Why the 'Golden Age of the Internet' Has Already Passed...

I write this post in frustration.

I see adverts on TV telling me how awesome the next generation of Internet browsers will be and online its easy to find sites where you can legally watch and download TV shows, movies and music. Finally, you have the wonders of Steam and Origin that let you download and play games without having to go through all that trouble of leaving your house. To someone who is new to the Internet it seems like a wonderful, fun filled place.

Except its not.

I'm not going to pretend things were better when you had to 'dial up' to get access to the Internet; obviously it has come forward leaps and bounds since then. But what I am going to say is that the Internet was an awesome place only 5 or so years ago. Why? Well, I'll tell you:

1) Games Didn't Rely On the Internet (as much)

This seems like a strange one. Online gaming was just as popular a few years ago as it is now and if you bought a game, chances are it still needed to connect to the Internet to activate. So what has changed?

Well, now it is very easy and appealing to buy a game online because you can just click on a 'Download' button, pay for the game and have it downloading straight away. At first glance, this appears to be far quicker. I can tell you, it most definitely is not.

Whereas before you could just download the game from the CD and then activate it (which took a maximum of 15-20 minutes) now you have to do one of the following:

- Download Steam or Origin (10-30 minutes)
- Download the game (Steam seems to take anywhere between 24 to 48 hours to do this, Origin takes about 6-12 hours)
- Activate it
- Update it (anywhere between 30 mins to 12 hours)

Or, if you have bought the game:

- Upload the game from the CD (15-30 mins)
- Download Origin or Steam (10-30 minutes)
- Activate the game
- Update the game (30 mins to 12 hours)

Now, I know some people have super-fast Internet that may reduce these times, but I have a good, standard Internet connection and these are the speeds I look at. You see, its got less to do with the speed of your Internet and more to do with the servers available to you. In the UK, we have only a couple to choose from, and all of them are painfully slow.

Not only this, but in order to get these games in the first place, you have to sign up to any number of services and clients in order to get the damn things in the first place. Each game company seems to have a preferred client and each one requires a number of personal details before you can use the service.

But the altogether worst thing about these clients that allow you to download games is that they're putting game shops out of business. As such, it is not as easy as it once was to go out and buy the CD, you now either have to order the game from Amazon or Play.com (and wait for it to be delivered) or download it. It's hard to judge which option is quicker.

It is important to note that I recognise that some games are simply too large to fit onto a CD and that is why we download them online. But why, oh why, do the companies providing these games not improve their server speeds to accommodate for this?

This game now takes 2 days to download. Fact.

This leads me onto the next problem:

2) We Don't Actually Own Anything Anymore

Here is my second gripe. You spend half your life downloading the game or movie or music and then its available to you. There's a problem with this though. You may have paid a lot of money for these services but they don't actually belong to you. Many of these sites have terms and conditions that basically tell you that you don't own the products and that the service can be revoked at any time. In turn, even if you do own the product, if that company goes bust and their servers go down then you can no longer play the game.

For music, iTunes pesters you every time you switch computers (often telling you that you have a limited number of computers you're allowed to authorise) and despite paying for the music, you can't give it to other people to listen to.

In the gaming world, if you switch to a new PC then you will have to go through the ridiculous download times all over again. Oh, and if you own the CD, you have to find ways to 'trick' your computer in order to download from the CD and not from the painfully slow gaming servers that are set as a default download. Bear in mind too, that each time you're downloading for these ridiculous time periods, you will barely be able to use your Internet for anything else.

I still have games from pre-2000 that I play on a regular basis and I have to thank my lucky stars that these were produced before the Internet really took off or I would not be able to even access them now. Truly depressing.

In some ways, it is worse with movies. You download them and you 'rent' them for a period of time and then they are taken off you. Often, finding a site that even allows you to properly download a full film is difficult (and companies often try to trick you into downloading something that is not the actual film) and as a result, piracy has become a serious problem... because the simple fact is it is far easier and quicker to illegally download a film than it is to buy the damn thing.

In real life 'The Matrix' would have terrible lag. Everything would be bullet-time

3) You Better Have a Big Hard Drive

Gaming is always likely to take lots of space, though having an option to run smaller games from CD would be nice, however for things like music and films, you don't have any choice but to fill your hard drive with some of these massive files. If you try to move them to CD, the format won't be recognised or won't play. It is a massive pain in the dick to even get your music back onto iTunes in the event that your computer goes down. The only way to do it without causing a migraine is to move the music from a folder in your iPod and fiddling around with a number of settings before the computer can import it into your iTunes library.

Like I said, a pain in the dick.

4) Companies Own EVERYTHING

I remember a time when Youtube videos streamed within seconds. Now, they've improved the quality of them, but as a result you have to wait a seemingly ridiculous length of time to actually watch the full video. This can mean you have to watch the video in 'bits' whilst the damn thing buffers. It actually reminds me of how things used to be with dial-up Internet.

Of course, this loading time is assuming that you haven't already had to sit through an advertisement for something completely unrelated to your video. The least they could do is develop a way for the video to buffer whilst they are forcing you to watch their tripe. I hate the fact that advertisements load 10 times quicker than my actual video, regardless of the length.

The other problems with companies owning everything is that you're spied on all the time. I've been on forums before and had some random advertisement pop up telling me that I can meet some beautiful girl in my local area. It then shows some tanned, blonde girl sitting in front of a palm tree with the announcement "Hi, I'm Chelsea, 23 from Stoke-on-Trent."

Bullshit. Show me a fat tart stuffing her face with oatcakes and I'll believe you.

I remember the days when the worst advertisements were pop ups. Nowadays, you have all manner of crap to sift through when you're surfing the net. You have the aforementioned ones that spy on you, you have the ones that pretend to be something they're not (Click here to download!) and you have the ones that try to get you to fill in surveys or that fill your screen and make you wait 10 seconds before bypassing them.

I hate advertisements and a few years ago, there was a lot less of them.

Ahh, the good old days.

5) Everything is Blocked

A few years ago, the Internet was a lawless place. This was not always a good thing, but in a weird way, it kind of governed itself. Many people who downloaded illegally did so out of desperation and some would only download to 'taste' the product before going out and spending hard cash on it.

In fairness, downloading illegally did do good things for the entertainment industry as it forced the greedy companies to reduce their prices to a more realistic level. Prior to online downloads, I remember CD's going on sale for between £15 and £30. A ridiculous amount of money for 12 songs, and hardly any of that profit went to the artists. Now, thanks to illegal downloads, you can pick up music CD's relatively cheaply.

Obviously, this 'lawlessness' had to come to an end and whilst some of it had to happen to adhere to the law, much of it is just taking things too far. Multiple download sites have been shut down due to 'copyright infringement' making it ridiculously hard to get even legitimate downloads of obscure TV shows or films. In turn, sites like Youtube blocked any videos that were deemed to breach copyright or any number of other random laws.

The worst thing about this is that in blocking the most well-known sources of entertainment, they are simply driving people to go to the truly dodgy sites that operate with absolutely no regard for the law. It seems far easier to block something than it is to create a new service to fill the much-needed void. It is also hard to see where this will end, with sites like Wikipedia being called into question due to the way their information is displayed and linked to other sites.

I genuinely believe that the golden age of the Internet has passed. Soon, we will be looking at a strictly-enforced place which kills high street stores, is painfully slow, is in your face and is strictly monitored to prevent you from getting anything for free. Indeed, I believe that everything which makes the Internet great may soon be in jeopardy.

... And this fucking game is still only at 89% after almost 30 hours of downloading.

Why 'Prometheus' Made NO SENSE (to me)

Firstly, I have to say that if you have not seen Prometheus then this article will be one big SPOILER. Though, I can't say that this will spoil the film more than actually watching it. If you haven't seen Prometheus but aren't planning to do so go and have a look at the Prometheus Wikipedia page so what I'm about to say makes sense.

Earlier this month, a long anticipated 'prequel' to the immensely popular Alien franchise was released. Prometheus promised to start a brand new story arc based in the same universe as Alien and set prior to the events of the first Alien film. There was a pretty decent viral advertising campaign and tantalising glimpses that indicated the very origin of the xenomorphs was going to be revealed. I have to state now that although it was made clear from the beginning that Ridley Scott did not wish to ride the wave of success of the first Alien film, there was hope and indications that there were going to be 'hints' of xenomorphs in the movie.

I went to see the movie when it was released and did so with an open mind. I made sure I did not watch any of the Alien films in the months leading up to the film being released because I knew that it was entirely possible this would be a something new. Needless to say, I saw the film and as you've probably guessed by the tone of this post, I hated it.

Prometheus was supposed to be a new story arc and I was ready for this. But this is where my first gripe comes in. Ridley Scott indicated that this would be a new story and that there would potentially only be as subtle taste of xenomorphs in the film. Indeed, this is what many of the movie magazines had us believing so if it was not Ridley who explicitly stated this, then I guess I should apologise now. But anyway, I felt as though I was promised one of two things. Either:

1) A brand new film with brand new characters and new protagonists (but set in the Alien) universe


OR


2) A direct prequel to Alien with the xenomorph origin being fully explained, or at least explained to a point that would mean another film would not have to be made in order to provide closure.

Prometheus was neither of these. It felt as though the film started with the intention of it being something completely new and then, as it progressed, the design team and director thought, "Ok, we'll have a reference to Alien here. Oh, and here... and here... and in that room later on." until finally he gave up and closed the film with the birth of something which is clearly an early version of the xenomorph (something which has been dubbed the 'proto-alien' online).

 In other words, this ugly mofo.

So, this wasn't a new film, it was clearly riding the wave of success of Alien. That's fine with me, but if that's the case then did we get closure?... No. In fact, not only did we not get closure, but we got a whole host of unanswered questions which will only be answered if Mr. Scott decides to do another film.

Now don't get me wrong, I know there are a whole troop of people who loved Prometheus and are defending it admirably online. I tip my hat to you good people and this blog is not an attempt to make you hate it; it is simply a rant about why I don't like the film.

The problem with Prometheus is that it linked too heavily with the Alien franchise and the explanation it offered for this link was poor. The people defending the film online have managed to explain the movie far better than it did itself but they have only done this after watching the film multiple times and scrutinising every interview with the directors and cast. Hell, some people appear to have done research into ancient stories and legends to formulate a reason as to why the movie is clever. I don't care if its clever, or if it has multiple mythological and metaphorical references. A film that does not clearly explain itself and requires its fan base to do research in order to understand it is, in my opinion, shit.

Just so you know, these explanations don't seem to answer everything and seem to range from things like 'Space Jesus' to 'mankind being an experiment' and they suggest that 'mankinds destructive nature perverts the true function of the black goo' seen in the film. This 'perversion' of the goo is apparently why the xenomorphs (and the other 'aliens' in the film) came to be. That, for me, is the wankiest origin story to one of my favourite sci-fi monsters. It also doesn't really fit into a sci-fi film.

All hail the black goo.

I understand that not all science fiction can be explained easily by modern science but it seems highly unlikely (some biologists say 'impossible') that black goo could manipulate and mutate something in such a short space of time. But lets ignore that niggle for now.

So, the aliens were either a perversion of this goo or -- as I like to think -- an ultimate 'planet clearing' weapon. I do like the idea that mankind was created with the intention of us being the first test of what the xenomorphs could do to a planets population and I like the idea of the xenomorphs being created as a weapon. But, this then brings up my primary gripe with this film.

How the hell were the 'Engineers' (or 'Space Jockeys') even aware of the xenomorphs, or the potential for them to be created? When the science team enter the alien 'structure' we see numerous motifs and symbols on the walls.

 Such as this one (click to enlarge)...

One of these clearly depicts a very xenomorph-like creature which hints quite heavily that the Engineers had seen these beings before. But how? How can they have seen one when it would appear that the only way to create a xenomorph is for the following to happen:

1) Black goo activates in human presence. Black goo infects human.
2) Human mates with other human.
3) Other human has 'squid baby' (or as some people are calling it, the 'proto-facehugger').
4) Squid baby impregnates an Engineer in order for it to create a proto-alien.

That seems an awfully random and entirely unpredictable string of events that need to happen in order for a xenomorph to be born. When would the Engineers have had access to humans and been in a position to get them to ingest goo, then mate? It doesn't make sense.

Now, I am aware that this is possibly going to be a question that is answered in the next film, if it is ever made, but I feel cheated that I have to wait years just for this movie to make sense. I also feel annoyed because I doubt it will be answered and I can't help but think that the Prometheus writers are just scouring the Internet for the reaction of their fans so they can then explain the movie using the random theories that have accumulated since the film's release. I genuinely feel that they do not know what the next film will be about, or include, and they are waiting for the fans to explain and decide for them.

Another popular gripe is the simple fact that the scientists were quite shit. Really, they did not have a clue what they were doing and there was little explanation as to how they had come to accept a job travelling across space without any indication of what the mission was. This could all be down to poor planning by the company that hired them, but in the film the scientists themselves went around touching artifacts, taking their helmets off, grabbing things and then getting lost and killed. Hell, there are running jokes online about how it doesn't even occur to one of them to run sideways when they are about to be crushed by a huge, rolling spaceship. Then, when they are first confronted by an alien (which looks suspiciously like a penis cobra), rather than keeping a healthy distance and recording it, they try to pet it like a dog... What the actual fuck???

Isn't he cute? I'm going to call him 'Biter'.

So, all in all, my gripes are that the film did not fit into the Alien franchise, nor was it something different. The origin story doesn't make sense, the plot was not entirely believable and I didn't feel that the people on screen were scientists. So, was there anything I liked about the film?

Not really. I really wanted to love the film and I thought it was visually awesome. The sets were created well and Ridley Scott perfectly captured the feel and the technology of the Alien universe but this was overshadowed by the poor plot. I thought Michael Fassbender was awesome as the android David but David's actions were predictable and his character had been 'done' before in other Alien films.

Prometheus was not a very good standalone film and I'm sorry to say that it totally confused the Alien canon for me. A true shame, but there it is. Rant over.

Why it is Better, Down Where its Wetter...

As people may have guessed by my profile picture, I'm a qualified Scuba diver. I've got a bit of experience, although I don't dive as much as I would like and probably won't be diving for a month or two until Summer takes hold. But despite only managing to get a handful of dives in each year, I absolutely love it and constantly recommend it to the multitudes of people who are losing will to live (on land).
The problem with living on land is that there are people here. And people suck hairy man ass. That's not even me being emo, I think everyone must agree that life on solid ground can get too much at times and the best way to escape that and to enjoy true freedom is to get your feet off the ground. Sometimes that means getting them wet but incidentally, I'm told the same freedom is experienced by people who are qualified pilots.

I can't fly (yet) so I can only share my thoughts on the wetter option.

When you put your head under water, you can hear nothing and everything at once. The jabber of people is drowned out and replaced by the sounds of ocean life. Sound travels much further under water than it does on land and as a result, you hear noises you would never experience on the surface. Whilst diving in the Red Sea I heard dolphins squeaking and clicking. Whilst in South Africa I heard whales moaning. Whilst in the Maldives I heard triggerfish and parrotfish gnawing at the coral. It's a truly awesome audio experience...

... one that is slightly overrated by The Little Mermaid:

Too right Sebastian, I don't know why that ginger fish woman wants to come up here either...

But even without singing crustaceans you find yourself truly immersed and as a result, free. This freedom is enhanced by the fact that you are essentially weightless. I always say to people that being underwater is as close to being in space that any normal person can get and I stand by that. Indeed, NASA must feel there is something to that statement as all of their astronauts are trained underwater.

But beyond the weightlessness there is more. You not only feel like a spaceman, but you feel like a spaceman on another world. No, I've not just popped a shitload of pills either; it's a genuine stone-cold fact that we have explored a tiny percentage of the ocean and when you swim around a reef you can't help but feel a little bit alien.

 

Pictured: Weightlessness

 

 An alien world... with fish.

Unsurprisingly, one of the most common things people say when I suggest they dive is "but what about sharks?". Obviously, if we are talking about diving inland I assume they're retarded but when talking about the open ocean I would just say this: If you see a shark you should consider yourself one of the luckiest people on the planet. Viewing a shark is (in my opinion) seeing evolutionary perfection in motion. Sharks have remained largely unchanged for the past 350 million years and they are truly awesome animals. When they get close, you experience a very primal fear but strangely enough, all you want to do is get close to them.

I've swam with white tip, black tip and grey reef sharks in the Maldives, Hammerheads in the Red Sea and the awesome Great White in South Africa (I was in a cage, unfortunately). Each time, I just wanted to keep watching them for as long as possible and at no point did I seriously believe these animals wanted to harm me. Even the Great Whites struck me simply as curious leviathans that glided past for quick glances and I would've done anything to get out of that cage and swim with them (apparently I couldn't for insurance purposes... damned health and safety).

So, in short, sharks are exactly why you should want to dive.

A Hammerhead

The awesome Great White

To finish my soppy, shameless promotion of the hobby I love, I will finish by describing other moments that have stuck with me:

Turning around to see a 'flock' of eagle rays gliding by.

Being 'blown' around by a current and looking above to see a grey reef shark hanging perfectly still in the turbid waters, looking at me and clearly thinking: 'stupid human'.

Jumping from the back of a boat with negative buoyancy and dropping like a paratrooper into a current, then being carried around a scenic reef.

Waking a turtle from its slumber on a night dive.

Watching my movement light up the phytoplankton in the water on that same night dive (there is nothing equal to diving in bioluminescence!).

Discovering that lobsters have green 'eyes' that glow in the dark.

Watching Lionfish stalking in the darkness, using my torchlight as a guide to hunt... then feeling guilty because I would shine my torch on something, only to watch it get eaten.

Curious dolphins.

Wrasse cleaning their fins on the bubbles of other scuba divers.

Diving wrecks (see picture below). If a wreck were on land it would be a reconstruction, a museum that you could only look at. Underwater, a wreck is a place you can explore (leaving nothing but bubbles of course).

Seeing Tuna in something other than a tin... and realising that they are truly awesome fish.

Far better than a museum...

I really believe that everyone should try diving once. Even when you don't get to dive as much as you would hope (like me) then you find that remembering the freedom of diving is enough to get you through those difficult days.

 Don't worry if you can't swim either, because its far better to sink than float.


... and yes, all the pictures included on this blog are my own.

How to Survive Driving a Motorbike...

Once again, I've been fairly busy over the last couple of weeks what with a number of issues with my computer and the release of some fairly new games (what, I didn't say that I was busy with important things) so I've neglected this blog somewhat.

Incidentally, I thought I would put things in motion again by writing something useful for once. Something that people might actually use. So, I figured why not write about something close to my heart. Motorbikes.

Now, before any non-bikers groan and turn off, it is important to note that whilst I am fond of bikes, I know little to nothing about the internal workings of a bike. I know basic maintenance but aside from that, as mentioned before, I know nothing about fixing anything beyond a deflated tyre or new brake pad and I am utterly useless at describing the issues.

I never mentioned this before, but I ride a 1050cc 2010 Triumph Speed Triple. It's a relatively good bike if you're lucky enough to have few issues, but I'm not going to lie and say its perfect. It's a big baby and if, like me, you ride bikes all year round, it will sometimes subtly act up in a way which even Triumph can't seem to pinpoint, but when it does work it is fun. Also it's a beautiful bike, which is really its saving grace. Anyway, previous to this I have owned a Yamaha FZ6 600cc and a Yamaha Dragstar Classic 125cc. I've got around 8 years riding experience and aside from the three bikes mentioned above, I've driven countless others. So, why is this important?

Because, if you are one of the few people who are actually considering buying a bike that you expect to actually use, then I'm the kind of person you want to talk to. Not one of these weekend riders who have pristine bikes with less than 5,000 miles on the clock and abnormally shiny chains, but me. Someone who is not going to be a depressing statistic and stain on someones bonnet. Which is where I start off:

Driving a bike is dangerous if you are a dick:  

Yup, this one is self-explanatory. The one thing people will always tell you when you drive a bike (and they don't) is that "It's not the bike you have to watch out for, it's other road users." Now, this is true to an extent (as I shall explain shortly) but if some other road user is driving like an arse whilst you are driving carefully then you will be fine. You will have time to evade their arsey driving. If, however, you are driving like a dick then quite quickly dick will meet arse and -- as anyone in prison will tell you -- that leads to a world of pain.

So what do I mean when I say 'driving like a dick'? Well, driving too close to others, driving too fast, unnecessary overtaking, undertaking or just attempting to race everyone else who makes eye contact with you is pretty much the definition.

In America, motorbikes are nicknamed 'crotch rockets' and with good reason. Most bikes under £10,000 can easily outperform any sports car on the road for a fraction of the price. This means that bikers are going to be more prone to speeding because its easier to speed up and slow down over shorter distances and you don't have a £500,000 price tag hanging over your head all the time. A bikers natural reaction is to go a little too fast and that's a beast you have to tame quickly if you want to survive on the roads.

 If you look like this, you're doing it wrong.

If you buy a bike, DRIVE IT:

This may sound like a strange one. I appreciate that if you have a motorbike you will probably not want to ride it in Winter (in fact, I discourage this as I describe below), however you should ride it as soon as the weather is even remotely permitting. Yeah, it may be wet and windy, but get on it and drive it. If you don't, then you could easily be caught short if you're out on a drive in Summer and suddenly the heavens open. People think such things shouldn't be a problem, but trust me, roads can act strange after a bit of rain.

Aside from the obvious fact that you have reduced visibility during rain, you will find that no matter what you are wearing, part of your body will be inexplicably getting damp (usually the crotch). This can be understandably off-putting. In addition to this, you will find your feet may slip, your visor may fog up (and when you lift it, the rain gets on the inside where its difficult to clear) and the spray off other vehicles is deadly. Not only this, but you have glare off the road if the sun decides to come out and loose grit and general slipperiness to contend with. You can only get used to these things by driving for as much of the year as possible.

Food for thought: every time I have seen a biker acting recklessly on a road, he has usually been on a very clean, very new looking sports bike. I have nothing against 'weekend drivers' if they have the experience, but without it, they are simply driving a very shiny time bomb.

Incidentally, I very morbidly looked on the BBC website for the statistics of road accidents over a year. This shows the amount of accidents and the age of the people involved, the vehicles involved and the weather. I noticed a worrying statistic. Despite popular belief that 'young un's' are the most likely to die on motorbikes, it seemed that the majority of fatal accidents I came across involved people between the age of 30-55. Why is this?

My theory? Midlife crisis. Family. People between these ages are more likely to have settled down and are just as likely to own a car. As a result, a bike is less likely to be a form of transport and more likely to be a form of enjoyment used only on the occasional warm weekend when the wife and kids are busy. I understand this is a terrible presumption to make and statistics can be misleading, but I think that these people are more in danger with their (potentially) slower reaction times and infrequent bike use than some young person who only has a bike to get around.

Pictured: Midlife Crisis.

NEVER drive in the snow: 

It's no secret that I dislike snow and Winter in general. This mostly comes from me only having a motorbike to drive. I am one of the unlucky ones in that sense. I try to avoid driving in the snow whenever possible but I have been caught out in it before and let me tell you, it is terrifying. It is also impossible to drive in. The simple fact of the matter is, if you drive in the snow, you are going to come off your bike. It might not hurt, you may well be safe, but your bike could get damaged and you will look like a massive knob.

When I've been caught in the snow before, I've had people (usually elderly, non-bikers) telling me 'the best ways to drive in snow'. This includes: driving in the gutter, driving fast, driving really slow, driving with deflated tyres and driving in various gears. None of these work. If you want to drive in snow with a bike, you're an idiot. If you have to drive in snow then you better put both feet on the ground and do 2mph. You will get wet feet, but you may just make it home without incident. Let me tell you, if you drop that bike in the snow, you are going to be waiting around hoping that someone passes by so they can help you pick it up because otherwise you will just be sliding the damn thing around on its side.

As a final note, unless you have ever visited the coldest parts of Siberia, you will have never experienced the cold of driving a bike in Winter. Even with thick gloves on, the wind-chill factor on your hands is so extreme that within 20 minutes you can easily lose feeling in them. As I said, NEVER drive in snow.

Assume everyone else on the road is out to kill you:

Again, I hear people telling me to drive 'defensively'. This is rubbish. You drive safely, but aggressively. On a bike, you shouldn't linger or hesitate, you shouldn't be a good Samaritan and you should never drive like you're 80 years old. You are a small target on the road and can be as easily dismissed as a cyclist (and those poor bastards probably have a harder time than motorbikers). If you drive slowly or stop to let someone else out, then others will seize the opportunity to dangerously overtake you. If you don't overtake the person driving at 15mph on a 40mph road, then you are going to end up in the back of them (or falling off) when they brake suddenly.

The simple fact of the matter is you are on two wheels and that means that every time you brake, every time you stop and every time you have to perform a manoeuvre because of some other twat, you are putting yourself at risk. I never let anyone out of a side road in front of me because I will almost always regret it. They will either proceed to drive really slow or I will be left waiting there as a stationary target whilst the person makes up their mind whether I'm trying to trick them or not. In addition to this, use the acceleration you have to get yourself ahead of the traffic and out of trouble. This may mean driving a little faster for a couple of seconds, but if you are ahead of all the other road users, you are far safer.

My personal feeling is that motorways are the safest roads for bikers. You see, on a motorway, you get into the fast lane and match speed with the faster vehicles on the road. This way, you only have to worry about anyone who's speeding up behind you and the rare dickhead who pulls into your lane from your left. If you're in the slow lane, you're constantly pulling out into a lane with faster traffic to avoid slow lorries and then pulling back. If you're in the middle lane, you're having to look out everywhere. The fast lane is the safest. Also, everyone knows that each articulated lorry on the road is a rumbling force designed to kill and maim until the balance of the natural world is restored.

The most dangerous roads are residential. This is surprisingly obvious. You may be doing 30mph, but everyone is constantly pulling out on you or slowing down or making erratic manoeuvres. These are the roads you want to get off as quickly and safely as possible. Incidentally, when someone is going to pull out on you, you should always try to watch their eyes. People do this curious look... it's kind of like they've seen you but think that if they don't look at you, you won't really be there. It consists of a single glance then a forced aversion to you. It's bizarre. Avoid all cars in residential roads, that is the best advice.

This look generally doesn't bode well either...

Other annoyances:

There are a couple of other things to remember when buying a bike. These may not seem all that obvious either. Firstly, you are obliged to nod to every single biker that passes you. It's like a not-so-secret handshake. It's really friendly as it shows that you're part of a 'group' and you have been accepted, but damn do you feel like a dick if you forget to return the nod. In addition to this, if you nod to a scooter accidentally... well, that's just unforgivable.

Secondly -- and most annoyingly -- not all traffic lights recognise that you are waiting for them to change. Those with motion sensors or pressure strips in the road might not pick up the movement or weight of your bike. As a result, you may be forced to either wait until a car comes along or gingerly drive through on red. This is a pretty major design flaw if you ask me.

Thirdly, everyone will want to talk to you when you stop outside a busy shop or pub. Even if your bike is not particularly special, everyone will want to ask you bike related questions. This may sound good, but when you're late for work or meeting friends, it can be a bit of a ballache.

Fourthly, you will get people trying to recruit you into motorcycle 'groups'. Whilst some of these consist of genuine motorcycle enthusiasts, it can be hard to tell the difference between those and the 'gangs' that expect you to wank off a dog and be the clubs bitch for a year to 'prove your worth'. If you're into that kind of thing then good for you. If not, then you may have to explain very politely to the big leather-clad man why you are too good to be in his group (tip: I usually find that saying you're a copper or ex-copper helps).

Finally, motorcycle clothing can be quite expensive. Well, you can get cheaper boots and leathers but generally if they are cheap you will find that they break easily. The soles in the boots will fall off and the zips will almost always break. It is worth getting the expensive stuff, but your natural reaction will be to buy the cheap stuff first and learn the lesson yourself.

Oh, and I've yet to find a truly 100% waterproof piece of clothing. If you can't stand under a shower in it for 30 minutes without getting wet, then it's not waterproof enough.

Lastly, the GOOD things about driving a bike:

Despite stock images such as this suggesting otherwise, blurred vision is NEVER a good thing.

So, at this point you're probably wondering why anyone drives a bike. Why do I rant and moan like this and still put up with the thing? It's not an easy answer. Simply put; you have to try it. There is an inherent freedom to driving a motorbike and, when you are used to it and the bike becomes an extension of yourself, you learn to love it. I routinely get depressed over my previous bike that was stolen from me. I know there was things wrong with it, but to me it was perfect. It was anthropomorphic. It was part of me. It was very, very hard to replace and I still cringe when I use the word 'replace'.

The more you drive a bike, the safer it becomes. You learn from silly mistakes, you are almost certainly going to have a couple of tumbles but when this happens if you get back on it, you know you're going to be safer in the future. You have almost full 360 vision and you can smell the world around you (I all to often get a whiff of pot from the cars in front and as a result know which cars to avoid). You also have a greater manoeuvrability and speed so you can get yourself out of trouble if you're quick enough.

When you get out onto a country road and ride round sweeping bends you realise why a bike is just so special. You really feel the road beneath you and it is a sensation that can't be matched on any other vehicle. You always have those magical moments where you drive over the crest of a road and see a rainbow or view a magnificent sunset and they stay with you forever.

As a final note on the wonders of motorbike riding, I should point out that some research shows that driving a motorcycle hones your mind and keeps you alert. Indeed, it helps you remember things and apparently it could help to stave off dementia. Extreme views, but when you're on your bike with no radio or people to distract you, your mind really opens up but at the same time you keep attentive and your reflexes are honed.

Also, if none of the above really takes your fancy, it also tends to be far cheaper than driving a car. A bike lesson tends to be a little more expensive but you have less of them. You can drive a bike on a provisional licence once you've done your CBT which is a day course costing no more than £200. Road tax is very cheap and petrol is not too bad, depending on the bike and the way you drive it. But best of all?

... you will probably never pay for parking again in your life.

Helping Hollywood...

Recently I went to the cinema to watch the most recent Sherlock Holmes film and just as I was relaxing, watching the trailers for upcoming movies, one of them really grabbed my attention. It was this:

I had a little bit of a sinking feeling when watching the trailer. Once again, it would seem that Hollywood has run out of ideas and, not content with making films based on theme park rides or phone apps, they have now decided to go back in time a little and make classic board games into movies.

The strangest thing about this is not that it is based on a board game, it's the fact that they managed to get it wrong. You see, although it is never specified who the enemy is when you are playing the board game Battleship, it is fairly obvious that the enemy is not aliens. In the movie however, the enemy is most definitely aliens.

Now, without seeing the film I cannot judge it but there are some things that immediately don't make sense. For example, why would aliens, who have clearly mastered interstellar travel come all the way to Earth to sit in some water and blast at things with cannons... afterall, they could surely do that from orbit? And why create a 'force bubble' around the area of combat instead of around your own hull?

Anyway, Liam Neeson is in the film so maybe he will save it, but the whole thing got me thinking: maybe there are more board games that could be adapted to film? Afterall, there are some that must make more sense than Battleship. For example:


Hungry Hungry Hippos:

The premise: Scientists in some large, generic American city, capture and test various drugs on hippos in an effort to produce a cure for Parkinson's disease. The tests go terribly wrong and the hippos -- now stained different colours by the drugs -- are whipped into an eating frenzy, growing larger, more powerful and more aggressive in the process.

The plot: These 'super hippos' escape the labs and begin decimating the American cities. Animal welfare organisations step in and insist that the government capture the hippos in a humane way to minimize the stress to the already pissed off hippos. A couple of failed attempts at capture later and the government decide that they will shoot the hippos. An unknown hero (probably Nicholas Cage) -- a hippo expert -- warns the government that shooting one of the hippos will only cause the others to become more frenzied. The government ignores his advise and kills one of the hippos, causing the others to frenzy and enter a busy shopping mall. Inside, people are trapped with the raging hippos.

Nicholas Cage, who now has the attention of the government forces and is aided by a sexy lady scientist, devises a method to drug the hippos with an experimental antidote that was made in the same labs in which the hippos were produced. Cramming the drugs into white balls, Nicholas and the sexy scientist have to get safely inside the mall and get the hippos to eat as many drug balls as possible. They succeed and America is saved.

There's also some hippo-based nudity.

The movie poster:

Cluedo:

The premise: A group of people from different backgrounds are invited to a mansion owned by a deceased, distant family member. These people are told that they will each inherit a portion of the fortune but if any of them have passed away, the others will get a larger share.

The plot: Upon hearing that they could be in for a larger share if someone were to pass away, the various characters begin scheming against each other and as paranoia and distrust fills the mansion, a body is found. One of the people has been killed. But who is the killer?

A police inspector (probably Gary Oldman or someone like that) is called in to investigate and the suspects are all confined to the mansion. The exceedingly long film progresses with various accusations and some boring reveals about each of the characters pasts. A murder weapon is found, the location is known but each suspect seems to have a sold alibi. In the end (if anyone is actually still paying attention) there is a twist to the story which reveals that the killer was in fact the inspector who had been in the mansion all along and had committed murder to revive his dead career and prove himself to his superiors.

No nudity, or possibly a little bit of bum.

The movie poster:

Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur:

The premise: Imagine Jurassic Park, but instead of the dinosaurs all escaping and creating havoc on the island, they get pissed and spin around wildly in their enclosures, knocking over various supplies whilst vomiting.

The plot: The genetically engineered dinosaurs are accidentally introduced to alcohol after the islands wine barrels are damaged in a storm and their contents seep into the dinosaurs drinking water from the wine cellar on the island. The drunken dinosaurs spin uncontrollably, crashing into power supplies and fences, causing power surges throughout the park. With the power gone and the dinosaurs on the loose, the surviving humans have to dodge the spinning beasts and save as many of their supply crates as possible. In those crates are emergency beacons, food, flares and inflatable boats but will they be able to get to them before the dinosaurs do?

They do. And they get off the island. And then the drunken dinosaurs have a massive hangover. And die.

The movie poster:

The only nudity is some massive dinosaur dong.


I think, all in all, they could make some pretty damn good movies if Hollywood is successful with Battleship.

Ah, who am I kidding, they are all going to be toss... especially Battleship.

Why the World Would be a Better Place WITHOUT Christmas...

I've not had time to write a blog for a while, so I do apologise but I've been busy... with Christmas.

So, my general neglect for everything from this blog to my work up to my girlfriend got me thinking... What would the world be like without Christmas? And you know what, I was entirely unsurprised by the result I came to in my head. As a traditional Christmas grinch, I realised that the world would be a far better place without this particular seasonal festival. Why? I list below:


The Season of Good Will to All Men Brings out the Worst in People:

Aside from the actual day of giving presents, general 'good will' on the run up to and around Christmas must be at an all time low. Queues in pretty much every location are longer, meaning people have to wait and you would be surprised by how many people don't seem to be used to waiting. Any other time of year and people would not be all that bothered about a queue because they don't have to be anywhere in a rush, but at Christmas EVERYTHING is a rush so everyone is pissed off at having to queue.

The other problems that arise which truly sap the joy out of what always has the intention of being a 'fun' festival is the sheer amount of people that are everywhere. You go shopping at Christmas and you better be used to being pushed, shoved and verbally abused because everyone wants their own perfect Christmas for their family and they will defend it with tooth, nail and the occasional use of the C word. If you dare to slow down or get in the way of someone else's Christmas they are likely to attack you in one of the aforementioned ways. Also, because Christmas forces everyone out of their houses to shop and to get various festive provisions, this means that mentally unstable people who would otherwise be sitting at home masturbating are likely to be in the close vicinity, just waiting to snap.

The amount of people shopping means that whilst Christmas is the most profitable time for businesses, it is also the time in which most people who work are likely to be getting an earful from some ungrateful wretch.

It really does bring the best out in us all... 

In Many Countries, Christmas is During the Worst Season to be out of the House:

It may sound crazy to use the weather as a reason why the world would be a better place without Christmas, but think about it for one second. For most of the countries in the northern hemisphere, Christmas falls during times of heavy snowfall, frost or rain. As a result, all the problems I've already described are exacerbated by the fact that you have to go about this mad rush whilst its snowing, hailing or whilst nature is otherwise trying to kill you.

The mad rush to the shops and the vast amount of people who are out at any one time means that you have to drive or otherwise navigate your way through heavy traffic in weather that you would usually avoid at all costs. It's by far the worst time of year to have a busy festival. It also means that people fantasise about the snow and building snowmen and going sledding only to moan about it when it actually happens but isn't quite the type of snow they hoped for.

Any excuse to include a picture of Skyrim

Everybody is Labelled:

Whether is is the fat man with the beard down the street who gets nicknamed 'santa' (and would, at any other time of the year, simply be known as 'the fat man with the beard down the street') or the family of Jehovah's Witnesses who become known as 'the family who don't celebrate Christmas'; December is a time where everyone wears a label.

If someone is unhappy about something, or not a particularly festive person (like me) they are often told to get into the Christmas spirit or simply branded a 'grinch'. It doesn't matter if they've just lost their entire family in a tragically festive accident, if they kill the Christmas buzz, they are 'grinches'.

 A festive accident...

People Complain/Become more Ungrateful:

Anyone who works in customer care over Christmas will back me up on this one. Remember: everyone wants their families Christmas to be perfect. Anything less than perfect will not stand. If they want something that is not in stock, then by God you better pull that Wind-up Winter Frog toy out of your arse or they will complain and expect something for nothing.

Obviously, the amount of online orders that are put through over the festive season means that the postal service is crapper than usual and as a result, companies find it hard to keep up with consumers demands and get the products to them within an acceptable timescale. If a company fails to get something to a person before Christmas (regardless of how late said person waited to order), you can expect that person to ring up, complain and make the statement, "It has ruined Christmas". They will then promptly demand c*mpensation.

Fast forward to Christmas day. You've cheated, lied and murdered your way through to Christmas day with only a couple of scratches, bite marks and a criminal record to show for it. You sit down and watch with glee as little Jimmy opens the presents you've fought so hard to get... and he then complains that they aren't the ones he wanted.

 Pictured: Ungrateful

It's Unhealthy and Wasteful:

Christmas is also hugely wasteful. Packaging, food, even damned Christmas trees are simply thrown out to rot in the street until the councils can get their act together and collect all the rubbish. Christmas meals are made to be so large that people end up discarding vast amounts and because all the shops are closed people overstock and end up with too much food to eat. Is Christmas really worth all that?

 10 Years later, these children died of obesity.

People Lie More:

OK, so the vast majority of lies told over Christmas are things like: "I know exactly what to get you as a present" or "I swear I won't drink too much on Christmas day" or "Santa Claus is coming to town" but is it really right to lie so much? It's all in the name of enjoyment, but we wouldn't usually just make shit up to enjoy something. I know it's part of the tradition and if you have kids you are probably going to have to lie just so you don't ruin everyone else's Christmas (as kids obviously talk) but it seems wrong. After all, when parents say "This is from Santa Claus" there are not many young children who will understand that the present was bought with hard-earned cash and it wasn't just magicked up by the only old man who is allowed to enter children's homes in the dead of night.

Everything you do becomes a lie. You're out buying a present: you have to lie ("I swear I'm just having an affair!"). You're wrapping a present: you have to lie ("Don't come in, I'm masturbating to some really sick porn!") You want your children to be quiet: you lie ("Santa won't come this year if you don't stop smashing that ladies windows with those bricks").

Fucking Christmas Music:

Despite the fact that there hasn't really been any new Christmas music over the last 10 years, ever year we see a different CD for sale with the title 'The Greatest Christmas Hits --INSERT YEAR--'. The worse thing is, people still buy it. And it's total shit.

You are branded as a bad person when people you work with insist on putting the CD on repeat so all 12 Christmas songs ever made can be constantly regurgitated into your ears for hours on end. You become the bad guy when you say that the best Christmas song ever released was Rage Against the Machine's Killing in the Name Of which beat some X Factor dick to number one in 2009... and that is not even a Christmas song.

Anyone who enjoys Christmas music has the attention span of a pubic hair. Fact.

I couldn't find an appropriate picture of a pubic hair... they were all attached to genitals.

So all in all, Christmas is a pretty miserable time of the year where everyone expends huge amounts of energy and soul in preparing for a single day which might be fun, but totally doesn't justify the amount of effort put into it. It may not be a particularly popular view, but I think Christmas would be a far better time of year if it was simply not Christmas. We wouldn't have to work as hard, we could relax, we could easily book time off work if we wanted to avoid the bad weather and everyone would be more patient and happy. Christmas is just plain shit...

...and yes, I am aware that Christmas is a religious festival, but I didn't even include that on the list because I can't remember the last time someone pointed that fact out to me... very few people see it as a religious celebration and that is just the truth.

There is one point that I have failed to mention however, one which may negate everything I've moaned about...

... If you have children, Christmas looks like craploads of fun.

Merry Christmas one and all, now go and play up your own end.

Schadenfreude

I realised the other day that there really is a child in me. I’m not confessing to some weird cannibalistic killing either: you all know the child I talk about. It's in all of us. It's a little snigger that erupts when the fat kid falls over, when someone swears on prime time TV, or when a child says something racist. Something happens to someone and you just know you shouldn’t laugh. It’s only then that the child comes out.

I’m going to give you a bit of background on what I was like as a child and why I don’t think this childish nature ever leaves us.

I’ve discussed before the incident where I ended up going to A&E after a helicopter flew into my eye. That is just one example of the many things I did when I was younger that were utterly stupid. That child who was sitting in A&E with the eye patch on and a broken helicopter was the same child who once tried to make a homemade bazooka using a drainpipe and a firework.

 The look I was going for was like this, but less Matt Damony.

When I was young I always had a good group of friends and none of them were really trouble makers. True, the person who provided the firework and the motivation to create this homemade explosive device was a person who my parents referred to as ‘that big stupid idiot’ but his heart was in the right place. You see, we used to play army and we always endeavoured for realism. We played these games in the farmer’s fields near my house which provided large hedges and ditches (almost like a smaller version of the French Bocage). This was perfect for games of army. The only problem was that the ditches swayed people into just taking cover without risk and the game did get a bit boring. Granted, we were only using cap guns, but I wanted a faster paced game.

So, to add an additional element of realism to the game I tried – and succeeded – in flushing out my hiding friends using a rocket firework launched from within a short length of drainpipe. The only problem was – much like real RPG’s – you tended to get a blowback as the rocket left its poorly secured piece of tape which fixed it to the inside of the pipe. This was how I ended up with a burnt armpit (I still have small scars) and a group of friends who would not speak to me for days because I managed to flush them from their ditch... and perhaps because I may have put their lives in danger a little bit.

But this danger was all in the name of fun and it was hilarious when people got hurt. In fact, the first response of any child when someone is hurt is to run off as quickly as possible. I recall a few occasions when this childish masochism was demonstrated beautifully:

The first happened during summer of 1996. We were bored and England had lost the European Cup so people had many pent up frustrations. The usual stone fights with the kids who lived across the canal  had grown tedious (there’s no better way show your dislike for outsiders than to stone them – a method of punishment most modern day Iranians never quite grow out of) and so we took to making other weapons to bring about pain and thus, fun. One of these homemade horrors was a strip of branch from a simple bush that grew in the fields near to us. When broken off and stripped of the outer bark, these slender branches would form formidable whips which could be thrown through bicycle spokes, poked into people’s ears or,  when occasion called for it, whipping people in the arse. Bear in mind, these branches could whip an aluminium can in two so safety was paramount. This was taken into consideration by my friend who gave a strict warning to another mate to ‘duck’ before proceeding to whip the branch towards his face. Of course, this 1 second warning just prompted the victim to reply with “what?” as the branch tore through his lip and extended his smile by an inch.

 Yeah, kind of like this.

Bloodied and crying, what did we do to help ? We legged it. After all, we would all be blamed for playing with the things so we promptly decided it was home time. When we saw the victim the next day with his lip glued we just laughed (gluing wounds was still new to us) and someone actually said, “Well, he did give you fair warning.”

 Another incident was when myself and another friend helped to make a rope swing across the brook that ran through our estate. We were proud of the effort we had put into it and annoyed when other kids started to use it for their own fun. This would not be tolerated. So, one morning we woke up early, went to our rope swing and cut a notch into the rope before promptly leaving. When other kids turned up to use the rope swing we watched from afar as they took turns swinging on it. At first we thought our bit of sabotage had not worked but then as the oldest kid had a go there was a snap. Followed by a scream. The thing was, unlike most startled screams, this one didn’t stop. In fact, it sounded quite bad. It turned out the kid had broken his leg.

Finally, my last example of childishness that could’ve led to terrible things was when ‘bigger kids’ stole a raft that we had made for use on the canal that ran near to my house. This was a proper raft: oil drums with wood lashed on top. It floated perfectly... for a while. Obviously, when we heard of the theft, me and my best friend (the person who had helped me cut the rope swing and who was buried by porn in a later incident) made it our mission to find the raft. We succeeded. Now, the logical thing would’ve been to take the raft back and store it somewhere safely... but where is the fun in that? After all, the bullies who were using the raft were poor and everyone knows that poor people don’t swim all that well.

So, my friend and I set about puncturing each and every oil drum with a penknife. This meant that the raft would float until it got about half way across the canal where it would promptly sink. Incidentally, the first of the bullies to have a go was quite fat and this only meant that the raft sank faster. Revenge was sweet and defeat probably tasted like rat piss and hepatitis A.

So, you question what it was that reminded me of the child in me? It was a video on the Internet. And no, it wasn’t that kind of video. It was a video of a policeman in America who had just had something yelled at him by one of the hippies who are currently protesting outside all major capitalist establishments. This policeman – who had clearly had enough – decided to punch the hippy full-on in the face. According to the report he then decided to tase the man.

Now, this was not funny for any political reason. Whilst I don’t openly support what they are protesting about (yes the banks have screwed us over, but I can’t afford to take time off work to moan about it) I don’t disagree with them either. It was just funny to watch an unwashed person mouth off to someone who was just doing their job; then promptly pay for it.

Yes the policeman was in the wrong. Yes, he deserves to be sacked... but he also deserves a medal for reminding me of why something is very funny when it happens to someone else.