Charity Really Does Begin at Home

I hate to be negative... well, that's not entirely true, I actually quite like negativity sometimes; it forces people to answer obvious questions. Anyway, I dislike appearing negative but I'm going to go ahead and appear that way by saying: If you're going to give money to charity, make sure it doesn't go to waste. There are some charities I would never give money to because, to be frank, it's not worth it.

Every year there is the usual Comic Relief and Sport Relief and everyone's bouncing around saying how great it is to get out there and lose weight or laugh for a good cause... the good cause being Terry Wogan's bank account of course. You see, every year millions are raised for both sport relief and comic relief. MILLIONS. That's millions of UK pounds that are raised. Now, I know that the pound has not been the strongest currency in recent years but it is still stronger than, say, Zimbabwe dollars. Recently, a 100 Trillion dollar Zimbabwe note went on eBay for about £20. That is probably a little more than the actual worth of the money as the currency is just that worthless.

Who wants to be a Zimbabwe Trillionaire?

So, how is it that every year we raise millions (UK currency) for charitable causes abroad and yet the next year we are still doing the same thing? And what justifies our good charity? The year following one of these epic fundraisers a celebrity is sent (presumably on an all expenses paid first class flight) to the country to see what good the money has done. Whilst walking through the shanty towns or barren landscapes they proudly pronounce that the money you helped to raise was used to buy a new blackboard, six board rubbers, 3 pens, a set of chairs and a tap for the village... I know some stationary stores are a bit of a rip off but if that's all you can buy for £29m then something is very, very wrong.

A million pounds should be an unfathomable amount of money for a village of people who probably don't earn more than the equivalent of a few pounds a month. It should really be enough to buy a selection of new homes, buildings and all the services you would expect. It should also be enough to pay the wages of a handful of teachers for a year or more. So, the hard question remains. Where the hell does the rest of the money go to?

Well, you've got administrative costs, celebrity pay packets, transport for those involved in the events, the cost of airing the show, the wages of all the people involved in shooting the programme, marketing, advertising and presumably another load of administrative and pay packets for the people involved in the charities the money goes to themselves. How much of that money actually made it to the places it was needed?

According to the BBC website which gives details of the money that was sent out, there was still quite a large amount given out, although I must admit there is still a shortfall which I can presume goes on the aforementioned activities. But still, an impressive amount apparently made it to these countries. I say apparently because we can never really know. If we are to believe these figures there is still an obvious issue. That issue is quite simply that all of the money raised is being split up and sent all over the globe. There are 49 locations in Africa alone that the money was sent to (looking at the figures from 2007's comic relief) and then various locations around the Middle East and the Caribbean. Using Africa as an example, £89,000 on average was sent to each location. Obviously, this should still a staggering amount for a small village but presumably the materials used for construction are bought at UK prices or the people building are paid UK wages because there still seems to be only small scale construction.

If the money was sent to a only a handful of locations then it could make a real and lasting difference; one which would be noticeable and perhaps inspire more people to give to charity. Alternatively -- and call me a racist for suggesting this -- wouldn't it be prudent to spend the money in the UK? Afterall, as underprivileged as kids are in Africa, there are some pretty shoddy locations here in the UK and children that really don't have any future. Not only this, but sending money abroad must be expensive in itself whereas using it in the UK would mean it's far easier to account for and wouldn't need to be transferred through various accounts before being used.

I always wonder why our country, which has substantial problems of its own, is spending so much money abroad. People may say that our problems pale in comparison to those of 3rd world nations but that really is not my concern. For example, if that money was pumped into researching diseases then potentially millions of lives would be saved over years to come whereas relatively small amounts of money dumped into a 3rd world community on a yearly basis is unlikely to make a lasting impact. Indeed, if the impact was lasting, it wouldn't have to be a yearly ordeal. Give it 5 years and the buildings bought with UK money will be dated and in need of further funds for repair and renewal.

We are never going to make a difference to 3rd World communities by throwing bits of money into the quagmire that is poverty. Celebrities like Bono who parade around these cesspits trying to 'relate to' and 'understand' the people of these nations certainly won't make a difference either.

Bono. Bow down to his superior understanding of 'poor people'.

Just imagine, you've just got in from a hard day sifting through surgical waste for cans, your legs hurt, your shack is leaking. You need a drink so you take a ten mile round walk to a tap only to discover that the water tastes suspiciously like turd. Then, you return to your shack to find some smug, rich, Irish rock star in front of a camera, crying, saying how horrible the area is and how underprivileged you are. I'd be more than a little pissed off wouldn't you? The man comes into your village, parades his wealth around and then tell the world how shit your house is. It's not exactly MTV's 'Cribs' is it?

"Hi there. Welcome to my crib. Here is my bug ridden mattress that gives me sores. These are my malaria suppositories ... that's right, these fist sized things go up my arse. Oh, and over here is the bucket I shit in. Thank you for visiting my crib."

The bottom line is we will never really understand what those people are going through and until we have the organisation and money to make a lasting difference we aren't going to be able to change anything. Would it be so wrong to spend that money fixing the UK? I don't think it would be.

But if I see Bono anywhere near my house I'll go third world on the prick.

The Worst 'C' Word of Them All

No, it's not cunt.

Nowadays, there's one word we hear all the time, every day, on TV adverts, in our work places and on the news. The word has become twisted and its morphed into a word I hate more than any other. What is the word? What is this terrible, terrible string of letters?

Compensation.

I know, it's not got the same impact as cunt but for me I would much prefer for someone to call me a cunt than to mention compensation in my presence. I will start by saying that I have, in the past, had compensation when I was involved in a motorcycle accident so this probably makes me a complete hypocrite. I will however explain the difference in that 'compensation' and c*mpensation.

At the start of 2007 I had the misfortune of being knocked off my motorcycle by a careless old man. I don't have any ill feelings towards him because it was an accident, exaggerated by the fact that he was really quite old.Plus I made it away alive. He was also very courteous after the accident and admitted his error; something which most modern business types would not dream of doing in a million years. When I was knocked off my bike I damaged my right shoulder and this still occasionally gives my jip. In addition to this, my bike was quite damaged. So, I was 'compensated' by his insurance covering the cost of repairs and 'compensated' by having a payout to cover the damaged jacket, helmet and my shoulder.

This form of compensation comes from the insurance company who will only cover the cost of things that have been damaged and injuries that have a lasting effect. My shoulder does occasionally hurt and may cause problems in later life but its nothing I can't cope with and I got about £3000 for that part of the claim. The reason I don't think I'm a hypocrite is because this cost is not based on any bullshit personal stress or anything, just the cost of the potential surgery I may have to endure in the future to correct it. So, really, I am no better off than I was before the accident. We are even. I am compensated.

What I hate is when people claim c*mpensation for things that have caused nothing but a mild inconvenience to them or when they claim for their precious time which they would've spent complaining anyway. That's the sad truth: there are people out there who actually enjoy complaining. Anotherthin that ticks me off is when people request c*mpensation for their own idiocy. It was an idea that began in America when fat people started to sue McDonald's and it's culminated in people over here suing for everything from slipping on a grape to walking into walls and falling down manholes.

Peter Griffin from Family Guy demonstrates a way of getting more compensation.

It occurred to me the other day how much these things are affecting society. Just walking down the street made me realise how we now have to have signs warning about every potential hazard that our own self preservation impulse should protect against. If someone needs a sign to tell them to duck or to step down or to not cross a street or to not walk into something then they shouldn't be alive. I hate to sound like Hitler but it's contaminating the genepool. Idiots -- during prehistoric times -- would not have survived and as a result their idiocy wouldn't have been passed onto future generations. Unfortunately we can no longer seperate the wheat from the chaff.

The three things I saw that made me realise how stupid society has become were:

1. Foam around scaffolding. With all probability this means that at some point some stupid bastard has walked into the metal strutts. Instead of walking off in shame, they must have tried to sue over their idiocy. This is only a recent thing.
   
2. A sign saying 'low ceiling'. We see these all the time. Presumably a tall person has completely ignored their eyes and walked face first into the ceiling when descending stairs. Fool.
   
3. My inability to purchase toy guns. I know this seems silly, but I trekked around town for two hours trying to find a shop that sells toy guns for a halloween costume. Fucking impossible. When I finally found somewhere that sold them, they were bright green with a big red bell end on the tip of them, as if the green wasn't enough to prove that they weren't real guns.

The last was particularly upsetting because it made me feel sorry for modern kids. When I was younger I used to play army, with realistic cap guns (some were even metal), smoke grenades and -- admittedly a bit silly --  home-made rocket launchers made of drainpipes which fired fireworks. But, if my crotch had been fireworked or if my capgun had exploded in my face I wouldn't have dreamed of suing anyone. Nowerdays kids can't play army unless they want to go out and purchase a Fisher Price Happy Bubble Gun or a Barbie Confetti Launcher. And we wonder why most kids nowerdays just do smack and beat up old people.

This is not my proudest admission, but when I was 10 years old I owned a helecopter toy that launched from a plastic helipad when you pulled a cord. I was stupid enough to want an overhead view and the plastic helecopter flew straight into my right eye. I had to endure the embarrassment of sitting in an eye clinic and having my name read out followed by my condition: "A helecopter flew in his eye."

The nurse then said with deplorable expectancy, "Oh, I hope it wasn't a real helecopter." Her wit was unbelievable and the laugh she got from the rest of the patients probably made her day. If I wasn't 10 I would've said, "It felt fucking real to me. I didn't ask for Krusty the Clown to see to me so get me a real nurse or shut the fuck up."

So, I ended up with a patch on my eye for a month (this was before Johnny Depp murdered our perception of pirates and made everyone think they were cool) so I looked like a tit. The comments, "Where's your parrot Blackbeard" still live with me to this day... but did I sue? Did I claim c*mpensation? No! I learned some valuable lessons:

• Don't get an overhead view of any helecopter taking off, even a toy one.
  
• If you're going to make a 10 year old feel better don't do it by making him feel like a tit and look like a tit.
• Pirates are not cool and despite what Deadliest Warrior says, a knight would kick a pirates scurvy-ridden effeminate arse*
• Always remember the person that called you Blackbeard and make sure you remind everyone of the time he went through a whole swimming lesson with a bollock sticking out the side of his swimming trunks.

My point is valid. I work in customer care (well, complaints) and I have to deal with the 'c' word every single day from many people who do not have any reason to make such a request. If you humour these people and give in to their demands you are effectively helping to contaminate the human race. Resolve the issue and offer a gesture for the problem, yes, but negotiating some ridiculous demand? Not a chance. I'm doing the world a favour.

As a final note, if you are one of these people who likes to complain or complains to get all you can and think there is nothing wrong with this, I ask you one thing:

When you're screaming and shouting down the phone at someone, demanding something you don't deserve for something that was in all probability your fault, what about the poor bastard listening to you? You may say it's their job to be treated like shit, but it's not. They're there to help, to fix the issue but not to fill your wallet.

And you're not going to get c*mpensation by acting like a cunt.






--DEADLIEST WARRIOR SPOILER--

* I mention the pirate vs. knight episode because I am a fan of the TV show. It is ridiculous in many ways, but its fun and seems to be suprisingly accurate. However the episode where a pirate beats a knight should be petitioned against and removed from TV.