Why I Hate Trains

Recently, the British government have announced that the plans for the HS2 high-speed train have been given the ‘go ahead’. Granted, the damn thing won’t be completed until 2036 and there is still a lot of building work to be done, but in the end will it be worth it? Cost is obviously something that should be carefully considered. After all, the train line will cost around £32 billion by the time is has been finished and its toll on wildlife in Britain may have an equally high cost, but is there any other cost in building and using such a train?

Of course there is. The cost to your soul.

Below I list my reasons why using a train is a soul-destroying affair and why we would be better off spending that money researching and providing the nation with jetpacks.

Trains are Slow

OK, negativity in a blog such as this is to be expected but surely I am straight out lying about this. After all, the HS2 line is meant to be super fast. There’s no way you can beat those claims and it’s surely easy to justify the spending when you’ve got a line that can take you from London to Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool, Glasgow, Edinburgh or Leeds in a short timescale…

… Except, you can. With planes.

They are like cleaner trains but they fly

OK, so let’s pretend planes aren’t an option for whatever reason. Perhaps you have a fear of flying, or you believe the urban myth about your frozen poop landing in peoples back gardens. Let’s assume that the train is the only other option bar car. Well, here’s something that people don’t seem to think about with any trains, whether it be high speed or low speed. They are run by people for people… and people are stupid. It takes only one stupid person to make a train late, and the country is full of them. Even if the line works as expected, it is only going to shave around 30 minutes off most journeys and some of the stations they stop at are not all that near to the centre of most cities. If you add on the time it takes to get to these stations in order to get on your super-fast train, it actually isn't very fast at all.

Trains Can’t Cope with Weather

One of the best things about traveling by train is that you’re nice and warm and you can sit back and relax. Yeah, even I can’t argue entirely with that point. At least you are inside and sheltered from the elements. The issue is that the train you are taking refuge in will probably already have been late, assuming its running at all. Not only that, but in bad weather, you can’t really be sure it its going to go all the way to your final destination. When it snowed recently, numerous train services stopped, or stopped short of where they were meant to.

Trains are fucking useless in anything other than blazing sunshine or light rain.

Trains Have People on Board

Trains are a form of public transport and the ‘public’ can make your day go sour really quickly. If you get on a train -- and assuming you get a seat (more of that later) -- you will unquestionably be closer to the complete stranger sitting next to you than you want to be. Or, you will be sitting opposite one of those weird ‘starer’ guys who seem to fixate on you until a moment or two after you make eye contact. People don’t even have to be sitting near you to make the journey miserable. Many trains serve alcoholic drinks and allow alcohol on board… and alcohol turns people into loud, bellowing spastics. Perhaps your train is one transporting an army of meathead football fans to their local game. Or better still, maybe you are getting off at the town their team just lost to. Children, businessmen and potential rapists all make getting the train a miserable affair.

It’s worse if you have to move for any reason. You will experience the people who refuse to shift their bags from the aisle or who will push you if they’re in a rush to move up the train or push past you even if there is nowhere for them to go (only to have them turn around and push past you again). There are even people who will over-react massively to any inconvenience. It’s like they’ve never had soul-crushing journeys on a train before and are disappointed to realise it is neither relaxing nor fun. Idiots.

People also over-react to the automatic carriage doors closing on them. As the two flimsy bits of plastic loosely squeeze them, they will wheeze, choke or scream as though in pain. It’s like they expect some pretty lady to stick her hand in a hole full of centipedes to pull a secret lever and free them (and possibly an annoying Chinese kid) from their doom.

 Exactly like this.

Trains are Unpredictable

So, we know trains run late quite often. It’s always in the news and anyone who has had the misfortune to travel by train has probably experienced it being late. But the worse thing about trains is that they are not always late… sometimes they are early.

I have experienced two or three occasions where trains arrived a couple of minutes early and departed a couple of minutes early. I’ve even pointed this out to an instructor before who just shrugged and told me that the doors were closed and that was that. This was not even the time according to my watch, but the time according to the station and just about everyone I spoke to. I also remember an occasion where, with two full suitcases and a backpack, I had to board a train and then walk the entire length of it to get to my seat just because they wanted the doors to be closed so the train could depart… even though it was not due to depart for over a minute.

Cost

Let’s say you want to take an unplanned trip to London. You don’t fancy driving, so you go to your local train station for a leisurely ride. How much will this cost? Well at the moment, from somewhere central like Birmingham, about £60 off peak. This is a bit costly if you ask me, but it’s worse if you’re in Scotland. A trip from Edinburgh to London will set you back around £125-£200 whereas a flight for the same distance is about £100 (and there are cheaper deals)… plus it’s faster.

This is not going to be any different for the HS2. They call it a ‘commuter train’ to link London and the north but seriously, who is going to shell out £60-£100 per day for travel? Even a travel card is still guaranteed to be insanely expensive. With the cost of the train line to our government, there is no way they will drop ticket prices.

Seats? Don’t be Stupid

Perhaps things might change with HS2, but at the moment we will imagine that you’ve just spent £60 on a ticket to travel to the capital for a day. At least with that money you can be sure that you can travel in comfort and speed.

Then you remember that this is the UK and as I point out with this blog, trains are shit. Perhaps I’ve just had bad luck with trains, or perhaps because my home town is situated half way along a busy route I should expect them to be busy. Regardless, I swear that 80% of the trains I’ve ever used have been packed beyond capacity. As a result, that £60 I’ve just spent has not even paid for a seat, it has simply ensured that I’m going to be standing in a packed cabin within smelling distance of whoever is squashed in next to me. I don’t even get to sit down. Even stone-age man could sit down when he wanted to and he didn’t have to pay £60 for the privilege.

“But what if you’ve reserved a seat?” I hear you say. Well, don’t expect that seat without a battle. If the train is packed, you will have to fight your way through the impossibly tight aisle to your seat only to find that, lo and behold, either a mentally handicapped person, sleeping child or pensioner is in your place. Now you have to put up with the looks of disgust as you remove this less-able person from your place of comfort or put up with standing for two hours.

And if an able-bodied person is in your seat? I guarantee that it will be the biggest guy you’ve ever seen or the most beautiful lady you have ever laid eyes on… because trains.

"You should be thankful that your seat is the ONLY thing I'm in"

Trains Smell Like Defecation

So, you haven’t been able to secure a seat. No matter, you will just fight your way back through the train to stand near an exit. At least that way you can be the first to get off the god awful piece of engineering before the rest of the crowd. So, you find your way to a tiny space in which to stand only to smell something unusual.

The toilets, of course.

That’s right, every minute or two, someone will choose to use the toilets either to relieve themselves or to simply have enough space to calm them out of the panic attack they’re about to have. This means that every couple of minutes you get a waft of odour. You get to literally taste what that person has just produced in that tiny cubicle. There is no better way to get to know your fellow commuters than smelling their shit.

Perhaps the only good thing about trains is the fact that they make me realise how hard life is for someone who is disabled. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for them to get aboard a train and relax. Although I guess at least they are guaranteed a seat.

I remember a time when I used to love trains: A time when Thomas the Tank Engine would gleefully transport people and cargo around an imaginary island at a leisurely pace. If Thomas the Tank Engine were a modern train, he would be fat, slow, probably drunk and almost certainly suicidal … and he would definitely smell like shit.

I have a feeling someone has just shat inside me.

The HS2 will not be of any benefit to me and I really don’t care about it one way or another. But surely, there are better things to be spending £36 billion pounds on. That could buy a lot of extra seats for a train.

… or jetpacks. I’m just saying.

Hate is a passionate thing...

A few months back I was called in for jury service and it was an experience I really enjoyed. It was interesting to see the 'other' side of the legal process. After being in the police and having seen the process of actually putting a case together and collecting evidence, it was unusual to be one of the people who actually has to decide whether someone is guilty or not.

And it was very very difficult.

I only feel I can talk in more detail about this now because I looked on the local newspapers website the other day to see that this person had in fact been sent down for the crime he apparently committed. I am shamed yet relieved to say that it was not on the back of my verdict as our group could not reach an agreement on the verdict when we were handed the case and as a result, the witnesses, victim and defendant all had to go through the whole lot again with a different jury. But the thing that really drew my attention to this particular case was the comments that the final verdict drew from members of the public.

Basically, the case we had been assigned to was a rape. I know what you're thinking; the same thing I thought when the judge said those words and we were introduced to the defendant: Guilty. Scum. Send him down. It's almost a scarily natural reaction when you are told that someone is being accused of rape because it is seen as such a heinous crime. Obviously, my more balanced views came past that initial angry assumption and I was able to look at the case with less bias. Thankfully this bias was also removed from the minds of the group I was with.

This particular crime happened back in 1995 when a group of young girls very foolishly decided to flag down a lift from a group of males who ranged from 17 years old (a couple of years older than the girls) to a man of his early 20's. Anyone who was made aware of this immediately said "Stupid girls, didn't they know how dangerous that was?" but as foolish as it was, we have to remind ourselves that 1995 was a very different time to 2010. It was a time before obsession with health and safety and a time before pedophiles lurked behind every corner. Parents were less protective and children were more free. So these girls were foolish, but only as foolish as anyone else growing up in the 90's. So they got into the car with these strangers and hitched a lift to a nearby town.

The stories of the girls (now in their early 30's) were expectedly broken and inaccurate; after all it must be hard for a person to remember a particular night from 15 years ago, even if it was a terrifying ordeal. It was this uncertainty yet general agreement on the events of the night that made the girls so believable. But they all told a similar story: during the hitched ride, the youngest male was talking to one of their friends (the victim) and they were both talking in a way which may be construed as 'flirting'. The male was leading the conversation but the soon-to-be victim was also reciprocating to an extent.

During the course of the the ride, the girls became worried as the males were driving them a very long way to their destination and when the car was pulled into a very dark car park they knew it was not going to end well. Two of the girls got out of the car and the third (apparently) attempted to step out before being pulled back into the car by the youngest male. The two other males led the girls to the other side of the car park whilst the youngest male raped their friend.

Then, in an act which some would argue bordered on stupidity but I would argue was an act of confusion, disbelief and terror, the girls got back into the car with the males and were driven to their destination with their very tearful friend and finally were dropped off by the males who then drove off. Shortly after, the incident was reported to the police who took DNA samples but never found the 'rapist'.

It was only this year that the male was caught and I suspect that was a surprise for him as it was on the back of a minor unrelated traffic offence which resulted in him giving his DNA and a match being established to this old, unsolved crime. He was arrested and questioned. His account was flawless, which obviously made me doubt it because he initially refused to answer questions and said 'no comment' to the police. It was only after speaking to his solicitor that his story became the perfect recollection that he described in court.

My personal opinion (and it is only my personal opinion) was that he was lying about some things and that he did rape the girl on that dark night in 1995. BUT, one thing to remember is that rape is NOT as straightforward a crime as people think. A girl may imply consent to a sexual act only to then to resist or refuse whilst the act is in process. Some males may struggle to know when this is genuine refusal or just playful games. An intelligent man would never get into a situation where there is any doubt, but many men are stupid and would not think that far ahead.

What I think happened that night was rape by legal definition alone and whilst I believe the defendant was guilty; I do not think it was as clear cut as people would expect and that is why half of our jury said he was guilty and the other half said not guilty. This conflict of ideas meant that we could not come to a majority decision. One of my group rightly said: "If only there was a choice which was 'a bit guilty' then I would go with that!"

The defendant, at the time of the offence, was a hot-blooded young male who may have believed that he was partaking in a kinky one-night-stand and in his mind, the victim had simply played shy and coy and when she had said stop, he had continued. It makes him an idiot and by definition a rapist, but not an evil man. It was not a tremendous struggle, she was not injured and by all accounts the victim was no angel either.

I think he needed to have a custodial sentence which is why I voted 'guilty' but I don't believe he is an evil man. A stupid decision which has caused hurt needs punishment, but that doesn't make him evil.

Obviously, this male is now facing a substantial prison sentence for the rape. The second jury obviously found him guilty. And so, with this case now hitting the press, the dregs of the general public are now allowed to have their say based on the very little information in the news report: Rapist Caught on DNA After 15 Years.

Que comments like: "Should be shot", "Throw away the key", "Evil". A balanced-minded individual dared to say: "This is not as straightforward as it looks, I agree with the sentence but think that people are overreacting" and was subject to abusive comments as a result. Mob rule: you don't disagree when someone is found guilty by 12 people.

I find this to be such a strange thing; how people can be so narrow- minded, stupid and hate-filled when it comes to something that has no affect on them and when they have so little information. People don't seem to understand that things were so close to being very different. Our group were close to finding the defendant 'not guilty' on more than one occasion. He was a hairs breadth away from freedom because it was such a complicated and difficult case based on evidence from 15 years ago.

If the headline had been: 'Man Walks Free After Being Found Not Guilty of 1995 Rape' there would've either been no comments, or comments of support and words of appraisal at how the judicial system had let an innocent man walk free. That was very almost a reality.

You may wonder why I am making these points when I think the man was guilty of the crime... The reason is that I think he deserved the sentence but I don't think he deserves the hate. People are stupid and it scares me that the decision of what could be only 7 people has initiated such incredibly hateful comments not only towards the defendant but towards anyone daring to defend or even empathise with him. He goes to prison after 15 years -- for an uncertain offence -- leaving a wife and child to deal with such incredible hatred.

I do feel somewhat sorry for him and for the life he now has to lead. But most of all I feel pity for the people who so blindly feel hatred for someone just because a paper and 12 people say he's guilty of a crime. I might've said nothing had it not been the hate they directed towards one person who dared to empathise. One person's balanced logic and empathy should never be punished with comments of such venom.

We all have our rants and our views but we should never, ever, feel hate towards people who oppose our views.