Why I Hate Trains

Recently, the British government have announced that the plans for the HS2 high-speed train have been given the ‘go ahead’. Granted, the damn thing won’t be completed until 2036 and there is still a lot of building work to be done, but in the end will it be worth it? Cost is obviously something that should be carefully considered. After all, the train line will cost around £32 billion by the time is has been finished and its toll on wildlife in Britain may have an equally high cost, but is there any other cost in building and using such a train?

Of course there is. The cost to your soul.

Below I list my reasons why using a train is a soul-destroying affair and why we would be better off spending that money researching and providing the nation with jetpacks.

Trains are Slow

OK, negativity in a blog such as this is to be expected but surely I am straight out lying about this. After all, the HS2 line is meant to be super fast. There’s no way you can beat those claims and it’s surely easy to justify the spending when you’ve got a line that can take you from London to Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool, Glasgow, Edinburgh or Leeds in a short timescale…

… Except, you can. With planes.

They are like cleaner trains but they fly

OK, so let’s pretend planes aren’t an option for whatever reason. Perhaps you have a fear of flying, or you believe the urban myth about your frozen poop landing in peoples back gardens. Let’s assume that the train is the only other option bar car. Well, here’s something that people don’t seem to think about with any trains, whether it be high speed or low speed. They are run by people for people… and people are stupid. It takes only one stupid person to make a train late, and the country is full of them. Even if the line works as expected, it is only going to shave around 30 minutes off most journeys and some of the stations they stop at are not all that near to the centre of most cities. If you add on the time it takes to get to these stations in order to get on your super-fast train, it actually isn't very fast at all.

Trains Can’t Cope with Weather

One of the best things about traveling by train is that you’re nice and warm and you can sit back and relax. Yeah, even I can’t argue entirely with that point. At least you are inside and sheltered from the elements. The issue is that the train you are taking refuge in will probably already have been late, assuming its running at all. Not only that, but in bad weather, you can’t really be sure it its going to go all the way to your final destination. When it snowed recently, numerous train services stopped, or stopped short of where they were meant to.

Trains are fucking useless in anything other than blazing sunshine or light rain.

Trains Have People on Board

Trains are a form of public transport and the ‘public’ can make your day go sour really quickly. If you get on a train -- and assuming you get a seat (more of that later) -- you will unquestionably be closer to the complete stranger sitting next to you than you want to be. Or, you will be sitting opposite one of those weird ‘starer’ guys who seem to fixate on you until a moment or two after you make eye contact. People don’t even have to be sitting near you to make the journey miserable. Many trains serve alcoholic drinks and allow alcohol on board… and alcohol turns people into loud, bellowing spastics. Perhaps your train is one transporting an army of meathead football fans to their local game. Or better still, maybe you are getting off at the town their team just lost to. Children, businessmen and potential rapists all make getting the train a miserable affair.

It’s worse if you have to move for any reason. You will experience the people who refuse to shift their bags from the aisle or who will push you if they’re in a rush to move up the train or push past you even if there is nowhere for them to go (only to have them turn around and push past you again). There are even people who will over-react massively to any inconvenience. It’s like they’ve never had soul-crushing journeys on a train before and are disappointed to realise it is neither relaxing nor fun. Idiots.

People also over-react to the automatic carriage doors closing on them. As the two flimsy bits of plastic loosely squeeze them, they will wheeze, choke or scream as though in pain. It’s like they expect some pretty lady to stick her hand in a hole full of centipedes to pull a secret lever and free them (and possibly an annoying Chinese kid) from their doom.

 Exactly like this.

Trains are Unpredictable

So, we know trains run late quite often. It’s always in the news and anyone who has had the misfortune to travel by train has probably experienced it being late. But the worse thing about trains is that they are not always late… sometimes they are early.

I have experienced two or three occasions where trains arrived a couple of minutes early and departed a couple of minutes early. I’ve even pointed this out to an instructor before who just shrugged and told me that the doors were closed and that was that. This was not even the time according to my watch, but the time according to the station and just about everyone I spoke to. I also remember an occasion where, with two full suitcases and a backpack, I had to board a train and then walk the entire length of it to get to my seat just because they wanted the doors to be closed so the train could depart… even though it was not due to depart for over a minute.

Cost

Let’s say you want to take an unplanned trip to London. You don’t fancy driving, so you go to your local train station for a leisurely ride. How much will this cost? Well at the moment, from somewhere central like Birmingham, about £60 off peak. This is a bit costly if you ask me, but it’s worse if you’re in Scotland. A trip from Edinburgh to London will set you back around £125-£200 whereas a flight for the same distance is about £100 (and there are cheaper deals)… plus it’s faster.

This is not going to be any different for the HS2. They call it a ‘commuter train’ to link London and the north but seriously, who is going to shell out £60-£100 per day for travel? Even a travel card is still guaranteed to be insanely expensive. With the cost of the train line to our government, there is no way they will drop ticket prices.

Seats? Don’t be Stupid

Perhaps things might change with HS2, but at the moment we will imagine that you’ve just spent £60 on a ticket to travel to the capital for a day. At least with that money you can be sure that you can travel in comfort and speed.

Then you remember that this is the UK and as I point out with this blog, trains are shit. Perhaps I’ve just had bad luck with trains, or perhaps because my home town is situated half way along a busy route I should expect them to be busy. Regardless, I swear that 80% of the trains I’ve ever used have been packed beyond capacity. As a result, that £60 I’ve just spent has not even paid for a seat, it has simply ensured that I’m going to be standing in a packed cabin within smelling distance of whoever is squashed in next to me. I don’t even get to sit down. Even stone-age man could sit down when he wanted to and he didn’t have to pay £60 for the privilege.

“But what if you’ve reserved a seat?” I hear you say. Well, don’t expect that seat without a battle. If the train is packed, you will have to fight your way through the impossibly tight aisle to your seat only to find that, lo and behold, either a mentally handicapped person, sleeping child or pensioner is in your place. Now you have to put up with the looks of disgust as you remove this less-able person from your place of comfort or put up with standing for two hours.

And if an able-bodied person is in your seat? I guarantee that it will be the biggest guy you’ve ever seen or the most beautiful lady you have ever laid eyes on… because trains.

"You should be thankful that your seat is the ONLY thing I'm in"

Trains Smell Like Defecation

So, you haven’t been able to secure a seat. No matter, you will just fight your way back through the train to stand near an exit. At least that way you can be the first to get off the god awful piece of engineering before the rest of the crowd. So, you find your way to a tiny space in which to stand only to smell something unusual.

The toilets, of course.

That’s right, every minute or two, someone will choose to use the toilets either to relieve themselves or to simply have enough space to calm them out of the panic attack they’re about to have. This means that every couple of minutes you get a waft of odour. You get to literally taste what that person has just produced in that tiny cubicle. There is no better way to get to know your fellow commuters than smelling their shit.

Perhaps the only good thing about trains is the fact that they make me realise how hard life is for someone who is disabled. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for them to get aboard a train and relax. Although I guess at least they are guaranteed a seat.

I remember a time when I used to love trains: A time when Thomas the Tank Engine would gleefully transport people and cargo around an imaginary island at a leisurely pace. If Thomas the Tank Engine were a modern train, he would be fat, slow, probably drunk and almost certainly suicidal … and he would definitely smell like shit.

I have a feeling someone has just shat inside me.

The HS2 will not be of any benefit to me and I really don’t care about it one way or another. But surely, there are better things to be spending £36 billion pounds on. That could buy a lot of extra seats for a train.

… or jetpacks. I’m just saying.