Schadenfreude

I realised the other day that there really is a child in me. I’m not confessing to some weird cannibalistic killing either: you all know the child I talk about. It's in all of us. It's a little snigger that erupts when the fat kid falls over, when someone swears on prime time TV, or when a child says something racist. Something happens to someone and you just know you shouldn’t laugh. It’s only then that the child comes out.

I’m going to give you a bit of background on what I was like as a child and why I don’t think this childish nature ever leaves us.

I’ve discussed before the incident where I ended up going to A&E after a helicopter flew into my eye. That is just one example of the many things I did when I was younger that were utterly stupid. That child who was sitting in A&E with the eye patch on and a broken helicopter was the same child who once tried to make a homemade bazooka using a drainpipe and a firework.

 The look I was going for was like this, but less Matt Damony.

When I was young I always had a good group of friends and none of them were really trouble makers. True, the person who provided the firework and the motivation to create this homemade explosive device was a person who my parents referred to as ‘that big stupid idiot’ but his heart was in the right place. You see, we used to play army and we always endeavoured for realism. We played these games in the farmer’s fields near my house which provided large hedges and ditches (almost like a smaller version of the French Bocage). This was perfect for games of army. The only problem was that the ditches swayed people into just taking cover without risk and the game did get a bit boring. Granted, we were only using cap guns, but I wanted a faster paced game.

So, to add an additional element of realism to the game I tried – and succeeded – in flushing out my hiding friends using a rocket firework launched from within a short length of drainpipe. The only problem was – much like real RPG’s – you tended to get a blowback as the rocket left its poorly secured piece of tape which fixed it to the inside of the pipe. This was how I ended up with a burnt armpit (I still have small scars) and a group of friends who would not speak to me for days because I managed to flush them from their ditch... and perhaps because I may have put their lives in danger a little bit.

But this danger was all in the name of fun and it was hilarious when people got hurt. In fact, the first response of any child when someone is hurt is to run off as quickly as possible. I recall a few occasions when this childish masochism was demonstrated beautifully:

The first happened during summer of 1996. We were bored and England had lost the European Cup so people had many pent up frustrations. The usual stone fights with the kids who lived across the canal  had grown tedious (there’s no better way show your dislike for outsiders than to stone them – a method of punishment most modern day Iranians never quite grow out of) and so we took to making other weapons to bring about pain and thus, fun. One of these homemade horrors was a strip of branch from a simple bush that grew in the fields near to us. When broken off and stripped of the outer bark, these slender branches would form formidable whips which could be thrown through bicycle spokes, poked into people’s ears or,  when occasion called for it, whipping people in the arse. Bear in mind, these branches could whip an aluminium can in two so safety was paramount. This was taken into consideration by my friend who gave a strict warning to another mate to ‘duck’ before proceeding to whip the branch towards his face. Of course, this 1 second warning just prompted the victim to reply with “what?” as the branch tore through his lip and extended his smile by an inch.

 Yeah, kind of like this.

Bloodied and crying, what did we do to help ? We legged it. After all, we would all be blamed for playing with the things so we promptly decided it was home time. When we saw the victim the next day with his lip glued we just laughed (gluing wounds was still new to us) and someone actually said, “Well, he did give you fair warning.”

 Another incident was when myself and another friend helped to make a rope swing across the brook that ran through our estate. We were proud of the effort we had put into it and annoyed when other kids started to use it for their own fun. This would not be tolerated. So, one morning we woke up early, went to our rope swing and cut a notch into the rope before promptly leaving. When other kids turned up to use the rope swing we watched from afar as they took turns swinging on it. At first we thought our bit of sabotage had not worked but then as the oldest kid had a go there was a snap. Followed by a scream. The thing was, unlike most startled screams, this one didn’t stop. In fact, it sounded quite bad. It turned out the kid had broken his leg.

Finally, my last example of childishness that could’ve led to terrible things was when ‘bigger kids’ stole a raft that we had made for use on the canal that ran near to my house. This was a proper raft: oil drums with wood lashed on top. It floated perfectly... for a while. Obviously, when we heard of the theft, me and my best friend (the person who had helped me cut the rope swing and who was buried by porn in a later incident) made it our mission to find the raft. We succeeded. Now, the logical thing would’ve been to take the raft back and store it somewhere safely... but where is the fun in that? After all, the bullies who were using the raft were poor and everyone knows that poor people don’t swim all that well.

So, my friend and I set about puncturing each and every oil drum with a penknife. This meant that the raft would float until it got about half way across the canal where it would promptly sink. Incidentally, the first of the bullies to have a go was quite fat and this only meant that the raft sank faster. Revenge was sweet and defeat probably tasted like rat piss and hepatitis A.

So, you question what it was that reminded me of the child in me? It was a video on the Internet. And no, it wasn’t that kind of video. It was a video of a policeman in America who had just had something yelled at him by one of the hippies who are currently protesting outside all major capitalist establishments. This policeman – who had clearly had enough – decided to punch the hippy full-on in the face. According to the report he then decided to tase the man.

Now, this was not funny for any political reason. Whilst I don’t openly support what they are protesting about (yes the banks have screwed us over, but I can’t afford to take time off work to moan about it) I don’t disagree with them either. It was just funny to watch an unwashed person mouth off to someone who was just doing their job; then promptly pay for it.

Yes the policeman was in the wrong. Yes, he deserves to be sacked... but he also deserves a medal for reminding me of why something is very funny when it happens to someone else.