Why 'Prometheus' Made NO SENSE (to me)

Firstly, I have to say that if you have not seen Prometheus then this article will be one big SPOILER. Though, I can't say that this will spoil the film more than actually watching it. If you haven't seen Prometheus but aren't planning to do so go and have a look at the Prometheus Wikipedia page so what I'm about to say makes sense.

Earlier this month, a long anticipated 'prequel' to the immensely popular Alien franchise was released. Prometheus promised to start a brand new story arc based in the same universe as Alien and set prior to the events of the first Alien film. There was a pretty decent viral advertising campaign and tantalising glimpses that indicated the very origin of the xenomorphs was going to be revealed. I have to state now that although it was made clear from the beginning that Ridley Scott did not wish to ride the wave of success of the first Alien film, there was hope and indications that there were going to be 'hints' of xenomorphs in the movie.

I went to see the movie when it was released and did so with an open mind. I made sure I did not watch any of the Alien films in the months leading up to the film being released because I knew that it was entirely possible this would be a something new. Needless to say, I saw the film and as you've probably guessed by the tone of this post, I hated it.

Prometheus was supposed to be a new story arc and I was ready for this. But this is where my first gripe comes in. Ridley Scott indicated that this would be a new story and that there would potentially only be as subtle taste of xenomorphs in the film. Indeed, this is what many of the movie magazines had us believing so if it was not Ridley who explicitly stated this, then I guess I should apologise now. But anyway, I felt as though I was promised one of two things. Either:

1) A brand new film with brand new characters and new protagonists (but set in the Alien) universe


OR


2) A direct prequel to Alien with the xenomorph origin being fully explained, or at least explained to a point that would mean another film would not have to be made in order to provide closure.

Prometheus was neither of these. It felt as though the film started with the intention of it being something completely new and then, as it progressed, the design team and director thought, "Ok, we'll have a reference to Alien here. Oh, and here... and here... and in that room later on." until finally he gave up and closed the film with the birth of something which is clearly an early version of the xenomorph (something which has been dubbed the 'proto-alien' online).

 In other words, this ugly mofo.

So, this wasn't a new film, it was clearly riding the wave of success of Alien. That's fine with me, but if that's the case then did we get closure?... No. In fact, not only did we not get closure, but we got a whole host of unanswered questions which will only be answered if Mr. Scott decides to do another film.

Now don't get me wrong, I know there are a whole troop of people who loved Prometheus and are defending it admirably online. I tip my hat to you good people and this blog is not an attempt to make you hate it; it is simply a rant about why I don't like the film.

The problem with Prometheus is that it linked too heavily with the Alien franchise and the explanation it offered for this link was poor. The people defending the film online have managed to explain the movie far better than it did itself but they have only done this after watching the film multiple times and scrutinising every interview with the directors and cast. Hell, some people appear to have done research into ancient stories and legends to formulate a reason as to why the movie is clever. I don't care if its clever, or if it has multiple mythological and metaphorical references. A film that does not clearly explain itself and requires its fan base to do research in order to understand it is, in my opinion, shit.

Just so you know, these explanations don't seem to answer everything and seem to range from things like 'Space Jesus' to 'mankind being an experiment' and they suggest that 'mankinds destructive nature perverts the true function of the black goo' seen in the film. This 'perversion' of the goo is apparently why the xenomorphs (and the other 'aliens' in the film) came to be. That, for me, is the wankiest origin story to one of my favourite sci-fi monsters. It also doesn't really fit into a sci-fi film.

All hail the black goo.

I understand that not all science fiction can be explained easily by modern science but it seems highly unlikely (some biologists say 'impossible') that black goo could manipulate and mutate something in such a short space of time. But lets ignore that niggle for now.

So, the aliens were either a perversion of this goo or -- as I like to think -- an ultimate 'planet clearing' weapon. I do like the idea that mankind was created with the intention of us being the first test of what the xenomorphs could do to a planets population and I like the idea of the xenomorphs being created as a weapon. But, this then brings up my primary gripe with this film.

How the hell were the 'Engineers' (or 'Space Jockeys') even aware of the xenomorphs, or the potential for them to be created? When the science team enter the alien 'structure' we see numerous motifs and symbols on the walls.

 Such as this one (click to enlarge)...

One of these clearly depicts a very xenomorph-like creature which hints quite heavily that the Engineers had seen these beings before. But how? How can they have seen one when it would appear that the only way to create a xenomorph is for the following to happen:

1) Black goo activates in human presence. Black goo infects human.
2) Human mates with other human.
3) Other human has 'squid baby' (or as some people are calling it, the 'proto-facehugger').
4) Squid baby impregnates an Engineer in order for it to create a proto-alien.

That seems an awfully random and entirely unpredictable string of events that need to happen in order for a xenomorph to be born. When would the Engineers have had access to humans and been in a position to get them to ingest goo, then mate? It doesn't make sense.

Now, I am aware that this is possibly going to be a question that is answered in the next film, if it is ever made, but I feel cheated that I have to wait years just for this movie to make sense. I also feel annoyed because I doubt it will be answered and I can't help but think that the Prometheus writers are just scouring the Internet for the reaction of their fans so they can then explain the movie using the random theories that have accumulated since the film's release. I genuinely feel that they do not know what the next film will be about, or include, and they are waiting for the fans to explain and decide for them.

Another popular gripe is the simple fact that the scientists were quite shit. Really, they did not have a clue what they were doing and there was little explanation as to how they had come to accept a job travelling across space without any indication of what the mission was. This could all be down to poor planning by the company that hired them, but in the film the scientists themselves went around touching artifacts, taking their helmets off, grabbing things and then getting lost and killed. Hell, there are running jokes online about how it doesn't even occur to one of them to run sideways when they are about to be crushed by a huge, rolling spaceship. Then, when they are first confronted by an alien (which looks suspiciously like a penis cobra), rather than keeping a healthy distance and recording it, they try to pet it like a dog... What the actual fuck???

Isn't he cute? I'm going to call him 'Biter'.

So, all in all, my gripes are that the film did not fit into the Alien franchise, nor was it something different. The origin story doesn't make sense, the plot was not entirely believable and I didn't feel that the people on screen were scientists. So, was there anything I liked about the film?

Not really. I really wanted to love the film and I thought it was visually awesome. The sets were created well and Ridley Scott perfectly captured the feel and the technology of the Alien universe but this was overshadowed by the poor plot. I thought Michael Fassbender was awesome as the android David but David's actions were predictable and his character had been 'done' before in other Alien films.

Prometheus was not a very good standalone film and I'm sorry to say that it totally confused the Alien canon for me. A true shame, but there it is. Rant over.

The Worst 'C' Word of Them All

No, it's not cunt.

Nowadays, there's one word we hear all the time, every day, on TV adverts, in our work places and on the news. The word has become twisted and its morphed into a word I hate more than any other. What is the word? What is this terrible, terrible string of letters?

Compensation.

I know, it's not got the same impact as cunt but for me I would much prefer for someone to call me a cunt than to mention compensation in my presence. I will start by saying that I have, in the past, had compensation when I was involved in a motorcycle accident so this probably makes me a complete hypocrite. I will however explain the difference in that 'compensation' and c*mpensation.

At the start of 2007 I had the misfortune of being knocked off my motorcycle by a careless old man. I don't have any ill feelings towards him because it was an accident, exaggerated by the fact that he was really quite old.Plus I made it away alive. He was also very courteous after the accident and admitted his error; something which most modern business types would not dream of doing in a million years. When I was knocked off my bike I damaged my right shoulder and this still occasionally gives my jip. In addition to this, my bike was quite damaged. So, I was 'compensated' by his insurance covering the cost of repairs and 'compensated' by having a payout to cover the damaged jacket, helmet and my shoulder.

This form of compensation comes from the insurance company who will only cover the cost of things that have been damaged and injuries that have a lasting effect. My shoulder does occasionally hurt and may cause problems in later life but its nothing I can't cope with and I got about £3000 for that part of the claim. The reason I don't think I'm a hypocrite is because this cost is not based on any bullshit personal stress or anything, just the cost of the potential surgery I may have to endure in the future to correct it. So, really, I am no better off than I was before the accident. We are even. I am compensated.

What I hate is when people claim c*mpensation for things that have caused nothing but a mild inconvenience to them or when they claim for their precious time which they would've spent complaining anyway. That's the sad truth: there are people out there who actually enjoy complaining. Anotherthin that ticks me off is when people request c*mpensation for their own idiocy. It was an idea that began in America when fat people started to sue McDonald's and it's culminated in people over here suing for everything from slipping on a grape to walking into walls and falling down manholes.

Peter Griffin from Family Guy demonstrates a way of getting more compensation.

It occurred to me the other day how much these things are affecting society. Just walking down the street made me realise how we now have to have signs warning about every potential hazard that our own self preservation impulse should protect against. If someone needs a sign to tell them to duck or to step down or to not cross a street or to not walk into something then they shouldn't be alive. I hate to sound like Hitler but it's contaminating the genepool. Idiots -- during prehistoric times -- would not have survived and as a result their idiocy wouldn't have been passed onto future generations. Unfortunately we can no longer seperate the wheat from the chaff.

The three things I saw that made me realise how stupid society has become were:

1. Foam around scaffolding. With all probability this means that at some point some stupid bastard has walked into the metal strutts. Instead of walking off in shame, they must have tried to sue over their idiocy. This is only a recent thing.
   
2. A sign saying 'low ceiling'. We see these all the time. Presumably a tall person has completely ignored their eyes and walked face first into the ceiling when descending stairs. Fool.
   
3. My inability to purchase toy guns. I know this seems silly, but I trekked around town for two hours trying to find a shop that sells toy guns for a halloween costume. Fucking impossible. When I finally found somewhere that sold them, they were bright green with a big red bell end on the tip of them, as if the green wasn't enough to prove that they weren't real guns.

The last was particularly upsetting because it made me feel sorry for modern kids. When I was younger I used to play army, with realistic cap guns (some were even metal), smoke grenades and -- admittedly a bit silly --  home-made rocket launchers made of drainpipes which fired fireworks. But, if my crotch had been fireworked or if my capgun had exploded in my face I wouldn't have dreamed of suing anyone. Nowerdays kids can't play army unless they want to go out and purchase a Fisher Price Happy Bubble Gun or a Barbie Confetti Launcher. And we wonder why most kids nowerdays just do smack and beat up old people.

This is not my proudest admission, but when I was 10 years old I owned a helecopter toy that launched from a plastic helipad when you pulled a cord. I was stupid enough to want an overhead view and the plastic helecopter flew straight into my right eye. I had to endure the embarrassment of sitting in an eye clinic and having my name read out followed by my condition: "A helecopter flew in his eye."

The nurse then said with deplorable expectancy, "Oh, I hope it wasn't a real helecopter." Her wit was unbelievable and the laugh she got from the rest of the patients probably made her day. If I wasn't 10 I would've said, "It felt fucking real to me. I didn't ask for Krusty the Clown to see to me so get me a real nurse or shut the fuck up."

So, I ended up with a patch on my eye for a month (this was before Johnny Depp murdered our perception of pirates and made everyone think they were cool) so I looked like a tit. The comments, "Where's your parrot Blackbeard" still live with me to this day... but did I sue? Did I claim c*mpensation? No! I learned some valuable lessons:

• Don't get an overhead view of any helecopter taking off, even a toy one.
  
• If you're going to make a 10 year old feel better don't do it by making him feel like a tit and look like a tit.
• Pirates are not cool and despite what Deadliest Warrior says, a knight would kick a pirates scurvy-ridden effeminate arse*
• Always remember the person that called you Blackbeard and make sure you remind everyone of the time he went through a whole swimming lesson with a bollock sticking out the side of his swimming trunks.

My point is valid. I work in customer care (well, complaints) and I have to deal with the 'c' word every single day from many people who do not have any reason to make such a request. If you humour these people and give in to their demands you are effectively helping to contaminate the human race. Resolve the issue and offer a gesture for the problem, yes, but negotiating some ridiculous demand? Not a chance. I'm doing the world a favour.

As a final note, if you are one of these people who likes to complain or complains to get all you can and think there is nothing wrong with this, I ask you one thing:

When you're screaming and shouting down the phone at someone, demanding something you don't deserve for something that was in all probability your fault, what about the poor bastard listening to you? You may say it's their job to be treated like shit, but it's not. They're there to help, to fix the issue but not to fill your wallet.

And you're not going to get c*mpensation by acting like a cunt.






--DEADLIEST WARRIOR SPOILER--

* I mention the pirate vs. knight episode because I am a fan of the TV show. It is ridiculous in many ways, but its fun and seems to be suprisingly accurate. However the episode where a pirate beats a knight should be petitioned against and removed from TV.