Proud to Be English?

Well, it's been an eventful two months for me and I've been relatively happy which is a pleasant diversion from my usual pessimism. I was lucky enough to have had the opportunity to go on holiday to Cape Town, South Africa, to be part of the World Cup 2010 celebrations and watch a couple of the matches with my own eyes. It was a fantastic experience and a wonderful holiday.

I must admit, I'm not the worlds biggest football fan. I don't actively follow a team although I can certainly appreciate the skill and dedication it takes to excel at the sport. Yes, I think the players are nothing more than overpaid apes, but if they play well and entertain me then I won't question their pay level like so many others undoubtedly are. Some things will probably never change and when you look at the massive amount of money football raises you can almost see how their pay is justified. Anyway, enough of that, what I'm trying to say is that I am not a football fanatic, but I can appreciate and enjoy the sport.

More so when I have the opportunity to go to a different country and immerse myself completely in the entirely unique atmosphere that goes with the sport. I would certainly recommend this for anyone, football fan or noob, it really is a fantastic experience and whilst the celebrations are going on and the game is in play you feel a unique bond with the people around you. It's a kind of bond you really only get with fanatical sports or, presumably, fanatical religions.

But being around such a diverse crowd of people from all different countries and all different backgrounds makes you look at yourself in a different way. It makes you really look at yourself -- and your country -- from an outsiders perspective. Suddenly, amid the different conversations and different languages I came to have a realisation... people are nervous around the English. Obviously, this is not the case in all social situations but when it comes to the 'football atmosphere' there does seem to be an element of apprehension when the English are around.

And you know what? I understand why.

If you're English or understand our strange ways then it's a brotherhood you want to be a part of  -- in many ways you're proud to be a part of -- but if you stand there and look at the English from an outsiders point of view it is daunting. Where other teams chanted their national anthems and team name over and over, the English came up with rhymes which belittled and antagonised other teams. Chants such as "Shove your vuvuzelas* up your arse" are a good example of a fairly aggressive approach the English have to football. We really do put the 'fan' into fanatic.

The Vuvuzelas: distinct, cheap and very, very loud

Of course it's all a bit of English fun, but seeing the nervous looks on the faces of people as they stay out of ridicule range was a little disheartening. On the whole the English were well behaved but even in a country which would cost too much for your average meathead to visit, there were small scuffles. I am ashamed to admit that during my time in Cape Town the only fighting that took place was after the England v Algeria match and it was England fans who instigated it.

Don't get me wrong, you don't have to be abroad to be disheartened by the English. I remember during the last World Cup when I was standing in HMV and a dreg walked past with his equally dreggy friend and said, "I bet he doesn't support Engerland." Presumably he made this assumption because I was looking at the heavy metal section and wasn't wearing an England shirt or carrying an England flag or mindlessly throwing insults at people but in that very moment I was very tempted to agree. Afterall, the fucking idiot couldn't even pronounce 'England' without adding an 'er' in the middle of it to lower the word to his grammatical standards.

I bet the above moron is one of the many people who took their England flags down from their houses the second we were kicked out of the World Cup. I really can't fathom how people, who claim to be so proud of their country, suddenly revoke all interest in their heritage as soon as the sport they love is no longer a part of the equation. These people don't know anything about English history or what really makes people English, they only know what they want England to be (a country of mindless thugs who want to win everything) and they act up to that.

In my opinion, defeat is what has made Great Britain 'Great'. If it wasn't for defeat, we would still be a cruel overlord of our colonies and yes, we would be a far wealthier country but war and revolt would be ever looming around the corner. We were very almost defeated during World War II. We may have fought until the bitter end but without the help of the Americans, we would've probably been defeated sooner or later.

One of the greatest Britons, Sir Winston Churchill, only became great through defeat. He managed this by learning from his mistakes and bettering himself. Anyone who looks up the Gallipoli campaign will find that this military disaster was spearheaded by Winston Churchill himself. How he came to be Prime Minister after this is not a miracle, but a testament to the attitude of the man.

Winston Churchill, a truly Great Briton

I really can't understand why people are so proud to be English whilst there is a chance to win but as soon as we are defeated they forget all that makes this country great. I am proud to be English but when I was abroad I didn't want to admit this fact and tried to say 'I'm British' because British doesn't have the same yobbish football connections as 'English'. It's a shame that I feel the need to do this, but it is through no exaggeration of mine that it was a necessity.

I can say it was wonderful how welcoming people were despite my obvious disability of being 'English' and once they got past the initial aversion and realised I was a very friendly chap, we had some polite conversations and I hopefully helped to quash the view that all English are drunken yobs. I only hope that others follow in my example and this fear of our great nation is dissipated because I find it unlikely that we would ever be the host nation of the World Cup whilst other countries are so fearful of mixing with us when football is thrown into the mix.

So next time you meet someone foreign, have a nice chat with them and if they're American and they mention the BP oil leak in the Gulf just do what I did... smile, hold your hands up and say, "Yeah, sorry about that, that was our bad. If it's any consolation, it'll probably be an excuse for our petrol prices to go up."




* for those of you who don't know, the vuvuzela is a traditional South African instrument that someone took and made out of plastic for the World Cup. It probably made someone a millionaire because it's cheap and very, very loud.

Endangered Species

I recently looked back through my posts and realised that I perhaps appear a little more harder than I am in real life and this does probably paint a fairly negative image of me. I realise that cynicism can sometimes be misinterpreted as someone not giving a toss. The truth is, I really do care about the world we live in and (some) of the people in it. I also care about animals. As a result of this little revelation, I felt it prudent for me to bring to light the plight of some of the endangered species that are on this planet.

Below is a list of some of my favourite endangered animals and what I feel is so wonderful about them:

1) Abbott's Booby: This is an endangered sea bird which can be found on Christmas Island in the Indian Ocean. Whilst there are a lot of boobies around and sometimes we can find our minds utterly transfixed by other boobies, we need to focus on this particular booby and help this booby and protect this booby... well, I think you see why I think this bird is so special, its named after tits.

But in all seriousness, this bird is having a fucking rough time. It's habitat was severely damaged by phosphate mining and if that wasn't enough, the poor bastard has to deal with cyclones and even some little critters called 'Yellow Crazy Ants'. I shit you not, this bird is being terrorised by ants that are not only disturbingly yellow but also so openly crazy that their mental instability has to be included as part of their name.

"Did that man just call me a tit?"
Photo courtesy of orangeisland

2) Pakistan Sand Cat: This cat is small and appears to be very similar in many respects to your normal domestic cat except it's ears are large, it makes barking sounds and as it's name suggests, this furry little creature fucking loves sand; can't get enough of the stuff. As it lives primarily in desert environments, it has grown accustomed to the heat and also, because the desert is essentially one great big litter tray, it enjoys being able to shit anywhere without the worry of whether or not anyone will tread in it.

Unfortunately the sand cat is hunted because it's interesting fur makes it quite an attractive scarf. This is a terrible shame because it's such an elusive cat... so elusive in fact, that scientists can't even be sure of it's numbers. In fact, it is so elusive that there could be millions of the buggers in the desert and it might not even be endangered at all. But still, it's a nice cat.

"Woof"
Photo courtesy of Predator Conservation Trust 

3) African Wild Ass: Well, as its name suggests, this is one wild ass. The African Wild Ass kinda looks like a grey donkey with some zebra stripes that creep up the front of it's legs. I presume its name comes from the fact that it's most active at night and during the early hours and is known for a particularly loud noise it makes which can be heard 3km away (the natural world's universal call for 'party over here!').

They are such party animals that they have become completeley dependant on drinking. In fact, they must drink at least once every three days to survive. Of course the source I get my information from (Wikipedia) doesn't confirm whether or not the donkey prefers to drink ales or liqours. Undoubtedly it's reputation as a hardcore motherfucka party animal means that people (presumably students) have captured much of the wild population and forced it to inbreed and become domesticated, taking away its party spirit and leaving a drastically small wild population. Harsh.

 Don't let this donkey fool you; it's a hardcore party animal

Photo courtesy of Brent Huffman

4) African Penguin: Well, there really isn't much to say about this one. It's down on the vulnerable species list and may become endangered if something is not done quickly. Whilst some people believe its population decrease is down to oil spills and chemicals in the water I feel that people are clearly missing quite an obvious problem. It's a penguin living in Africa. The poor things are probably lost...

 "Where the fuck am I?"
Photo courtesy of Penguin Peferction

5) Agile Gibbon:  This wonderful monkey creature lives in the forests of Thailand and Malaysia and is one fast monkey. It doesn't have a tail and swings rapidly from tree to tree, presumably giving this primate its mint name. But swinging isn't the only thing this magnificent monkey can do, this thing can sing its heart out. So you have an agile monkey that loves to sing; why would such a thing be endangered? Well, that's our bad because it's down to deforestation.

Picture this: he's swinging along, singing his favourite MJ song and life is wonderful. He's showing off, swiftly moving from tree to tree, and suddenly... FUCK. There's no trees. Suddenly, he isn't as much agile as he is 'fally' or 'plummety'. So please, help save these Plummety Gibbons.

 "My milkshake brings all the boys to the... hey, what're they doing with our trees?"
Photo courtesy of International Rhino Fund

6) Albanian Water Frog: This is a truly amazing frog because unlike other frogs, this frog lives in water... wait a second. I feel a bit cheated by this one... It's name gives the false impression that this frog is somehow different from other ones across the globe. Ah, screw it. We can afford to lose this one, after all there's plenty of other 'water frogs' out there...

 "Need Water..."

7) Big White Fish: I figured I would mention this because it's on the endangered species list but I've been unable to find any information about this particular animal. I suspect that someone once said, "Jesus George, did you just see that big white fish?" to which his friend replied, "No." The next logical step was to then say "Wow, I've never seen one before. It must be endangered."

I wonder if they mean 'Great White Shark'...

 'Big White Fish'

8) Ganges River Shark: I make mention of this one for two reasons: The first is that it's a freshwater shark so that makes it quite special. The second is that it represents a species which is under threat all over the world. As a diver, I have a special place in my heart for sharks.

The problem is that people are very afraid of sharks as a result they feel the need to kill them. I think this is a shame because there are a lot of things I'm afraid of -- like rowdy tramps and clowns -- but I would be frowned upon for killing them. The second reason sharks are killed is because the Japanese feel that their fins would be put to better use in a soup and there is also a belief that they are a natural aphrodisiac... Hmmm. I feel it would be far better for erectally dysfunctional Japanese to simply watch a porno or buy some Viagra rather than kill a shark.

"Shit, Dave! Swim! There's some kinky Japanese in the water!"

9) Giant Panda: I had to make mention of this interesting creature. It's a bear but unlike other bears, it's cute and fluffy and as a result, not quite as terrifying. Also, the fact that it just sits on its arse all day eating bamboo probably has an impact on the animals fear factor. For a long time it has been the symbol of the WWF and for a good portion of this time children thought it was a new wrestler and longed for the day it would enter the ring and fight Hulk Hogan... until the World Wrestling Federation changed their name to World Wrestling Entertainment and cleared up the confusion. To be fair, I think Hogan probably would've won.

The problems that are causing this animal to be endangered are habitat loss and the fact that the animal is completely bone idle. It literally can't be arsed to do anything except sit and eat. It can't even be arsed to have sex. Some conservationists think the wild panda population is on the rise... others just think that trying to save the panda is like pissing in the wind.

"We had sex ten years ago, what do you think I am, a machine?"

Photo courtesy of David Sheppar

  

10) North American Black-Footed Ferret: This deserves a mention because I am a fan of mustelids and own a couple of ferrets myself. This poor creature is being killed and having it's food source -- prairie dogs -- slaughtered and moved away by man. As a result, this little bouncy creature is struggling to survive in the wild.

For those of you who're fortunate enough to have ever met a ferret, you'll know that they are friendly, comical, active little animals that have far more personality than people give them credit. They are bad and constantly cause trouble (I just discovered the other day that mine had been collecting spoons and hiding them and that the insoles of my shoes were missing) but they are wonderful animals. Hopefully organisations will take note and help save this truly great mammal.

"Let's steal their insoles and hoard their spoons... revenge is sweet."

Photo courtesy of greenexpander

Well, I hope this has been an interesting wildlife lesson for you all. Just remember when you're down and the whole world seems to be out to get you and everything seems to be going wrong for you, it could be worse...

... you could be a panda.

Why Stereotyping Someone Might Just Save Your Life...

Well, this has been a thoroughly interesting month for me. It all began when some cowardly assholes stole my beloved motorcycle from a place where I believed it to be utterly secure and now it's led to me having to get public transport everywhere in order to get around until I get another bike sorted. Needless to say I'm thoroughly pissed off.


I'm not going to rant about the fact my motorbike was stolen as its obvious to even the most retarded individual that I'm upset about it and there's no need to inflict that on anyone else. What I am going to talk about is the wonderful insight into the parts of society I had almost forgotten existed and the magical place that allows me to view such snippets of real-life drama that would inspire the writers of Hollyoaks for years. Of course, what I'm talking about is public transport. Buses. And the wonderful people who ride them.

One of my friends once asked me why I don't listen to music when I'm travelling or when I'm walking about town. Apart from the fact that I find it distracting, the other reason is because it is far more entertaining to sometimes just sit back, watch and listen to the people around you. I don't watch soaps, I don't particularly enjoy many TV dramas and I don't lead a particularly dramatic life so I get my entertainment from listening to the people around me. Yup, I'm the weird quiet guy sitting in the corner listening in on your conversation.

Now, that may strike some as incredibly weird or perhaps even invasive but in such an enclosed space like a bus or train, if you talk about your life you have to accept that people are going to hear you. Not only that, but most of the people who talk about their life on public transport actually want people to hear them. The great thing about public transport is that it bridges the gap between the classes and it brings people who would usually have nothing in common with each other together with funny, disastrous and always entertaining results.

For example, on a bus you can always guarantee one of the following characters:

1) The mental: This man or woman can either be a really introverted, quiet person who wants nothing more than to enjoy the bus ride with only a few little ticks that give away their mental condition. Or, at the other end of the scale, it can be -- and often is -- the borderline psychopath with paranoid schizophrenia who is convinced that everyone on the bus, including the driver, is out to kill them. These are usually the most interesting of characters.

2) The old man or woman... who stinks of piss: Yeah, I'm going to hell for admitting it, but usually there's an old person on board who has lost that last shred of dignity but by God are they not going to let it spoil their day. If you have a seat free next to you then they WILL come and sit there.

3) The talkative elderly person: These are probably the nicest people you will meet. They will sit next to you and at first you'll throw them an awkward glance as they invade your personal space, but once they get talking and you've had a couple of their Werther's Originals you'll be completely comfortable talking to them and you might just learn something too.

4) The aggressive chav: Chavs? Being aggressive? On buses? That's surely a stereotype? No, it's the truth and you all know it. Consider yourself blessed if only one of them gets on your bus. If it's a male, he'll probably be drunk or on some kind of drug and will undoubtedly ask you if you smoke, if you have the time or if you have 20p for the next bus. Failure to correctly answer any of the above questions will probably result in you being another stab statistic. If the chav is female then she'll usually have a preadolescent cretin with her or a baby, and they will make your bus ride even more uncomfortable.

5) The child with the overactive imagination: An example of this would be the child who I used to see who made explosion sounds and put on voices as though he was watching Star Wars in his head. Man, I wish I had that kids imagination. The more hyperactive variants of this character can be intensely annoying and will run amok whilst their parents do nothing or insist on sitting next to you whilst asking ridiculous questions.

6) The village drunk: Everyone has one. The man who looks like a tramp and appears to be wasted regardless of the time of the day. The fat, puffy red face and glazed eyes will give him away immediately whilst his inability to stand up even when the bus has come to a stop will bring about bouts of laughter from all aboard. Oh, what a jolly fellow.

7) The student/schoolchild: These poor individuals sit in the corner, with their music on trying to make the ride go as quickly as possible in the hope that nobody sits near them or tries to interact with them. Chavs love to invade their personal space.

Whilst it makes me cringe to see such stereotypes sitting around me, it's wonderful to get an insight into their lives. Just this morning I heard an interesting conversation between two chav mothers. One of them was pretty upset because her hubby was in prison and the other was comforting her, telling her that if her hubby 'behaved himself' he wouldn't have ended up in prison and that she shouldn't blame herself for him being caught. When asked what he was in prison for, the upset chav whispered something to her and I only made out the word 'heroin'.

I find this funny because the way the comforting chav mother had described the others hubby and talked about how he'd not 'behaved himself' it almost sounded like some surreal parents evening at school. The hubby was not a filthy criminal but just a bit of a naughty boy. "Oh, he was just caught hardlining heroin into his eyeball in front of little Jimmy here... he's a bit of a scamp". Jeremy Kyle would kill for them on his show.

It's about this time that you will probably be thinking that I'm some kind of a snob who is moaning about the fact that I've been forced to associate with individuals I would usually look down my nose at in the street and in a way you're absolutely right. I do stereotype people and I don't see anything wrong with it.

You see, as I listed above, I've grouped people into only a small number and put them under the greater heading of 'bus people' which means I've stereotyped them and in some ways taken away their individuality. This is considered to be a very bad thing because stereotyping means that you're assuming that someone has a particular character or mannerism simply because they dress or act a certain way... but the point I'm trying to make is that this is not bad and in many ways it is essential.

A person who is loud, dresses in a way I associate with aggression and glares at people in an oppressive way is someone I would avoid and rightly so. Perhaps not all 'chavs' are aggressive, horrible people but it is unfortunately a part of that culture which they have chosen to be a part of. If a chav turns around to me, has a polite conversation and doesn't threaten me or make me feel uncomfortable then this won't change my view of all chavs, it will just be a pleasant surprise and will make me a little less weary of an individual in the future.

When I was in the police I was told that stereotyping was bad, but at the same time it was necessary in order to do the job. If you saw a group of lads hanging around down an alleyway in the middle of the night, you would rightly assume they were out for no good and give them a wide berth. Of course, it could be the nightly meeting of 'Christians Against Antisocial Behaviour' but I would still give them a wide berth because my life might well depend on making such a stereotype.

There were and presumably are still statistics that are released giving information about who commits what types of crimes. As far as I'm aware these are not published or made widely available, not because they are top secret, but because people would consider them stereotypical or even racist. Common sense would support these figures anyway, but we can't let people think too much about them can we?

The sad truth is that particular crimes tend to be performed by particular groups of people. Prostitutes tend to be mainly women (call me sexist), gun and knife/gang related crime tends to be committed by Afro-Caribbeans (call me racist), burglaries and shoplifting tends to be young white males, fraud is more likely to be committed by businessmen or people from the Asian community and 'travellers' ie. 'gypsies' are more likely to be involved in theft from properties and obtaining property or services through deception.

Of course this doesn't mean that every black person is a gang member, every white person is a shoplifter or that every traveller is going to promise to pave your driveway and then make off with your money but these stereotypes have come about for a reason and being weary of someone is not a crime. I often wonder what would've happened if Sophie Lancaster, the 20 year old goth who was brutally murdered in Lancaster in 2007, had been as closed minded as her murderers and had decided to avoid them. I feel a life could've been saved that day simply from being stereotypical.

I reserve my right to stereotype people and I reserve my right to occasionally be proven wrong and get a very pleasant surprise. After all, you can avoid someone and be polite about it.

Now could the gypsies that stole my motorcycle please return it.

Charity Really Does Begin at Home

I hate to be negative... well, that's not entirely true, I actually quite like negativity sometimes; it forces people to answer obvious questions. Anyway, I dislike appearing negative but I'm going to go ahead and appear that way by saying: If you're going to give money to charity, make sure it doesn't go to waste. There are some charities I would never give money to because, to be frank, it's not worth it.

Every year there is the usual Comic Relief and Sport Relief and everyone's bouncing around saying how great it is to get out there and lose weight or laugh for a good cause... the good cause being Terry Wogan's bank account of course. You see, every year millions are raised for both sport relief and comic relief. MILLIONS. That's millions of UK pounds that are raised. Now, I know that the pound has not been the strongest currency in recent years but it is still stronger than, say, Zimbabwe dollars. Recently, a 100 Trillion dollar Zimbabwe note went on eBay for about £20. That is probably a little more than the actual worth of the money as the currency is just that worthless.

Who wants to be a Zimbabwe Trillionaire?

So, how is it that every year we raise millions (UK currency) for charitable causes abroad and yet the next year we are still doing the same thing? And what justifies our good charity? The year following one of these epic fundraisers a celebrity is sent (presumably on an all expenses paid first class flight) to the country to see what good the money has done. Whilst walking through the shanty towns or barren landscapes they proudly pronounce that the money you helped to raise was used to buy a new blackboard, six board rubbers, 3 pens, a set of chairs and a tap for the village... I know some stationary stores are a bit of a rip off but if that's all you can buy for £29m then something is very, very wrong.

A million pounds should be an unfathomable amount of money for a village of people who probably don't earn more than the equivalent of a few pounds a month. It should really be enough to buy a selection of new homes, buildings and all the services you would expect. It should also be enough to pay the wages of a handful of teachers for a year or more. So, the hard question remains. Where the hell does the rest of the money go to?

Well, you've got administrative costs, celebrity pay packets, transport for those involved in the events, the cost of airing the show, the wages of all the people involved in shooting the programme, marketing, advertising and presumably another load of administrative and pay packets for the people involved in the charities the money goes to themselves. How much of that money actually made it to the places it was needed?

According to the BBC website which gives details of the money that was sent out, there was still quite a large amount given out, although I must admit there is still a shortfall which I can presume goes on the aforementioned activities. But still, an impressive amount apparently made it to these countries. I say apparently because we can never really know. If we are to believe these figures there is still an obvious issue. That issue is quite simply that all of the money raised is being split up and sent all over the globe. There are 49 locations in Africa alone that the money was sent to (looking at the figures from 2007's comic relief) and then various locations around the Middle East and the Caribbean. Using Africa as an example, £89,000 on average was sent to each location. Obviously, this should still a staggering amount for a small village but presumably the materials used for construction are bought at UK prices or the people building are paid UK wages because there still seems to be only small scale construction.

If the money was sent to a only a handful of locations then it could make a real and lasting difference; one which would be noticeable and perhaps inspire more people to give to charity. Alternatively -- and call me a racist for suggesting this -- wouldn't it be prudent to spend the money in the UK? Afterall, as underprivileged as kids are in Africa, there are some pretty shoddy locations here in the UK and children that really don't have any future. Not only this, but sending money abroad must be expensive in itself whereas using it in the UK would mean it's far easier to account for and wouldn't need to be transferred through various accounts before being used.

I always wonder why our country, which has substantial problems of its own, is spending so much money abroad. People may say that our problems pale in comparison to those of 3rd world nations but that really is not my concern. For example, if that money was pumped into researching diseases then potentially millions of lives would be saved over years to come whereas relatively small amounts of money dumped into a 3rd world community on a yearly basis is unlikely to make a lasting impact. Indeed, if the impact was lasting, it wouldn't have to be a yearly ordeal. Give it 5 years and the buildings bought with UK money will be dated and in need of further funds for repair and renewal.

We are never going to make a difference to 3rd World communities by throwing bits of money into the quagmire that is poverty. Celebrities like Bono who parade around these cesspits trying to 'relate to' and 'understand' the people of these nations certainly won't make a difference either.

Bono. Bow down to his superior understanding of 'poor people'.

Just imagine, you've just got in from a hard day sifting through surgical waste for cans, your legs hurt, your shack is leaking. You need a drink so you take a ten mile round walk to a tap only to discover that the water tastes suspiciously like turd. Then, you return to your shack to find some smug, rich, Irish rock star in front of a camera, crying, saying how horrible the area is and how underprivileged you are. I'd be more than a little pissed off wouldn't you? The man comes into your village, parades his wealth around and then tell the world how shit your house is. It's not exactly MTV's 'Cribs' is it?

"Hi there. Welcome to my crib. Here is my bug ridden mattress that gives me sores. These are my malaria suppositories ... that's right, these fist sized things go up my arse. Oh, and over here is the bucket I shit in. Thank you for visiting my crib."

The bottom line is we will never really understand what those people are going through and until we have the organisation and money to make a lasting difference we aren't going to be able to change anything. Would it be so wrong to spend that money fixing the UK? I don't think it would be.

But if I see Bono anywhere near my house I'll go third world on the prick.

When Did It Become Cool to Have an Illness?

Yup, you see it all the time, though granted most people don't think about it. Just scrawl through the Facebook updates you undoubtedly get and you'll see it: " ----- is feeling sad. These anti-depressants the doctor gave me don't work." "----- wonders what the point in life is any more" "----- would love to come out tonight but his medication doesn't mix well with alcohol :("


Ok, we get it, you're sick. If you really are ill then why oh why do you feel the need to broadcast it to the world? I've made it a cruel point of 'liking' every single one of these to see if anyone says anything. It's childish but to see someone write "----- is feeling suicidal" and then to see my name underneath with a little thumbs up gives me quite substantial pleasure.

But right now I can almost hear people coming up with excuses as to why they need to broadcast such facts like "people will guess anyway" or "I'd prefer people to know" but if this is the case then why do we not see status' such as "----- has a terrible bowel obstruction." The reason, my friends, is that somewhere in the last couple of years it has become cool to have something wrong with you. Presumably this is because it makes you somehow different to the other dregs walking about, but the funny thing is there seems to be more people suffering from depression or with some kind of illness that, quite miraculously, doesn't affect their ability to go out and get drunk but does give them an excuse to fall back on should they need some sympathy.

It seems unfortunate that so many people seem to have one of only a handful of 'illnesses'. These include: depression, mild ME,  bipolar disorder and finally, the more work related 'illness', Stress.

So, let's take a quick peek at these little gems shall we? The first one, depression, seems to be one that soooo many people claim to have. Depression should be when someone is constantly depressed to the point where it is almost impossible to focus, where they don't want human company or -- at the most extreme -- when someone is seriously considering topping themselves. What it seems to mean to the majority of people is when Sex and the City isn't on for a week or when they get dumped by their girlfriends and write fuckloads of poetry. You go to the doctor and say "I'm depressed" and I guarantee you'll be on the happy pills before the week is through. It doesn't mean you have depression, just that you are depressed. I've been depressed. I was depressed when my dog died and when my girlfriend left me but that doesn't mean I need to go on medication. You deal with it like we have for millions of years, ever since the sabre-toothed tiger killed the cavemans wife. You shrug your shoulders, say "shit happens" and perhaps have a wank. I challenge you to be depressed whilst wanking. In fact, the very thought of a person wanking and crying at the same time humours me greatly.

The next one, mild ME. Now, let's get something right here, ME, that is proper ME (also known as CFS or chronic fatigue syndrome) is quite serious. It's when a person lacks the energy to do anything; get out of bed, get something to eat, anything. Mild ME however is just a term for "being bone idle". I could claim to have mild ME because on some days, I can't be arsed to do anything but sit around in my pants and watch things explode on crap TV. Not exactly worthy of medical attention is it?

Bipolar disorder... hmm, now this is a fairly new one. Amazingly enough, most people have only started to suffer from this in the last few months since, say, around about the time that Stephen Fry admitted he had it. In medical terms it means that one day you can be ecstatically happy and the next you can be suicidally depressed. Again, these are two polar opposites that would impact your life greatly but it seems that since Stephen Fry made his announcement, more and more people have claimed to have this disorder. But, what they basically mean is that some days they're happy (like the weekends or when it's sunny or when it's their birthday) and some days they're sad (like when they wake up and find the cat has shit everywhere or the car won't start or they realise the milk has gone sour after pouring if over their cereal). Basically, when someone experiences the range of human emotions that we've been graced with, they're bipolar.

And finally, the best of all, stress. "I can't come to work because I'm stressed." "I can't do anything stressful because I'm stressed." Everyone, from time to time, will get stressed by life but if this happens you take a holiday or enjoy some time to yourself, it's not a medical condition. People are so quick to declare that they're stressed but they fail to realise that any work place which finds out about 'time off for stress' is far less likely to employ them for this very reason.

The worst thing is, many people who claim to have these problems are the same people who I see at local bars or pubs and who are drinking, sometimes quite heavily, despite these apparant problems. They actually talk about their 'illnesses' with other people who have 'illnesses' and it seems like some kind of perverse social circle which I'm glad I'm not part of.

I consider myself to be a normal person. I've not got any terrible personality defects, I've not got aspergers, autism, ME, bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, multiple personality disorder or stress. I suspect that might make me hugely unattractive to people but I would much prefer to be a normal boring person and enjoy my live than have to fill out an enormous list of medical problems every time I want to do any activity.

The people I feel really sorry for are those who actually have some of these disorders and have to live their life in competition with those who simply exaggerate their emotions and claim these problems as their own.

Snow Way...

2009 is over and once again we mark the beginning of the new year with quite a lot of frost and in many parts of the UK, a scattering of snow. Up until now I've heard the usual "I hope we have a white Christmas!" and "I can't wait for it to snow!" and then finally, when the first flecks of snow drop, "Yay! It's snowing."

If only snow days like this existed across the whole of the UK...

I, on the other hand, sit and wait for the snow with a sick feeling in my stomach. This is because I -- unlike everyone else it seems -- actually remembers what has happened previous years. Some people seem to stick with the romantic childhood memories they have of 'snow days' and schools being closed and there being so much of the white stuff it was impossible to get around. They remember days when the whole country came to a standstill and accepted the surprise holiday. They were days without worry.

But those days are over. Now, each winter is wet, incredibly cold and a fucking nightmare to travel during. The snow is not deep enough to warrant a snow day (unless you skive off work, of course) and the councils are not adept enough to keep the roads clear so you're left in the ultimate limbo of thinking 'I really need to get to work' but at the same time thinking 'Why the fuck are my brakes not working?' This is the harsh reality of British winter for the majority of the country.

I live in Staffordshire, in a particular area where the council is so useless and -- dare I say -- corrupt, that we haven't even got enough grit. Apparently it's too costly. Grit, which is just dirt with salt in it is to goddamn costly. But apparently sending the council leaders to Portugal or some place for important meetings isn't. Don't get me wrong, this is not new news or anything, it's a well known fact that a portion of the city centre where I live wasn't finished because of such council 'motivational outings'. I'd love to motivate those idiots with a Molotov through the window of their all-expenses paid houses... Well, I'm not a violent person but you see my point.

Anyway, we haven't got enough grit to have a safe journey and as a result we're all suffering. The sweaty, virus-ridden bowels of public transport are clogged with the bodies of flued-up commuters, the taxis are charging through the roof and everyone is struggling just to get to work in the mornings. "There's snow everywhere and it's turning to ice! I can't beleive how bad it is!" is what everyone is now saying as though it's some tremendous Newtonian discovery.

You can't believe how bad it is?... hmmm. How about, you think back 12 months and then you'll REMEMBER how bad it is because it's exactly what has happened every year for over a decade. There's been a bit of snow -- or a fuckload of ice -- and everyone is moaning. There's not much we can do whilst the council is spending money on trips abroad and hookers and god knows what else so how about we just shut up about it and stop wishing a crappy white Christmas on everyone?! Or, have a brain span of more than a couple of weeks.

For those people who live in areas which have had so much snow they can't contemplate going to work and can enjoy the wintery goodness; good for you. Just spare a thought for those who're stuck in the slushy, icy areas and have retarded people in charge... oh, and enjoy your snow. The rest of us should just remember we're not that lucky when the next dump of slushy crap is due to land on us.

That's the stuff. Isn't it lovely? NO! Remember this!

It's not just snow I dislike at this time of year. It's 'New Year's Resolutions'... has anyone ever kept a New Year's Resolution? In fact I stand corrected, the only person I know whose ever kept a New Year's Resolution is a guy who made a resolution a few years back to never make a Resolution. He seems to be doing pretty well and I don't blame him. Every year when I go to the gym there's a new influx of fat people who I see for all of a week before disappearing back into their crisp packets. What's the point even disappointing yourself anymore? Or, how about we all just make resolutions to continue doing the things we've tried (and failed) to stop doing for the last twenty years?

I only say this because I've just seen the first of many 'how to stop smoking' or 'how to get fit' programmes that are forced in our face every year. Why broadcast them at the one time of year which is notorious for people failing to stick to what they promise? I'll never understand. In this particular show there was a fat woman who wanted to lose weight and was, to be frank, a juggernaut. She followed what the presenter said, followed his crap diet and then we managed to get a glimpse of her a few months later after she'd been 'slimming' and guess what?

She still looked like the Hindenburg... crashing. Seen the video footage? All those people running away screaming as the massive blimp falls to the ground? That's you, honey.

"Oh, you look gorgeous", "I can't believe how slim you look", "Fabulous!". How can the presenters of these shows be happy with the outcome and not feel disappointed? This big manatee woman has just made you look like a lying knob and your diet look like tripe... how can you be happy?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not slagging off fat people because fat people are mint. The majority of fat people I know are happy with their weight and if they ever want to lose a few pounds they won't make promises they can't keep or go on national TV. It's just the act of appearing on these shows and conforming to the belief that making some half-arsed promise is going to make a difference that irritates me.

Happy New Year everyone, it's time to plaster on a fake smile and run through this shit one more time...

Why Look Forward When We Can Look Back?

How bad is it that we now have to look back to the past to enjoy the present? Recently, advertisers and companies have realised just how crap the present is and are beginning a revival of their past commercialt to try and usher in new profits without having to spend any effort thinking up new ways of grabbing our attention.

But there's a problem with this, because in our nanny culture present time many past adverts may be seen as a little too 'misleading' or 'cruel' to have on our modern boxes. A good example is the recent revival of the old Milky Way commercial which involves two cartoon cars racing each other. To the untrained eye, the new version of the commercial looks exactly the same... but it's not.

You see, the old commercial featured the same race to the same track however it was a slightly longer advert. In addition to the advert being slightly longer, the lyrics were different to how they are presented on the 2009 commercial. But we aren't meant to think about that... The old advert featured a hungry car that scoffed everything in his way as he raced from 'Lunchtown' across a desert. His rival was a car with more self control who instead chose to eat only a Milky Way before they ended their race in the aptly named 'Dinnertown'. Unfortunately, the hungry car eats so much during his race that he ballons in size and when the duo are met with a broken bridge, the poor car falls as his lighter companion rushes to victory as a sign flashes: Milky Way: The Sweet You Can Eat Between Meals Without Ruining Your Appetite.

The new advert is pretty much the same concept but it makes less sense. They race for an unknown reason from a place called 'Playville' across the same desert to a place called 'Light Town' and as the blue crosses the line, the sign now flashes Milky Way: Lighten Up and Play. In addition to this, the lyrics of the song have been changed to accomodate the new advertising rules. Instead of the blue car choosing the Milky Way because it 'won't spoil his appetite' he now chooses it because 'its something that tastes just right'.  And it seems his intelligence has dropped and he's no longer 'smart old blue', he's just 'good old blue'.

The red car and blue car race in the old Milky Way commercial.

So what does this teach us? It teaches us that in the twenty years since the advert was first aired, we're now fickle enough to believe that eating a chocolate bar before a meal won't spoil your dinner and now have to be protected from this claim. It also teaches us that in the last twenty years we have become stupider... This is true, at least.

Some of the best adverts of the past ten or twenty years are now no longer allowed to be broadcast. Take the fantastic Tango commercial which involved an orange man walking around with a huge rubber glove on his hand slapping people whilst the voiceover stated 'You know when you've been Tango'd'. This admittedly was copied by a lot of school kids, but did removing this advert actually make people less violent? No. In fact, since that advert was aired, gun and knife crime is up. If the people who make the advertising rules were to look at those statistics in the usual oversensitive way they look at everything else then it would be correct to say that instead of going around slapping each other kids now go around stabbing each other. You know when you've been shanked.

The Tango advert that featured the man that slapped people for fun.

So companies have realsied that there is a certain public fondness for 'blasts from the past' and in just about every industry you can see things from past years bought into the public eye. We have remixes of old songs, remakes of old movies and even some old programmes being bought back onto our TV screens. The only problem is, these things usually have to be edited for our stupider, more politically correct audience and it means that there no longer seems to be as much investment in new things that make us smile. It may seem cruel to say that we're stupider but it really does seem to be the case. Take kids TV, for example.

When I was younger I was watching programmes like Thundercats and MASK along with the hugely popular fantasy gameshow Knightmare. These programmes dealt with good and evil, where the bad guys were genunielly bad and the good guys were representing everything good with the world. When the bad guys had the shit kicked out of them, they wouldn't learn a lesson, they would just want revenge... like real life. I also remember that kids TV would opt for the more extravagent ways of describing something rather than choosing childish, easy to understand words and statements. And as for the gameshows? I watched a repeat episode of Knightmare a while back and there were questions on there that I would've been completely unable to answer when I was in the age group of the kids on the show. These kids, with barely a moments hesitation, shouted the answers out as though it was common knowledge. We really are far stupider and for some reason in modern kids shows there are never any real losers.

So, I guess the point I'm trying to make with this long rant about our past is that whilst we should be proud of the programmes we watched as children and the adverts we remember so much, we shouldn't just edit them and return them to our screens we should try to better them and forget about the stupidity and sensitiveness of our modern audiences.

As final proof of public stupidity, the recent 'Manuelgate' scandal that resulted from prank calls made by Jonathan Ross and Russel Brand on a primetime BBC radio show received only a handful of complaints when it was aired. Nobody cared about what happened, but as soon as it was on the news and in the papers, thousands of people complained even though they'd not seen the show. Why go to the trouble? Idiots.

Let's all look to a bright future of entertainment and make our own judgement calls, take risks and create new material without having to constantly revert back to the 'good old days' for things to market.