Why I Hate Trains

Recently, the British government have announced that the plans for the HS2 high-speed train have been given the ‘go ahead’. Granted, the damn thing won’t be completed until 2036 and there is still a lot of building work to be done, but in the end will it be worth it? Cost is obviously something that should be carefully considered. After all, the train line will cost around £32 billion by the time is has been finished and its toll on wildlife in Britain may have an equally high cost, but is there any other cost in building and using such a train?

Of course there is. The cost to your soul.

Below I list my reasons why using a train is a soul-destroying affair and why we would be better off spending that money researching and providing the nation with jetpacks.

Trains are Slow

OK, negativity in a blog such as this is to be expected but surely I am straight out lying about this. After all, the HS2 line is meant to be super fast. There’s no way you can beat those claims and it’s surely easy to justify the spending when you’ve got a line that can take you from London to Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool, Glasgow, Edinburgh or Leeds in a short timescale…

… Except, you can. With planes.

They are like cleaner trains but they fly

OK, so let’s pretend planes aren’t an option for whatever reason. Perhaps you have a fear of flying, or you believe the urban myth about your frozen poop landing in peoples back gardens. Let’s assume that the train is the only other option bar car. Well, here’s something that people don’t seem to think about with any trains, whether it be high speed or low speed. They are run by people for people… and people are stupid. It takes only one stupid person to make a train late, and the country is full of them. Even if the line works as expected, it is only going to shave around 30 minutes off most journeys and some of the stations they stop at are not all that near to the centre of most cities. If you add on the time it takes to get to these stations in order to get on your super-fast train, it actually isn't very fast at all.

Trains Can’t Cope with Weather

One of the best things about traveling by train is that you’re nice and warm and you can sit back and relax. Yeah, even I can’t argue entirely with that point. At least you are inside and sheltered from the elements. The issue is that the train you are taking refuge in will probably already have been late, assuming its running at all. Not only that, but in bad weather, you can’t really be sure it its going to go all the way to your final destination. When it snowed recently, numerous train services stopped, or stopped short of where they were meant to.

Trains are fucking useless in anything other than blazing sunshine or light rain.

Trains Have People on Board

Trains are a form of public transport and the ‘public’ can make your day go sour really quickly. If you get on a train -- and assuming you get a seat (more of that later) -- you will unquestionably be closer to the complete stranger sitting next to you than you want to be. Or, you will be sitting opposite one of those weird ‘starer’ guys who seem to fixate on you until a moment or two after you make eye contact. People don’t even have to be sitting near you to make the journey miserable. Many trains serve alcoholic drinks and allow alcohol on board… and alcohol turns people into loud, bellowing spastics. Perhaps your train is one transporting an army of meathead football fans to their local game. Or better still, maybe you are getting off at the town their team just lost to. Children, businessmen and potential rapists all make getting the train a miserable affair.

It’s worse if you have to move for any reason. You will experience the people who refuse to shift their bags from the aisle or who will push you if they’re in a rush to move up the train or push past you even if there is nowhere for them to go (only to have them turn around and push past you again). There are even people who will over-react massively to any inconvenience. It’s like they’ve never had soul-crushing journeys on a train before and are disappointed to realise it is neither relaxing nor fun. Idiots.

People also over-react to the automatic carriage doors closing on them. As the two flimsy bits of plastic loosely squeeze them, they will wheeze, choke or scream as though in pain. It’s like they expect some pretty lady to stick her hand in a hole full of centipedes to pull a secret lever and free them (and possibly an annoying Chinese kid) from their doom.

 Exactly like this.

Trains are Unpredictable

So, we know trains run late quite often. It’s always in the news and anyone who has had the misfortune to travel by train has probably experienced it being late. But the worse thing about trains is that they are not always late… sometimes they are early.

I have experienced two or three occasions where trains arrived a couple of minutes early and departed a couple of minutes early. I’ve even pointed this out to an instructor before who just shrugged and told me that the doors were closed and that was that. This was not even the time according to my watch, but the time according to the station and just about everyone I spoke to. I also remember an occasion where, with two full suitcases and a backpack, I had to board a train and then walk the entire length of it to get to my seat just because they wanted the doors to be closed so the train could depart… even though it was not due to depart for over a minute.

Cost

Let’s say you want to take an unplanned trip to London. You don’t fancy driving, so you go to your local train station for a leisurely ride. How much will this cost? Well at the moment, from somewhere central like Birmingham, about £60 off peak. This is a bit costly if you ask me, but it’s worse if you’re in Scotland. A trip from Edinburgh to London will set you back around £125-£200 whereas a flight for the same distance is about £100 (and there are cheaper deals)… plus it’s faster.

This is not going to be any different for the HS2. They call it a ‘commuter train’ to link London and the north but seriously, who is going to shell out £60-£100 per day for travel? Even a travel card is still guaranteed to be insanely expensive. With the cost of the train line to our government, there is no way they will drop ticket prices.

Seats? Don’t be Stupid

Perhaps things might change with HS2, but at the moment we will imagine that you’ve just spent £60 on a ticket to travel to the capital for a day. At least with that money you can be sure that you can travel in comfort and speed.

Then you remember that this is the UK and as I point out with this blog, trains are shit. Perhaps I’ve just had bad luck with trains, or perhaps because my home town is situated half way along a busy route I should expect them to be busy. Regardless, I swear that 80% of the trains I’ve ever used have been packed beyond capacity. As a result, that £60 I’ve just spent has not even paid for a seat, it has simply ensured that I’m going to be standing in a packed cabin within smelling distance of whoever is squashed in next to me. I don’t even get to sit down. Even stone-age man could sit down when he wanted to and he didn’t have to pay £60 for the privilege.

“But what if you’ve reserved a seat?” I hear you say. Well, don’t expect that seat without a battle. If the train is packed, you will have to fight your way through the impossibly tight aisle to your seat only to find that, lo and behold, either a mentally handicapped person, sleeping child or pensioner is in your place. Now you have to put up with the looks of disgust as you remove this less-able person from your place of comfort or put up with standing for two hours.

And if an able-bodied person is in your seat? I guarantee that it will be the biggest guy you’ve ever seen or the most beautiful lady you have ever laid eyes on… because trains.

"You should be thankful that your seat is the ONLY thing I'm in"

Trains Smell Like Defecation

So, you haven’t been able to secure a seat. No matter, you will just fight your way back through the train to stand near an exit. At least that way you can be the first to get off the god awful piece of engineering before the rest of the crowd. So, you find your way to a tiny space in which to stand only to smell something unusual.

The toilets, of course.

That’s right, every minute or two, someone will choose to use the toilets either to relieve themselves or to simply have enough space to calm them out of the panic attack they’re about to have. This means that every couple of minutes you get a waft of odour. You get to literally taste what that person has just produced in that tiny cubicle. There is no better way to get to know your fellow commuters than smelling their shit.

Perhaps the only good thing about trains is the fact that they make me realise how hard life is for someone who is disabled. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for them to get aboard a train and relax. Although I guess at least they are guaranteed a seat.

I remember a time when I used to love trains: A time when Thomas the Tank Engine would gleefully transport people and cargo around an imaginary island at a leisurely pace. If Thomas the Tank Engine were a modern train, he would be fat, slow, probably drunk and almost certainly suicidal … and he would definitely smell like shit.

I have a feeling someone has just shat inside me.

The HS2 will not be of any benefit to me and I really don’t care about it one way or another. But surely, there are better things to be spending £36 billion pounds on. That could buy a lot of extra seats for a train.

… or jetpacks. I’m just saying.

Naming the Masses...

I talked briefly in my last post about one of my gripes - people giving themselves nicknames. It got me thinking about the names that me and my friends (one of which has his own nickname: Jabba) had thought up for people.

The reason for this list is because it gives you an insight into what nicknames should be about and why sometimes it's just best to introduce yourself by your true name, lest we make up a name for you.

My apologies go out to anyone who suspects themselves to be on this list. I'm fairly sure I've not included anyone who will read this, but if so... well, I'm sorry, you should've introduced yourselves sooner:

1) Fat Man Sadsack
2) Klingon Dan
3) Shitface
4) Jellybaby Ange
5) Gummy Joe
6) Ugly Bob
7) Queer Dean
8) Rat-faced Ange
9) Horseface
10) Slabcraker/Rhinoceros face
11) Germ
12) Harry Potter Chris
13) Blind Andy
14) Doughnut Face
15) Behemoth
16) Metallica Mouse (this has got to be my favourite)
17) Kebab
18) Flammable Girl
19) Cross-eyed girl
20) Mightybeard
21) Lumberjack
22) Monk Guy
23) Linkin Park Kid
24) Bacheweychomp Boy
25) Pedo Jim
26) Shiny girl
27) Glasses girl
28) Cat girl
29) Jesus Mark
30) Big Fat Big Gay Rob (he wasn't even gay!)
31) Marcus Dweebus
32) Asteroid
33) Pink (someone who looked like Pink, the singer)
34) That Slut. (I guess our imagination ran out at this point)
35) Darrenindrag
36) Pube
37) Jim From American Pie
38) The 3rd Place
39) Voldo
40) Bam-Bam
41) Asteroth
42) Sausage Roll
43) Straight Face
44) Onion Tramp
45) Spitter
46) Leslak
47) Druggy/Douggie
48) Wolfturd
49) Pigby/Yank
50) Beetroot ghost
51) Anthony Stokes (this was my nickname for a short period)
52) Jimmy (his real name was Andrew... makes sense)
53) Grange Hill (pure genius, if you ever met this girl)
54) Cat pee Lady
55) Capital D (he was 'D' shaped)
56) Spherical Man/Fatback
57) Salad Fingers/Benny
58) Herman the German
59) Boxer Girl (she looked like a boxer)

Ok, so these are all the ones I can think of at the moment, but you can see the general trend here. Bar the occasional observational statement, most of these nicknames are not what people would like to introduce themselves as and, for that very reason, they are true nicknames.

Suddenly, your real name doesn't seem that bad does it?

Making Light of a Bad Situation...

It's a human trait and something which inspired the naming of this blog. Over this month, we've seen a crisis in Libya, with pro-Gaddafi and rebel forces clashing and a huge tsunami has swept a stretch of Japanese coastline off the maps. Immediately following this, nuclear disaster loomed at one of the Japanese power plants. For many people around the globe its a time to reflect on the fragile nature of life.

So far, this years tsunami has already claimed thousands of lives.

For some of us that means mourning but for others, it means it's time to find the 'sickest' joke we can and share it between our friends.

Black humour has long been a passion of the English: more so in recent times with comedians like Frankie Boyle and Jimmy Carr providing some of the most disturbingly wonderful jokes around within a short period of a particularly 'bad' thing being bought to light. But is this a bad thing? There are obviously a lot of complaints about black humour, especially when the jokes are heard by people who are affected by the disaster but there is obviously a culture surrounding the telling of these jokes because they become so popular so quickly.

So, does this make us all a nation of sickos?

No.

People deal with horrible things in various ways. Some people break down and cry, some become reclusive, some people remember and others laugh. It's human nature that we all deal with problems in different ways. Not every person is going to show compassion about a bad event as not everyone is comfortable showing their emotions to other people. If anything, ignoring something, not making comment, not bringing it up, is worse than making fun of it. At least making fun of an event shows that it is on their minds; that people are thinking about it and how it is impacting those unfortunate enough to be affected by it. Humour is also a way of distancing yourself from something and making it seem like it's not quite as real.

When I was in the police I heard various stories of the bereavement officers (the guys who had to tell a member of the public that their loved ones have died) walking up to the front door of a family of the deceased and burst out with laughter just before they knocked on to give the bad news. Bad things do unusual things to people.

Using the police as another example, I recall a time when I entered a house where a man had committed suicide; hanging himself from the rafters in the loft. His family was downstairs and rightly distraught at the news of their sons demise and me and my trainer at that time walked up to see the body. It obviously had the potential to be a fairly upsetting moment and seeing this, my trainer said something unusual, and hilarious.

When we entered the loft, SOCO (scenes of crime officers) were already up there taking photos and getting evidence from where the body had been cut down. We just stood, looking at the body and then did a quick circuit of the room in silence. My trainer then said.

"You know why he killed himself don't you?"

"No," I replied.

He sighed before saying, "Just look at the wallpaper."

The wallpaper in the loft was a horrendous 1970's design which was peeling off parts of the walls. I had to try to stop myself from laughing, lest the family in the room below hear me. Was I laughing out of disrespect? No. Was I laughing at the body? No. I was laughing because it made the situation less awkward, less real. It's the way people deal with these things.

Obviously, following the tsunami in Japan, people are already coming up with jokes and websites such as Sickipedia are bursting with classics such as: "I don't know why we're giving so much aid to Japan. I've just seen a news report and there was a man with two boats in his front lawn. He must be wealthy." That joke was something I received from a close friend in the same day as the tsunami. That's how quick humour travels.

I hate feeling like I have to openly show remorse for an event. I hear it all the time in supermarkets when an elderly couple discuss such things with a tone of complete indifference.

"Oh, isn't is terrible what's happened in Japan, isn't it?"

"Yeah, all those poor people"

"Yeah... terrible... Grab the Corn Flakes, it's buy one get one free. Have you heard Noreen is getting a new hip?"

 Corn Flakes solve all of life's problems...

Is that really a better way to remember a bad event? To mention it with fake remorse and then pretend it never happened? I actually loathe when people do this, almost as much as I loathe people who claim that something 'offends' them when really they couldn't give two shits.

Someone once said to me a particular album I owned had an 'offensive' cover. It wasn't anything bad, like a child being molested by the Jolly Green Giant, it was just a series of painted figures that morphed into each other and looked like something from John Carpenter's The Thing. It wasn't exactly beautiful, but it wasn't 'offensive'. Indeed, if this was the most offensive thing that person had ever seen then he must have led a very sheltered existence.

Obviously what happened in Japan is bad, obviously the deaths in Libya are terrible. Do we need to force ourselves to feel remorse just because we are expected to? I say no. I say we remember the events in our own way, even if it's with laughter.