The Worst 'C' Word of Them All

No, it's not cunt.

Nowadays, there's one word we hear all the time, every day, on TV adverts, in our work places and on the news. The word has become twisted and its morphed into a word I hate more than any other. What is the word? What is this terrible, terrible string of letters?

Compensation.

I know, it's not got the same impact as cunt but for me I would much prefer for someone to call me a cunt than to mention compensation in my presence. I will start by saying that I have, in the past, had compensation when I was involved in a motorcycle accident so this probably makes me a complete hypocrite. I will however explain the difference in that 'compensation' and c*mpensation.

At the start of 2007 I had the misfortune of being knocked off my motorcycle by a careless old man. I don't have any ill feelings towards him because it was an accident, exaggerated by the fact that he was really quite old.Plus I made it away alive. He was also very courteous after the accident and admitted his error; something which most modern business types would not dream of doing in a million years. When I was knocked off my bike I damaged my right shoulder and this still occasionally gives my jip. In addition to this, my bike was quite damaged. So, I was 'compensated' by his insurance covering the cost of repairs and 'compensated' by having a payout to cover the damaged jacket, helmet and my shoulder.

This form of compensation comes from the insurance company who will only cover the cost of things that have been damaged and injuries that have a lasting effect. My shoulder does occasionally hurt and may cause problems in later life but its nothing I can't cope with and I got about £3000 for that part of the claim. The reason I don't think I'm a hypocrite is because this cost is not based on any bullshit personal stress or anything, just the cost of the potential surgery I may have to endure in the future to correct it. So, really, I am no better off than I was before the accident. We are even. I am compensated.

What I hate is when people claim c*mpensation for things that have caused nothing but a mild inconvenience to them or when they claim for their precious time which they would've spent complaining anyway. That's the sad truth: there are people out there who actually enjoy complaining. Anotherthin that ticks me off is when people request c*mpensation for their own idiocy. It was an idea that began in America when fat people started to sue McDonald's and it's culminated in people over here suing for everything from slipping on a grape to walking into walls and falling down manholes.

Peter Griffin from Family Guy demonstrates a way of getting more compensation.

It occurred to me the other day how much these things are affecting society. Just walking down the street made me realise how we now have to have signs warning about every potential hazard that our own self preservation impulse should protect against. If someone needs a sign to tell them to duck or to step down or to not cross a street or to not walk into something then they shouldn't be alive. I hate to sound like Hitler but it's contaminating the genepool. Idiots -- during prehistoric times -- would not have survived and as a result their idiocy wouldn't have been passed onto future generations. Unfortunately we can no longer seperate the wheat from the chaff.

The three things I saw that made me realise how stupid society has become were:

1. Foam around scaffolding. With all probability this means that at some point some stupid bastard has walked into the metal strutts. Instead of walking off in shame, they must have tried to sue over their idiocy. This is only a recent thing.
   
2. A sign saying 'low ceiling'. We see these all the time. Presumably a tall person has completely ignored their eyes and walked face first into the ceiling when descending stairs. Fool.
   
3. My inability to purchase toy guns. I know this seems silly, but I trekked around town for two hours trying to find a shop that sells toy guns for a halloween costume. Fucking impossible. When I finally found somewhere that sold them, they were bright green with a big red bell end on the tip of them, as if the green wasn't enough to prove that they weren't real guns.

The last was particularly upsetting because it made me feel sorry for modern kids. When I was younger I used to play army, with realistic cap guns (some were even metal), smoke grenades and -- admittedly a bit silly --  home-made rocket launchers made of drainpipes which fired fireworks. But, if my crotch had been fireworked or if my capgun had exploded in my face I wouldn't have dreamed of suing anyone. Nowerdays kids can't play army unless they want to go out and purchase a Fisher Price Happy Bubble Gun or a Barbie Confetti Launcher. And we wonder why most kids nowerdays just do smack and beat up old people.

This is not my proudest admission, but when I was 10 years old I owned a helecopter toy that launched from a plastic helipad when you pulled a cord. I was stupid enough to want an overhead view and the plastic helecopter flew straight into my right eye. I had to endure the embarrassment of sitting in an eye clinic and having my name read out followed by my condition: "A helecopter flew in his eye."

The nurse then said with deplorable expectancy, "Oh, I hope it wasn't a real helecopter." Her wit was unbelievable and the laugh she got from the rest of the patients probably made her day. If I wasn't 10 I would've said, "It felt fucking real to me. I didn't ask for Krusty the Clown to see to me so get me a real nurse or shut the fuck up."

So, I ended up with a patch on my eye for a month (this was before Johnny Depp murdered our perception of pirates and made everyone think they were cool) so I looked like a tit. The comments, "Where's your parrot Blackbeard" still live with me to this day... but did I sue? Did I claim c*mpensation? No! I learned some valuable lessons:

• Don't get an overhead view of any helecopter taking off, even a toy one.
  
• If you're going to make a 10 year old feel better don't do it by making him feel like a tit and look like a tit.
• Pirates are not cool and despite what Deadliest Warrior says, a knight would kick a pirates scurvy-ridden effeminate arse*
• Always remember the person that called you Blackbeard and make sure you remind everyone of the time he went through a whole swimming lesson with a bollock sticking out the side of his swimming trunks.

My point is valid. I work in customer care (well, complaints) and I have to deal with the 'c' word every single day from many people who do not have any reason to make such a request. If you humour these people and give in to their demands you are effectively helping to contaminate the human race. Resolve the issue and offer a gesture for the problem, yes, but negotiating some ridiculous demand? Not a chance. I'm doing the world a favour.

As a final note, if you are one of these people who likes to complain or complains to get all you can and think there is nothing wrong with this, I ask you one thing:

When you're screaming and shouting down the phone at someone, demanding something you don't deserve for something that was in all probability your fault, what about the poor bastard listening to you? You may say it's their job to be treated like shit, but it's not. They're there to help, to fix the issue but not to fill your wallet.

And you're not going to get c*mpensation by acting like a cunt.






--DEADLIEST WARRIOR SPOILER--

* I mention the pirate vs. knight episode because I am a fan of the TV show. It is ridiculous in many ways, but its fun and seems to be suprisingly accurate. However the episode where a pirate beats a knight should be petitioned against and removed from TV.