So, my general neglect for everything from this blog to my work up to my girlfriend got me thinking... What would the world be like without Christmas? And you know what, I was entirely unsurprised by the result I came to in my head. As a traditional Christmas grinch, I realised that the world would be a far better place without this particular seasonal festival. Why? I list below:
The Season of Good Will to All Men Brings out the Worst in People:
Aside from the actual day of giving presents, general 'good will' on the run up to and around Christmas must be at an all time low. Queues in pretty much every location are longer, meaning people have to wait and you would be surprised by how many people don't seem to be used to waiting. Any other time of year and people would not be all that bothered about a queue because they don't have to be anywhere in a rush, but at Christmas EVERYTHING is a rush so everyone is pissed off at having to queue.
The other problems that arise which truly sap the joy out of what always has the intention of being a 'fun' festival is the sheer amount of people that are everywhere. You go shopping at Christmas and you better be used to being pushed, shoved and verbally abused because everyone wants their own perfect Christmas for their family and they will defend it with tooth, nail and the occasional use of the C word. If you dare to slow down or get in the way of someone else's Christmas they are likely to attack you in one of the aforementioned ways. Also, because Christmas forces everyone out of their houses to shop and to get various festive provisions, this means that mentally unstable people who would otherwise be sitting at home masturbating are likely to be in the close vicinity, just waiting to snap.
The amount of people shopping means that whilst Christmas is the most profitable time for businesses, it is also the time in which most people who work are likely to be getting an earful from some ungrateful wretch.
In Many Countries, Christmas is During the Worst Season to be out of the House:
It may sound crazy to use the weather as a reason why the world would be a better place without Christmas, but think about it for one second. For most of the countries in the northern hemisphere, Christmas falls during times of heavy snowfall, frost or rain. As a result, all the problems I've already described are exacerbated by the fact that you have to go about this mad rush whilst its snowing, hailing or whilst nature is otherwise trying to kill you.
The mad rush to the shops and the vast amount of people who are out at any one time means that you have to drive or otherwise navigate your way through heavy traffic in weather that you would usually avoid at all costs. It's by far the worst time of year to have a busy festival. It also means that people fantasise about the snow and building snowmen and going sledding only to moan about it when it actually happens but isn't quite the type of snow they hoped for.
Any excuse to include a picture of Skyrim
Everybody is Labelled:
Whether is is the fat man with the beard down the street who gets nicknamed 'santa' (and would, at any other time of the year, simply be known as 'the fat man with the beard down the street') or the family of Jehovah's Witnesses who become known as 'the family who don't celebrate Christmas'; December is a time where everyone wears a label.
If someone is unhappy about something, or not a particularly festive person (like me) they are often told to get into the Christmas spirit or simply branded a 'grinch'. It doesn't matter if they've just lost their entire family in a tragically festive accident, if they kill the Christmas buzz, they are 'grinches'.
A festive accident...
People Complain/Become more Ungrateful:
Anyone who works in customer care over Christmas will back me up on this one. Remember: everyone wants their families Christmas to be perfect. Anything less than perfect will not stand. If they want something that is not in stock, then by God you better pull that Wind-up Winter Frog toy out of your arse or they will complain and expect something for nothing.
Obviously, the amount of online orders that are put through over the festive season means that the postal service is crapper than usual and as a result, companies find it hard to keep up with consumers demands and get the products to them within an acceptable timescale. If a company fails to get something to a person before Christmas (regardless of how late said person waited to order), you can expect that person to ring up, complain and make the statement, "It has ruined Christmas". They will then promptly demand c*mpensation.
Fast forward to Christmas day. You've cheated, lied and murdered your way through to Christmas day with only a couple of scratches, bite marks and a criminal record to show for it. You sit down and watch with glee as little Jimmy opens the presents you've fought so hard to get... and he then complains that they aren't the ones he wanted.
Pictured: Ungrateful
It's Unhealthy and Wasteful:
Christmas is also hugely wasteful. Packaging, food, even damned Christmas trees are simply thrown out to rot in the street until the councils can get their act together and collect all the rubbish. Christmas meals are made to be so large that people end up discarding vast amounts and because all the shops are closed people overstock and end up with too much food to eat. Is Christmas really worth all that?
10 Years later, these children died of obesity.
People Lie More:
OK, so the vast majority of lies told over Christmas are things like: "I know exactly what to get you as a present" or "I swear I won't drink too much on Christmas day" or "Santa Claus is coming to town" but is it really right to lie so much? It's all in the name of enjoyment, but we wouldn't usually just make shit up to enjoy something. I know it's part of the tradition and if you have kids you are probably going to have to lie just so you don't ruin everyone else's Christmas (as kids obviously talk) but it seems wrong. After all, when parents say "This is from Santa Claus" there are not many young children who will understand that the present was bought with hard-earned cash and it wasn't just magicked up by the only old man who is allowed to enter children's homes in the dead of night.
Everything you do becomes a lie. You're out buying a present: you have to lie ("I swear I'm just having an affair!"). You're wrapping a present: you have to lie ("Don't come in, I'm masturbating to some really sick porn!") You want your children to be quiet: you lie ("Santa won't come this year if you don't stop smashing that ladies windows with those bricks").
Fucking Christmas Music:
Despite the fact that there hasn't really been any new Christmas music over the last 10 years, ever year we see a different CD for sale with the title 'The Greatest Christmas Hits --INSERT YEAR--'. The worse thing is, people still buy it. And it's total shit.
You are branded as a bad person when people you work with insist on putting the CD on repeat so all 12 Christmas songs ever made can be constantly regurgitated into your ears for hours on end. You become the bad guy when you say that the best Christmas song ever released was Rage Against the Machine's Killing in the Name Of which beat some X Factor dick to number one in 2009... and that is not even a Christmas song.
Anyone who enjoys Christmas music has the attention span of a pubic hair. Fact.
I couldn't find an appropriate picture of a pubic hair... they were all attached to genitals.
So all in all, Christmas is a pretty miserable time of the year where everyone expends huge amounts of energy and soul in preparing for a single day which might be fun, but totally doesn't justify the amount of effort put into it. It may not be a particularly popular view, but I think Christmas would be a far better time of year if it was simply not Christmas. We wouldn't have to work as hard, we could relax, we could easily book time off work if we wanted to avoid the bad weather and everyone would be more patient and happy. Christmas is just plain shit...
...and yes, I am aware that Christmas is a religious festival, but I didn't even include that on the list because I can't remember the last time someone pointed that fact out to me... very few people see it as a religious celebration and that is just the truth.
There is one point that I have failed to mention however, one which may negate everything I've moaned about...
... If you have children, Christmas looks like craploads of fun.
Merry Christmas one and all, now go and play up your own end.
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