opinion it changed it for the worse. In the 70's they may have been a bunch of cynical, rowdy racists but they got the job done and, more importantly, they were respected. I have real respect for the police and the job they do but many people don't. PCSO's are seen as a joke and if a police officer is struggling with a criminal, your average Joe is more likely to be rooting for the scumbag to get away than assist the copper.

You don't believe me? Ask around. Most people don't like the police. The amount of times someone sniggered 'ACAB' (all coppers are bastards) under their breath when I was working as a constable was unbelievable. Not only that, but constables now have to contend with constantly being branded a racist.

"Yo man, you're only arresting me because I'm black."

 "No, I'm arresting you because you're a twat. Colour doesn't come into it."


So, I left because it was a hard job. A hard job that nobody really appreciates. If you're spending time fighting to keep someone alive after a stabbing you'll only get complaints from Mrs. Miggins because you didn't come to see her when a yob smashed her plant pot. If you give someone CPR, you'll only get sued because you broke their rib. If you're left alone for three seconds with a minor you'll get suspended when their parents claim you touched their child. This is the country I live in. A country where all that matters is number one and where nobody dares offend anyone.

And god forbid you even dare to call a blackboard a blackboard.

This blog is dedicated to all those hard working police people who are 'serving' us out there. You do a hard job but you can rest assured you have at least one fan here.