Incidentally, I thought I would put things in motion again by writing something useful for once. Something that people might actually use. So, I figured why not write about something close to my heart. Motorbikes.
Now, before any non-bikers groan and turn off, it is important to note that whilst I am fond of bikes, I know little to nothing about the internal workings of a bike. I know basic maintenance but aside from that, as mentioned before, I know nothing about fixing anything beyond a deflated tyre or new brake pad and I am utterly useless at describing the issues.
I never mentioned this before, but I ride a 1050cc 2010 Triumph Speed Triple. It's a relatively good bike if you're lucky enough to have few issues, but I'm not going to lie and say its perfect. It's a big baby and if, like me, you ride bikes all year round, it will sometimes subtly act up in a way which even Triumph can't seem to pinpoint, but when it does work it is fun. Also it's a beautiful bike, which is really its saving grace. Anyway, previous to this I have owned a Yamaha FZ6 600cc and a Yamaha Dragstar Classic 125cc. I've got around 8 years riding experience and aside from the three bikes mentioned above, I've driven countless others. So, why is this important?
Because, if you are one of the few people who are actually considering buying a bike that you expect to actually use, then I'm the kind of person you want to talk to. Not one of these weekend riders who have pristine bikes with less than 5,000 miles on the clock and abnormally shiny chains, but me. Someone who is not going to be a depressing statistic and stain on someones bonnet. Which is where I start off:
Driving a bike is dangerous if you are a dick:
Yup, this one is self-explanatory. The one thing people will always tell you when you drive a bike (and they don't) is that "It's not the bike you have to watch out for, it's other road users." Now, this is true to an extent (as I shall explain shortly) but if some other road user is driving like an arse whilst you are driving carefully then you will be fine. You will have time to evade their arsey driving. If, however, you are driving like a dick then quite quickly dick will meet arse and -- as anyone in prison will tell you -- that leads to a world of pain.
So what do I mean when I say 'driving like a dick'? Well, driving too close to others, driving too fast, unnecessary overtaking, undertaking or just attempting to race everyone else who makes eye contact with you is pretty much the definition.
In America, motorbikes are nicknamed 'crotch rockets' and with good reason. Most bikes under £10,000 can easily outperform any sports car on the road for a fraction of the price. This means that bikers are going to be more prone to speeding because its easier to speed up and slow down over shorter distances and you don't have a £500,000 price tag hanging over your head all the time. A bikers natural reaction is to go a little too fast and that's a beast you have to tame quickly if you want to survive on the roads.
If you look like this, you're doing it wrong.
If you buy a bike, DRIVE IT:
This may sound like a strange one. I appreciate that if you have a motorbike you will probably not want to ride it in Winter (in fact, I discourage this as I describe below), however you should ride it as soon as the weather is even remotely permitting. Yeah, it may be wet and windy, but get on it and drive it. If you don't, then you could easily be caught short if you're out on a drive in Summer and suddenly the heavens open. People think such things shouldn't be a problem, but trust me, roads can act strange after a bit of rain.
Aside from the obvious fact that you have reduced visibility during rain, you will find that no matter what you are wearing, part of your body will be inexplicably getting damp (usually the crotch). This can be understandably off-putting. In addition to this, you will find your feet may slip, your visor may fog up (and when you lift it, the rain gets on the inside where its difficult to clear) and the spray off other vehicles is deadly. Not only this, but you have glare off the road if the sun decides to come out and loose grit and general slipperiness to contend with. You can only get used to these things by driving for as much of the year as possible.
Food for thought: every time I have seen a biker acting recklessly on a road, he has usually been on a very clean, very new looking sports bike. I have nothing against 'weekend drivers' if they have the experience, but without it, they are simply driving a very shiny time bomb.
Incidentally, I very morbidly looked on the BBC website for the statistics of road accidents over a year. This shows the amount of accidents and the age of the people involved, the vehicles involved and the weather. I noticed a worrying statistic. Despite popular belief that 'young un's' are the most likely to die on motorbikes, it seemed that the majority of fatal accidents I came across involved people between the age of 30-55. Why is this?
My theory? Midlife crisis. Family. People between these ages are more likely to have settled down and are just as likely to own a car. As a result, a bike is less likely to be a form of transport and more likely to be a form of enjoyment used only on the occasional warm weekend when the wife and kids are busy. I understand this is a terrible presumption to make and statistics can be misleading, but I think that these people are more in danger with their (potentially) slower reaction times and infrequent bike use than some young person who only has a bike to get around.
Pictured: Midlife Crisis.
NEVER drive in the snow:
It's no secret that I dislike snow and Winter in general. This mostly comes from me only having a motorbike to drive. I am one of the unlucky ones in that sense. I try to avoid driving in the snow whenever possible but I have been caught out in it before and let me tell you, it is terrifying. It is also impossible to drive in. The simple fact of the matter is, if you drive in the snow, you are going to come off your bike. It might not hurt, you may well be safe, but your bike could get damaged and you will look like a massive knob.
When I've been caught in the snow before, I've had people (usually elderly, non-bikers) telling me 'the best ways to drive in snow'. This includes: driving in the gutter, driving fast, driving really slow, driving with deflated tyres and driving in various gears. None of these work. If you want to drive in snow with a bike, you're an idiot. If you have to drive in snow then you better put both feet on the ground and do 2mph. You will get wet feet, but you may just make it home without incident. Let me tell you, if you drop that bike in the snow, you are going to be waiting around hoping that someone passes by so they can help you pick it up because otherwise you will just be sliding the damn thing around on its side.
As a final note, unless you have ever visited the coldest parts of Siberia, you will have never experienced the cold of driving a bike in Winter. Even with thick gloves on, the wind-chill factor on your hands is so extreme that within 20 minutes you can easily lose feeling in them. As I said, NEVER drive in snow.
Assume everyone else on the road is out to kill you:
Again, I hear people telling me to drive 'defensively'. This is rubbish. You drive safely, but aggressively. On a bike, you shouldn't linger or hesitate, you shouldn't be a good Samaritan and you should never drive like you're 80 years old. You are a small target on the road and can be as easily dismissed as a cyclist (and those poor bastards probably have a harder time than motorbikers). If you drive slowly or stop to let someone else out, then others will seize the opportunity to dangerously overtake you. If you don't overtake the person driving at 15mph on a 40mph road, then you are going to end up in the back of them (or falling off) when they brake suddenly.
The simple fact of the matter is you are on two wheels and that means that every time you brake, every time you stop and every time you have to perform a manoeuvre because of some other twat, you are putting yourself at risk. I never let anyone out of a side road in front of me because I will almost always regret it. They will either proceed to drive really slow or I will be left waiting there as a stationary target whilst the person makes up their mind whether I'm trying to trick them or not. In addition to this, use the acceleration you have to get yourself ahead of the traffic and out of trouble. This may mean driving a little faster for a couple of seconds, but if you are ahead of all the other road users, you are far safer.
My personal feeling is that motorways are the safest roads for bikers. You see, on a motorway, you get into the fast lane and match speed with the faster vehicles on the road. This way, you only have to worry about anyone who's speeding up behind you and the rare dickhead who pulls into your lane from your left. If you're in the slow lane, you're constantly pulling out into a lane with faster traffic to avoid slow lorries and then pulling back. If you're in the middle lane, you're having to look out everywhere. The fast lane is the safest. Also, everyone knows that each articulated lorry on the road is a rumbling force designed to kill and maim until the balance of the natural world is restored.
The most dangerous roads are residential. This is surprisingly obvious. You may be doing 30mph, but everyone is constantly pulling out on you or slowing down or making erratic manoeuvres. These are the roads you want to get off as quickly and safely as possible. Incidentally, when someone is going to pull out on you, you should always try to watch their eyes. People do this curious look... it's kind of like they've seen you but think that if they don't look at you, you won't really be there. It consists of a single glance then a forced aversion to you. It's bizarre. Avoid all cars in residential roads, that is the best advice.
This look generally doesn't bode well either...
Other annoyances:
There are a couple of other things to remember when buying a bike. These may not seem all that obvious either. Firstly, you are obliged to nod to every single biker that passes you. It's like a not-so-secret handshake. It's really friendly as it shows that you're part of a 'group' and you have been accepted, but damn do you feel like a dick if you forget to return the nod. In addition to this, if you nod to a scooter accidentally... well, that's just unforgivable.
Secondly -- and most annoyingly -- not all traffic lights recognise that you are waiting for them to change. Those with motion sensors or pressure strips in the road might not pick up the movement or weight of your bike. As a result, you may be forced to either wait until a car comes along or gingerly drive through on red. This is a pretty major design flaw if you ask me.
Thirdly, everyone will want to talk to you when you stop outside a busy shop or pub. Even if your bike is not particularly special, everyone will want to ask you bike related questions. This may sound good, but when you're late for work or meeting friends, it can be a bit of a ballache.
Fourthly, you will get people trying to recruit you into motorcycle 'groups'. Whilst some of these consist of genuine motorcycle enthusiasts, it can be hard to tell the difference between those and the 'gangs' that expect you to wank off a dog and be the clubs bitch for a year to 'prove your worth'. If you're into that kind of thing then good for you. If not, then you may have to explain very politely to the big leather-clad man why you are too good to be in his group (tip: I usually find that saying you're a copper or ex-copper helps).
Finally, motorcycle clothing can be quite expensive. Well, you can get cheaper boots and leathers but generally if they are cheap you will find that they break easily. The soles in the boots will fall off and the zips will almost always break. It is worth getting the expensive stuff, but your natural reaction will be to buy the cheap stuff first and learn the lesson yourself.
Oh, and I've yet to find a truly 100% waterproof piece of clothing. If you can't stand under a shower in it for 30 minutes without getting wet, then it's not waterproof enough.
Lastly, the GOOD things about driving a bike:
Despite stock images such as this suggesting otherwise, blurred vision is NEVER a good thing.
So, at this point you're probably wondering why anyone drives a bike. Why do I rant and moan like this and still put up with the thing? It's not an easy answer. Simply put; you have to try it. There is an inherent freedom to driving a motorbike and, when you are used to it and the bike becomes an extension of yourself, you learn to love it. I routinely get depressed over my previous bike that was stolen from me. I know there was things wrong with it, but to me it was perfect. It was anthropomorphic. It was part of me. It was very, very hard to replace and I still cringe when I use the word 'replace'.
The more you drive a bike, the safer it becomes. You learn from silly mistakes, you are almost certainly going to have a couple of tumbles but when this happens if you get back on it, you know you're going to be safer in the future. You have almost full 360 vision and you can smell the world around you (I all to often get a whiff of pot from the cars in front and as a result know which cars to avoid). You also have a greater manoeuvrability and speed so you can get yourself out of trouble if you're quick enough.
When you get out onto a country road and ride round sweeping bends you realise why a bike is just so special. You really feel the road beneath you and it is a sensation that can't be matched on any other vehicle. You always have those magical moments where you drive over the crest of a road and see a rainbow or view a magnificent sunset and they stay with you forever.
As a final note on the wonders of motorbike riding, I should point out that some research shows that driving a motorcycle hones your mind and keeps you alert. Indeed, it helps you remember things and apparently it could help to stave off dementia. Extreme views, but when you're on your bike with no radio or people to distract you, your mind really opens up but at the same time you keep attentive and your reflexes are honed.
Also, if none of the above really takes your fancy, it also tends to be far cheaper than driving a car. A bike lesson tends to be a little more expensive but you have less of them. You can drive a bike on a provisional licence once you've done your CBT which is a day course costing no more than £200. Road tax is very cheap and petrol is not too bad, depending on the bike and the way you drive it. But best of all?
... you will probably never pay for parking again in your life.
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