I had a little bit of a sinking feeling when watching the trailer. Once again, it would seem that Hollywood has run out of ideas and, not content with making films based on theme park rides or phone apps, they have now decided to go back in time a little and make classic board games into movies.
The strangest thing about this is not that it is based on a board game, it's the fact that they managed to get it wrong. You see, although it is never specified who the enemy is when you are playing the board game Battleship, it is fairly obvious that the enemy is not aliens. In the movie however, the enemy is most definitely aliens.
Now, without seeing the film I cannot judge it but there are some things that immediately don't make sense. For example, why would aliens, who have clearly mastered interstellar travel come all the way to Earth to sit in some water and blast at things with cannons... afterall, they could surely do that from orbit? And why create a 'force bubble' around the area of combat instead of around your own hull?
Anyway, Liam Neeson is in the film so maybe he will save it, but the whole thing got me thinking: maybe there are more board games that could be adapted to film? Afterall, there are some that must make more sense than Battleship. For example:
Hungry Hungry Hippos:
The premise: Scientists in some large, generic American city, capture and test various drugs on hippos in an effort to produce a cure for Parkinson's disease. The tests go terribly wrong and the hippos -- now stained different colours by the drugs -- are whipped into an eating frenzy, growing larger, more powerful and more aggressive in the process.
The plot: These 'super hippos' escape the labs and begin decimating the American cities. Animal welfare organisations step in and insist that the government capture the hippos in a humane way to minimize the stress to the already pissed off hippos. A couple of failed attempts at capture later and the government decide that they will shoot the hippos. An unknown hero (probably Nicholas Cage) -- a hippo expert -- warns the government that shooting one of the hippos will only cause the others to become more frenzied. The government ignores his advise and kills one of the hippos, causing the others to frenzy and enter a busy shopping mall. Inside, people are trapped with the raging hippos.
Nicholas Cage, who now has the attention of the government forces and is aided by a sexy lady scientist, devises a method to drug the hippos with an experimental antidote that was made in the same labs in which the hippos were produced. Cramming the drugs into white balls, Nicholas and the sexy scientist have to get safely inside the mall and get the hippos to eat as many drug balls as possible. They succeed and America is saved.
There's also some hippo-based nudity.
The movie poster:
Cluedo:
The premise: A group of people from different backgrounds are invited to a mansion owned by a deceased, distant family member. These people are told that they will each inherit a portion of the fortune but if any of them have passed away, the others will get a larger share.
The plot: Upon hearing that they could be in for a larger share if someone were to pass away, the various characters begin scheming against each other and as paranoia and distrust fills the mansion, a body is found. One of the people has been killed. But who is the killer?
A police inspector (probably Gary Oldman or someone like that) is called in to investigate and the suspects are all confined to the mansion. The exceedingly long film progresses with various accusations and some boring reveals about each of the characters pasts. A murder weapon is found, the location is known but each suspect seems to have a sold alibi. In the end (if anyone is actually still paying attention) there is a twist to the story which reveals that the killer was in fact the inspector who had been in the mansion all along and had committed murder to revive his dead career and prove himself to his superiors.
No nudity, or possibly a little bit of bum.
The movie poster:
Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur:
The premise: Imagine Jurassic Park, but instead of the dinosaurs all escaping and creating havoc on the island, they get pissed and spin around wildly in their enclosures, knocking over various supplies whilst vomiting.
The plot: The genetically engineered dinosaurs are accidentally introduced to alcohol after the islands wine barrels are damaged in a storm and their contents seep into the dinosaurs drinking water from the wine cellar on the island. The drunken dinosaurs spin uncontrollably, crashing into power supplies and fences, causing power surges throughout the park. With the power gone and the dinosaurs on the loose, the surviving humans have to dodge the spinning beasts and save as many of their supply crates as possible. In those crates are emergency beacons, food, flares and inflatable boats but will they be able to get to them before the dinosaurs do?
They do. And they get off the island. And then the drunken dinosaurs have a massive hangover. And die.
The movie poster:
The only nudity is some massive dinosaur dong.
I think, all in all, they could make some pretty damn good movies if Hollywood is successful with Battleship.
Ah, who am I kidding, they are all going to be toss... especially Battleship.
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