A couple of weekends ago I went to Autosport International at Birmingham's NEC Arena. It was primarily a Christmas present for my Dad and Grandad but it was a great opportunity for me to get out into the world and improve my knowledge of cars.
You see, I know a little bit about motorbikes because I own one. But with all the automotive shows on TV and the car conversations between fellow menfolk, I realised that I know little to nothing about the four-wheeled variety of transport. So, it was off to the Automotive show for me to learn stuff about cars and the people who drive and admire them... and boy did I learn stuff.
I must apologise for the quality of the below photos; they were taken from my phone because I didn't think to take a bigger, better camera (after all, everyone has seen a car before). It turns out that the people who did take larger cameras looked... well, a little unstable. My friend has a special way of describing that type of person that sums up the way they looked quite well... Seat sniffers.
Anyway, feel free to 'click to enlarge' them.
When we arrived, we were faced with a massive hall filled with cars and car stands and car-related merchandise. In fact, I was surprised when one of the first stalls I came too had this:
No, that's not a two-wheeled car. That's a motorbike. It was one of about three motorbikes in the show, but it was welcoming to see something I could photograph and inspect without feeling stupid. One of the great fears I had was that I would be looking at a car and someone would come and talk to me about car things and leave me feeling out of my depth thus forcing me to contemplate soiling myself to get out of an awkward conversation. So, the motorbike was a nice addition to an otherwise car-dominated show.
After looking around some of the racing cars from different eras, it was time for us to go into an arena and watch some of the cars in action. I was looking forward to this bit because the arena was loud and flashy and I didn't have to worry about strangers talking to me because it was too loud.
The arena was like a club: it had lasers, a big screen with jazzy images, and smoke machines. It was also full of sweaty men so I guess it was more similar to some clubs than others but there was far more entertainment value to be had here.
The show started when two excitable people came into the hall and started telling pre-planned car jokes and getting the crowd 'warmed up' for the activities to follow. I'm sure I was meant to recognise them, but I didn't. Almost immediately after they finished their introduction, the hall was filled with the sound of screeching tyres and the smell of petrol as different vehicles entered and did their thing. It started with a motocross stunt bike show and then moved on to a number of short car demonstrations.
Some of the cars were trained to 'drift' sideways:
Whilst impressive, it was clear that the people driving these had started their careers doing doughnuts on a Tesco car park.
Another show was about cars that were considered to be the 'Best of British' as a result of their style, handling and blistering speed... despite this, they were driven at about two miles an hour around the arena, presumably to give time for the strange men with the big cameras to take plenty of photos for that special hidden folder on their computer:
This was then followed by a couple of the more enjoyable exhibitions including a load of three-wheeled cars which could barely stay upright:
The show wrapped up with a couple of explosions and then we all headed back into the main hall to look around the different stands. I must admit, I was quite looking forward to getting amongst the cars and I wasn't disappointed. One of the first exhibits we came to had one of the few cars I did recognise:
Whilst I was surprised at the size of the F1 cars, the thing that shocked me the most was the steering wheels:
It may be hard to see from my crappy photo, but that is basically an X-Box controller on steroids. God only knows what all those buttons do, but I'm pretty sure that if the driver hits the right sequence of buttons he would get an extra life or shoot a banana peel out of the back of his car or something.
Two other cars that seemed vaguely familiar were probably once owned by Batman and the second of the two, whilst aesthetically pleasing, was hinted at being a prostitute car by the sign that had been left on its windscreen:
There was also a part of the hall that had cars up for auction. This was probably my favourite part of the show because even I could appreciate some of these lovely looking vehicles. Granted, some of them were clearly compensating for something:
... and others were bit small...
...but all of them had character. There were some really interesting designs from throughout the last 50 years.
Coming out of the auction area, I came face to face with the university stands that were commandeered by students of mechanical engineering who discussed their engine designs with my Grandad. It was funny because, being students, they had not had enough life experience to realise that you never talk to an elderly gentleman about engines because it will literally take up your whole day. I think that by the time my Grandad was through with the poor kid he was rethinking the future of his degree.
Moving on, there were more 'angels' strutting around giving away free calendars and having their photos taken with various gentlemen who were undoubtedly going to tag them as their girlfriends on Facebook. This was all amongst stands that were advertising brake pads and tyres.
At the very end of the hall, we finally made it to the area that interested me the most. This was where the science stuff was. This consisted of the fastest cars on the planet (the kind that break the sound barrier and anyone who makes a mistake whilst driving them) and some of the newer vehicles destined for service on the front lines with the armed forces. Granted, there was still the occasional 'angel' fluttering around, but it was very insightful to get a close up look at some of the vehicles that have broken records in recent years amongst people who knew their stuff and were happy to talk about it.
We finally finished the day with a look at some of the faster street cars such as the Ariel Atom and others that seemed to be missing parts like roofs and back seats before being handed a bag of goodies on our way out. I must say, it was a truly enjoyable day and one that I would recommend to anyone who likes (or wants to learn more about) cars. Here are a few of the lessons I learnt:
1) A car doesn't have to have four wheels to be a car
2) Cars don't need roofs, or back seats... assuming you don't mind being wet and lonely
3) Angels don't have wings and probably have STD's
4) Cars carry their young on their back
5) Some people look at cars in a way that makes other people feel uncomfortable
Despite the fun I had, I think I will stick to my motorbike for the time being, but I may consider another car show in the future.
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