Why I Hate Trains

Recently, the British government have announced that the plans for the HS2 high-speed train have been given the ‘go ahead’. Granted, the damn thing won’t be completed until 2036 and there is still a lot of building work to be done, but in the end will it be worth it? Cost is obviously something that should be carefully considered. After all, the train line will cost around £32 billion by the time is has been finished and its toll on wildlife in Britain may have an equally high cost, but is there any other cost in building and using such a train?

Of course there is. The cost to your soul.

Below I list my reasons why using a train is a soul-destroying affair and why we would be better off spending that money researching and providing the nation with jetpacks.

Trains are Slow

OK, negativity in a blog such as this is to be expected but surely I am straight out lying about this. After all, the HS2 line is meant to be super fast. There’s no way you can beat those claims and it’s surely easy to justify the spending when you’ve got a line that can take you from London to Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool, Glasgow, Edinburgh or Leeds in a short timescale…

… Except, you can. With planes.

They are like cleaner trains but they fly

OK, so let’s pretend planes aren’t an option for whatever reason. Perhaps you have a fear of flying, or you believe the urban myth about your frozen poop landing in peoples back gardens. Let’s assume that the train is the only other option bar car. Well, here’s something that people don’t seem to think about with any trains, whether it be high speed or low speed. They are run by people for people… and people are stupid. It takes only one stupid person to make a train late, and the country is full of them. Even if the line works as expected, it is only going to shave around 30 minutes off most journeys and some of the stations they stop at are not all that near to the centre of most cities. If you add on the time it takes to get to these stations in order to get on your super-fast train, it actually isn't very fast at all.

Trains Can’t Cope with Weather

One of the best things about traveling by train is that you’re nice and warm and you can sit back and relax. Yeah, even I can’t argue entirely with that point. At least you are inside and sheltered from the elements. The issue is that the train you are taking refuge in will probably already have been late, assuming its running at all. Not only that, but in bad weather, you can’t really be sure it its going to go all the way to your final destination. When it snowed recently, numerous train services stopped, or stopped short of where they were meant to.

Trains are fucking useless in anything other than blazing sunshine or light rain.

Trains Have People on Board

Trains are a form of public transport and the ‘public’ can make your day go sour really quickly. If you get on a train -- and assuming you get a seat (more of that later) -- you will unquestionably be closer to the complete stranger sitting next to you than you want to be. Or, you will be sitting opposite one of those weird ‘starer’ guys who seem to fixate on you until a moment or two after you make eye contact. People don’t even have to be sitting near you to make the journey miserable. Many trains serve alcoholic drinks and allow alcohol on board… and alcohol turns people into loud, bellowing spastics. Perhaps your train is one transporting an army of meathead football fans to their local game. Or better still, maybe you are getting off at the town their team just lost to. Children, businessmen and potential rapists all make getting the train a miserable affair.

It’s worse if you have to move for any reason. You will experience the people who refuse to shift their bags from the aisle or who will push you if they’re in a rush to move up the train or push past you even if there is nowhere for them to go (only to have them turn around and push past you again). There are even people who will over-react massively to any inconvenience. It’s like they’ve never had soul-crushing journeys on a train before and are disappointed to realise it is neither relaxing nor fun. Idiots.

People also over-react to the automatic carriage doors closing on them. As the two flimsy bits of plastic loosely squeeze them, they will wheeze, choke or scream as though in pain. It’s like they expect some pretty lady to stick her hand in a hole full of centipedes to pull a secret lever and free them (and possibly an annoying Chinese kid) from their doom.

 Exactly like this.

Trains are Unpredictable

So, we know trains run late quite often. It’s always in the news and anyone who has had the misfortune to travel by train has probably experienced it being late. But the worse thing about trains is that they are not always late… sometimes they are early.

I have experienced two or three occasions where trains arrived a couple of minutes early and departed a couple of minutes early. I’ve even pointed this out to an instructor before who just shrugged and told me that the doors were closed and that was that. This was not even the time according to my watch, but the time according to the station and just about everyone I spoke to. I also remember an occasion where, with two full suitcases and a backpack, I had to board a train and then walk the entire length of it to get to my seat just because they wanted the doors to be closed so the train could depart… even though it was not due to depart for over a minute.

Cost

Let’s say you want to take an unplanned trip to London. You don’t fancy driving, so you go to your local train station for a leisurely ride. How much will this cost? Well at the moment, from somewhere central like Birmingham, about £60 off peak. This is a bit costly if you ask me, but it’s worse if you’re in Scotland. A trip from Edinburgh to London will set you back around £125-£200 whereas a flight for the same distance is about £100 (and there are cheaper deals)… plus it’s faster.

This is not going to be any different for the HS2. They call it a ‘commuter train’ to link London and the north but seriously, who is going to shell out £60-£100 per day for travel? Even a travel card is still guaranteed to be insanely expensive. With the cost of the train line to our government, there is no way they will drop ticket prices.

Seats? Don’t be Stupid

Perhaps things might change with HS2, but at the moment we will imagine that you’ve just spent £60 on a ticket to travel to the capital for a day. At least with that money you can be sure that you can travel in comfort and speed.

Then you remember that this is the UK and as I point out with this blog, trains are shit. Perhaps I’ve just had bad luck with trains, or perhaps because my home town is situated half way along a busy route I should expect them to be busy. Regardless, I swear that 80% of the trains I’ve ever used have been packed beyond capacity. As a result, that £60 I’ve just spent has not even paid for a seat, it has simply ensured that I’m going to be standing in a packed cabin within smelling distance of whoever is squashed in next to me. I don’t even get to sit down. Even stone-age man could sit down when he wanted to and he didn’t have to pay £60 for the privilege.

“But what if you’ve reserved a seat?” I hear you say. Well, don’t expect that seat without a battle. If the train is packed, you will have to fight your way through the impossibly tight aisle to your seat only to find that, lo and behold, either a mentally handicapped person, sleeping child or pensioner is in your place. Now you have to put up with the looks of disgust as you remove this less-able person from your place of comfort or put up with standing for two hours.

And if an able-bodied person is in your seat? I guarantee that it will be the biggest guy you’ve ever seen or the most beautiful lady you have ever laid eyes on… because trains.

"You should be thankful that your seat is the ONLY thing I'm in"

Trains Smell Like Defecation

So, you haven’t been able to secure a seat. No matter, you will just fight your way back through the train to stand near an exit. At least that way you can be the first to get off the god awful piece of engineering before the rest of the crowd. So, you find your way to a tiny space in which to stand only to smell something unusual.

The toilets, of course.

That’s right, every minute or two, someone will choose to use the toilets either to relieve themselves or to simply have enough space to calm them out of the panic attack they’re about to have. This means that every couple of minutes you get a waft of odour. You get to literally taste what that person has just produced in that tiny cubicle. There is no better way to get to know your fellow commuters than smelling their shit.

Perhaps the only good thing about trains is the fact that they make me realise how hard life is for someone who is disabled. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for them to get aboard a train and relax. Although I guess at least they are guaranteed a seat.

I remember a time when I used to love trains: A time when Thomas the Tank Engine would gleefully transport people and cargo around an imaginary island at a leisurely pace. If Thomas the Tank Engine were a modern train, he would be fat, slow, probably drunk and almost certainly suicidal … and he would definitely smell like shit.

I have a feeling someone has just shat inside me.

The HS2 will not be of any benefit to me and I really don’t care about it one way or another. But surely, there are better things to be spending £36 billion pounds on. That could buy a lot of extra seats for a train.

… or jetpacks. I’m just saying.

Review of Autosport International and the Performance Car Show... by someone who knows fuck all about cars.

A couple of weekends ago I went to Autosport International at Birmingham's NEC Arena. It was primarily a Christmas present for my Dad and Grandad but it was a great opportunity for me to get out into the world and improve my knowledge of cars.

You see, I know a little bit about motorbikes because I own one. But with all the automotive shows on TV and the car conversations between fellow menfolk, I realised that I know little to nothing about the four-wheeled variety of transport. So, it was off to the Automotive show for me to learn stuff about cars and the people who drive and admire them... and boy did I learn stuff.

I must apologise for the quality of the below photos; they were taken from my phone because I didn't think to take a bigger, better camera (after all, everyone has seen a car before). It turns out that the people who did take larger cameras looked... well, a little unstable. My friend has a special way of describing that type of person that sums up the way they looked quite well... Seat sniffers.

Anyway, feel free to 'click to enlarge' them.

When we arrived, we were faced with a massive hall filled with cars and car stands and car-related merchandise. In fact, I was surprised when one of the first stalls I came too had this:

No, that's not a two-wheeled car. That's a motorbike. It was one of about three motorbikes in the show, but it was welcoming to see something I could photograph and inspect without feeling stupid. One of the great fears I had was that I would be looking at a car and someone would come and talk to me about car things and leave me feeling out of my depth thus forcing me to contemplate soiling myself to get out of an awkward conversation. So, the motorbike was a nice addition to an otherwise car-dominated show.

After looking around some of the racing cars from different eras, it was time for us to go into an arena and watch some of the cars in action. I was looking forward to this bit because the arena was loud and flashy and I didn't have to worry about strangers talking to me because it was too loud.

The arena was like a club: it had lasers, a big screen with jazzy images, and smoke machines. It was also full of sweaty men so I guess it was more similar to some clubs than others but there was far more entertainment value to be had here.

The show started when two excitable people came into the hall and started telling pre-planned car jokes and getting the crowd 'warmed up' for the activities to follow. I'm sure I was meant to recognise them, but I didn't. Almost immediately after they finished their introduction, the hall was filled with the sound of screeching tyres and the smell of petrol as different vehicles entered and did their thing. It started with a motocross stunt bike show and then moved on to a number of short car demonstrations.

Some of the cars were trained to 'drift' sideways:

Whilst impressive, it was clear that the people driving these had started their careers doing doughnuts on a Tesco car park.

Another show was about cars that were considered to be the 'Best of British' as a result of their style, handling and blistering speed... despite this, they were driven at about two miles an hour around the arena, presumably to give time for the strange men with the big cameras to take plenty of photos for that special hidden folder on their computer:

This was then followed with the female presenter interviewing some people who used to drive or talk about cars professionally. It was funny because I'm pretty sure she was more clueless than me and she even managed to get a guys name wrong, despite it appearing on the immense screen behind her, next to a picture of his face:

This was then followed by a couple of the more enjoyable exhibitions including a load of three-wheeled cars which could barely stay upright:

This was then followed by an obese American car, that ran over other cars:

Finally, the show wound up with a short race between some of Britain's young, up-and-coming car drivers who have not yet killed themselves on our public roads. They talked about their past and the races they'd competed in and their plans for the future, all whilst the presenter attempted to shove a microphone up their nose:

It's worth adding that whilst all of this car-related action was going on, there were some slim ladies in different coloured jumpsuits walking about the arena waving flags and wondering what had gone wrong with their life. Whilst the screen assured me they were 'angels' I couldn't quite picture it. I'm guessing that 'eye-candy' is an accepted part of automotive culture but the worrying thing was the men in the audience seemed to only have eyes for the cars and I dare say these 'angels' almost seemed to be getting in the way a bit. Even the weird men with big cameras didn't seem to be interested in them.

The show wrapped up with a couple of explosions and then we all headed back into the main hall to look around the different stands. I must admit, I was quite looking forward to getting amongst the cars and I wasn't disappointed. One of the first exhibits we came to had one of the few cars I did recognise:

Granted, I only recognised this because my Grandad is a big Formula One fan and I happen to work for one of the companies that sponsor this team, but it was quite interesting to see the car up close. I guess it can hardly be called a car as it is basically a jet engine with wheels, but it felt good to walk around it and pretend I knew what the different bits did.

Whilst I was surprised at the size of the F1 cars, the thing that shocked me the most was the steering wheels:

It may be hard to see from my crappy photo, but that is basically an X-Box controller on steroids. God only knows what all those buttons do, but I'm pretty sure that if the driver hits the right sequence of buttons he would get an extra life or shoot a banana peel out of the back of his car or something.

Two other cars that seemed vaguely familiar were probably once owned by Batman and the second of the two, whilst aesthetically pleasing, was hinted at being a prostitute car by the sign that had been left on its windscreen:

There was also a part of the hall that had cars up for auction. This was probably my favourite part of the show because even I could appreciate some of these lovely looking vehicles. Granted, some of them were clearly compensating for something:

... and others were carrying their young on their back...

... and others were bit small...

... and some had not had particularly careful previous owners...

...but all of them had character. There were some really interesting designs from throughout the last 50 years.

Coming out of the auction area, I came face to face with the university stands that were commandeered by students of mechanical engineering who discussed their engine designs with my Grandad. It was funny because, being students, they had not had enough life experience to realise that you never talk to an elderly gentleman about engines because it will literally take up your whole day. I think that by the time my Grandad was through with the poor kid he was rethinking the future of his degree.

Moving on, there were more 'angels' strutting around giving away free calendars and having their photos taken with various gentlemen who were undoubtedly going to tag them as their girlfriends on Facebook. This was all amongst stands that were advertising brake pads and tyres.

At the very end of the hall, we finally made it to the area that interested me the most. This was where the science stuff was. This consisted of the fastest cars on the planet (the kind that break the sound barrier and anyone who makes a mistake whilst driving them) and some of the newer vehicles destined for service on the front lines with the armed forces. Granted, there was still the occasional 'angel' fluttering around, but it was very insightful to get a close up look at some of the vehicles that have broken records in recent years amongst people who knew their stuff and were happy to talk about it.

We finally finished the day with a look at some of the faster street cars such as the Ariel Atom and others that seemed to be missing parts like roofs and back seats before being handed a bag of goodies on our way out. I must say, it was a truly enjoyable day and one that I would recommend to anyone who likes (or wants to learn more about) cars. Here are a few of the lessons I learnt:

1) A car doesn't have to have four wheels to be a car
2) Cars don't need roofs, or back seats... assuming you don't mind being wet and lonely
3) Angels don't have wings and probably have STD's
4) Cars carry their young on their back
5) Some people look at cars in a way that makes other people feel uncomfortable

Despite the fun I had, I think I will stick to my motorbike for the time being, but I may consider another car show in the future.