Advertising on the Internet...

I've made a point previously that, in my opinion, the internet is becoming worse from day to day. I recently tried to sell something on Ebay to find that there is little seller protection on the site. You can't even leave negative feedback for someone who has messed you around. As such, the only people who seem to sell on there now are big companies or independent stores. It is now very hard to get a bargain.

Facebook, Youtube and other major sites are now host to borders of adverts that systematically get as much (inaccurate) information from you as possible in order to sell you junk.

Corporations have hijacked every corner of the web, popups have been entirely replaced by whole screens that jump in front of your eyes to lock your PC, and you can't even watch a video without first having to sit through 30 seconds of advertisement.

Previously, clicking in the wrong place whilst browsing was a mild inconvenience; easily solved by pressing the 'back' button. Now, an incorrect click can result in you downloading something entirely unpleasant onto your PC. Even legitimate download sites are plastered with banners such as these that only promote confusion:

Circled are no less than three 'download' links. Of which two undoubtedly lead to bad porn.

People often think that because a guy is surfing the net, he is looking for porn and thus, any advertisement that leads to smut is going to be appreciated. I'm sorry to say that this is not true. Whilst 90% of a blokes time on the internet is undoubtedly spent looking at porn, the other 10% usually has a purpose and having the worst kind of depravity thrust in your face at every opportunity is never appreciated.

Don't believe me? Well see how you like it the next time this appears on your screen whilst you're trying to show your nan how to set up an email account:

And believe me, that is not the worst there is. For those of you who have not heard of 'Rule 34', it is a widely accepted internet rule that states "if it exists, there is porn of it." I have no doubt that it is true and you will undoubtedly see evidence for yourself if you surf the net for long enough.

I understand that hosting advertisements is sometimes necessary for a website in order for the maker to get a steady cash flow. It pays for the upkeep of the site and in some circumstances, it may even be welcomed by the person browsing if they are actually looking to buy something. But, I ask a simple question:

Has anyone EVER bought anything that was sold to them through an invasive pop-up or browser diversion?

I expect that few people have. The reason is simply because in this day and age, nobody trusts something that is thrust into their face. It's the same feeling when visiting an Egyptian market. If a person comes up to you with their wares and shoves it in your face and announces that you should buy it because it is what you like then you are immediately going to walk away. Even if you actually liked what was being sold, you would not buy it because it stinks of 'seller desperation' and human nature is to disagree when someone tells you what you should like.

The worst culprits are the advertisements which prey on sad, lonely or vulnerable people. Whilst browsing (on non-porn related) websites and forums, I have seen the following popups in the corner of my screen:

Now, it's not the 'look' of the models that I'm calling into question, nor the fact that the model that claims to be 30 looks younger than the one claiming to be 18; it's the fact that not a single one of them has got any reference to anything remotely 'Stokey' in their usernames. Much like similar advertisements for 'dating sites', I would expect real Stokies to have usernames such as 'Oatcakelass69', 'Pottersforever1' or at least some reference to the magnificent museum we have. I've even seen a picture of a girl posing in front of palm trees with a note underneath claiming she is from Stoke.

If you've never visited Stoke, I will ruin the fantasy for you now. There are no palm trees.

One day, I would really like to be able to use the internet without getting sidetracked by an advert, tricked by a banner, or accidentally downloading 'Interracial Granny Midget Trannies 5' instead of the finale of Breaking Bad.

... and guys, if you are looking for porn I'm sure there are far safer sources on the internet than the suspicious pop-up in the corner of the screen. 

The Things Men Say...

I live in Stoke. Yeah, on purpose. It's where I grew up.

The first thing I want to say is that it's not as bad as some people seem to think. Generally the crime levels aren't too high and there is not much violent crime. Whilst I have seen crime and experienced it firsthand, it's never been violent and I've never felt threatened where I live. I figured that Stoke hasn't discovered gunpowder or even iron yet so our gangs are still walking around with rocks tied to sticks and early Bronze Age weapons. This is probably why there isn't really much of a gang culture in my town.

Despite this, I do see the occasional chav in town arguing with his girlfriend. And then there was the guy who tried to kill himself by putting his head behind the wheel of a stationary bus after a failed attempt to hang himself with his jumper. So, I guess the reason we don't have violent crime here is because people are too 'simple' for armed conflict.

The way that the above men act -- especially around their partners -- does make me ponder over popular things that men say or do that are unique and annoying. I figured I would list some of them here:

1) "I'm a nice guy" - I think we all know someone like this. This is the person who has a deplorable lack of personality but views himself as the most suave motherfucker on the planet. One of my close friends recently bought to my attention this particular phrase which I realise I've actually heard said in pubs and bars many times. The type of person who says this is someone who was, at some point in their life, popular (for unknown reasons) and has latched onto a distant memory of a drunken idiot telling them this. This is the type of guy who refers to himself in the 3rd person.

Hand gesticulations are a must!

2) Referring to himself in the 3rd person - People don't tend to refer to themselves in the 3rd person in common conversation however a quick peek onto Facebook does show that this is used more often that you would think. When someone refers to themselves in the 3rd person they are essentially advertising the fact that they think so highly of themselves, they like nothing more than to hear their name said aloud. Either that or they're suffering from multiple personality syndrome... and all of the personalities are complete knobs.

3) Giving himself a nickname - Nicknames are something which should only really be used at school or perhaps in various workplaces. Aside from people working for MI6 or the CIA, nicknames shouldn't be something you give yourself. The only people with nicknames outside of these environments are serial killers and sex pests. It might be ok for other people to give someone a nickname (although these people should probably still be avoided) however giving yourself a nickname is just sad. "Hi, my name is Bob but my friends call me Razor". The appropriate response to someone saying this should be, "That's nice Bob, but I'm going to call you Cuntychops."

When I was younger there was a man who used to walk around the Wedgewood area of our town who asked women for the time whilst he dropped his pants and played with himself. We called him the Wedgewood Wanker. He is the perfect example of the type of person who has a nickname.

Yeah, this man looks pretty trustworthy.

4) "I have really low self esteem/I'm shy" - If a guy says this, it roughly translates to, "I'm used to girls falling over to grab my attention but I'm showing you that I really have a soft side and, deep down, I'm quite worried about the way people view me." Or, to put it another way, "I'm vain and I know I'm attractive enough to get you into bed."

Obviously, if the guy who says this is cowering in a corner, playing online games in the dark or pissing himself as he speaks, then he’s probably telling the truth.

5) “I set the internet history to automatically delete itself” – Yeah, this means porn has been viewed. The most sordid, most disgusting porn sites known to man have been looked at through that monitor. You have to think, if these things are bad enough for him to hide them from you then it’s probably best you don’t know what he’s looked at.

6) “This is our song” – Something which blokes quite often say to their girlfriends to recapture a romantic moment from their past. You can usually expect this to be the soppiest, most sickly-sweet, diabetes-inducing, cheesiest track you’ve ever heard. Something like Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” or Robbie Williams’ “Angels”. I once knew someone who worked at a hotel which provided a hall where wedding receptions were held and they had to listen to these songs played over and over and over on a weekly basis.

If you’re going to have a song that is an audio representation of your love for someone then for God’s sake, make it unique… something like Slayers “Raining Blood” perhaps?

7) Saying “I bloody love you” (whilst crying) – If a guy does this then I’ve got bad news for you. A) He’s a chav. B) He’s also probably cheating on you.

Says it all, really. 

8) Cheating on his girlfriend/wife and then saying he can change – OK, so if this has happened to you, and you’ve believed it and taken him back, then I’m sorry but you’re an idiot. He’s probably cheating on your right now.

9) “No, my best friend is black/gay/Jewish” – Yeah, right mate. According to this common statement, black people, gays and Jews must be the most popular people on the planet because I have heard this said on many, many occasions.

10) “I’m not racist but…” (launches into hate-filled rant) – The football-obsessed thug that usually launches himself headfirst into this rant is probably a supporter of the EDL, convinces himself that Asian people are going to take over the UK and can’t pronounce the word ‘England’ properly.



It’s important at this point to mention that despite popular belief, and despite outward appearances, not all guys are terrible, terrible people. And, there are many things that women do that are equally annoying, but I’ll leave that list to a lady.

Rant over. Now, I’m going to go and delete my internet history before my girlfriend comes round.

The Best Way to Get to Know Your own Town...

... is for someone to visit.

I've been very lucky recently in that I've met a wonderful lady (everybody say "awww") but she is not from my home town of Stoke-on-Trent so that gives me the opportunity to take her around Stoke and show her all the sights and sounds of the town. It's great because it means I have to actually look around the town and find out what attractions visitors have to choose from to see what Stoke is all about... but there's a problem.

There's not a whole lot of interesting things to see in Stoke. In fact, pretty much the only reason to visit Stoke is for pottery (if you're into that kind of thing) or oatcakes. Oatcakes are definitely worth the trip as they are awesome, but the pottery industry has mostly moved overseas although signs of our pottery-creating past still scatter the Stoke landscape.

So, I thought to myself. Where can we visit? The first and most obvious local choice was Hanley museum. After all, it is a museum so it must have lots of interesting local things in it, right? Well.... sort of.

Part of the Staffordshire Saxon Hoard

We have part of the Staffordshire hoard of Saxon gold which is pretty impressive and is such an important exhibit it has a rather awkward-looking lady standing near it to with the important task of ensuring kids don't lean on the glass and people know how to use the magnifying glass provided. Here is what happened last time I visited the exhibit:

"Why was the Saxon hoard left in Staffordshire?" an eager child asks.
"Well, it was shared between a museum in Birmingham and one in Stoke." she replied, with a helpful smile.
"No, he wanted to know why it was originally left in Staffordshire. Who buried it?" intervened the child's father.
"Oh. Well, we think it was some Saxons who looted the gold and then buried it for safekeeping." The lady replied.
The father looks at the huge sign above the exhibit saying: 'Saxon Hoard of Gold Found Buried in Field'. I can see he's thinking the same thing as me: This clever lady is just reciting what it says on the sign directly above her. "Right," he says, "so why was it buried? Why did the person who buried it not come back to collect it?"
"Oh," she replies, "we suspect that he was either killed or forgot where he buried it. That's why it wasn't found until recently."
I stifle a snigger and I think the father sees me laugh. I can't help it. The lady is clearly a master detective.

But the great thing with Hanley museum is that there are so many other things to see. Like the dead cat.

Yup, you heard me. The dead cat. No, not a cat that has been stuffed and put in the taxidermy section, it's just a dead cat sitting in a glass case. It's not in any way preserved, it's not a rare species, it's just a dead tabby cat which looks suspiciously like roadkill. I'm convinced that if you lifted it's head, it would have a name tag and an address attached to it. I have no idea what it is doing in the museum but its clear that one day, a (presumably drug-induced) person came into the museum carrying the dead cat (I'll assume in a black bin liner) and said, "Are you a museum?" To which the museum staff would've replied, "Yes, we are sir. How can I help?" The male would've then shuffled, opened the bin bag and said, "Do you want a dead cat?"

Now, in a normal museum in a normal town the staff would've said, "No sir, and we don't like your type around here. We have plenty of historical exhibits here, the last thing we need is roadkill." But, in Stoke, the person must have said, "A dead cat? That would be great! We have an empty case that needs filling and who wouldn't enjoy looking at a dead cat?"

In addition to the dead cat and the gold, we have a transect of what a pond in Stoke looks like. Well, ok, I don't know if that's what it's meant to demonstrate, but it's a pool of murky water filled with trash with a clear screen to look through. Perhaps it's meant to demonstrate how long it takes for rubbish to decompose, but the bottom line is it is a pool of murky water filled with trash.

Thankfully the Supermarine Spitfire exhibit on the bottom floor pretty much saves the museum. It commemorates one of our proudest historical figures: Reginald Mitchell. His aeroplane design helped save Britain from invasion during the Second World War. The fact that he came from Stoke means that we can be forgiven for unleashing Robbie Williams and Edward Smith on the world .

"Who is Edward Smith?" I hear you say.

Oh, he was the captain of the Titanic. Yup. The Titanic sank because a man from Stoke-on-Trent was at the helm.

Edward Smith, Stokie, and proud sinker of the RMS. Titanic

Of course Lemmy (of Motorhead) helps to cancel out that little disaster because everyone loves Lemmy and he is from Stoke.

So, after visiting Hanley museum and seeing the dead cat and the pool of rubbish, where is the next place in Stoke to visit? Well, we've got Ford Green Hall and Little Moreton Hall. Both of them are old wattle and daub houses. Wattle and daub, for those of you who are unaware, is basically cow shit mixed with straw and a bit of clay. So if you really fancy a wonderful day out with the family you can go and spend the day in a house that is literally made of shit.

Another fun place is Gladstone Working Pottery Museum. There, you can laugh at old job titles like 'saggar-maker's bottom-knocker' and you can try to make the people in the period costumes break character. That is a difficult task and I can vouch for that first hand because I did my school work experience at Gladstone and had the wonderful task of dressing up in an itchy old schoolboy's costume and maintaining character... upon pain of death. The lady who instructed me utterly refused to break character, even when there was nobody around. It was ridiculous. She kept calling me 'Stan' and then got frustrated when I didn't answer her. I was punished by having to hoover a 100 year old bottle kiln which was full of 100 years of dust and muck.

Gladstone Working Pottery Museum, Photo credit to Val Vennet

So, after thinking of all these places to visit I decided I would instead take my lovely lady to Trentham Gardens and we did have a great day. In the end walking through nice Italian gardens was probably a little more relaxed and romantic than looking at a dead cat, walking around a shit house or standing in a dusty factory. But it goes to show that you really don't know your town until someone comes to visit.