Endangered Species

I recently looked back through my posts and realised that I perhaps appear a little more harder than I am in real life and this does probably paint a fairly negative image of me. I realise that cynicism can sometimes be misinterpreted as someone not giving a toss. The truth is, I really do care about the world we live in and (some) of the people in it. I also care about animals. As a result of this little revelation, I felt it prudent for me to bring to light the plight of some of the endangered species that are on this planet.

Below is a list of some of my favourite endangered animals and what I feel is so wonderful about them:

1) Abbott's Booby: This is an endangered sea bird which can be found on Christmas Island in the Indian Ocean. Whilst there are a lot of boobies around and sometimes we can find our minds utterly transfixed by other boobies, we need to focus on this particular booby and help this booby and protect this booby... well, I think you see why I think this bird is so special, its named after tits.

But in all seriousness, this bird is having a fucking rough time. It's habitat was severely damaged by phosphate mining and if that wasn't enough, the poor bastard has to deal with cyclones and even some little critters called 'Yellow Crazy Ants'. I shit you not, this bird is being terrorised by ants that are not only disturbingly yellow but also so openly crazy that their mental instability has to be included as part of their name.

"Did that man just call me a tit?"
Photo courtesy of orangeisland

2) Pakistan Sand Cat: This cat is small and appears to be very similar in many respects to your normal domestic cat except it's ears are large, it makes barking sounds and as it's name suggests, this furry little creature fucking loves sand; can't get enough of the stuff. As it lives primarily in desert environments, it has grown accustomed to the heat and also, because the desert is essentially one great big litter tray, it enjoys being able to shit anywhere without the worry of whether or not anyone will tread in it.

Unfortunately the sand cat is hunted because it's interesting fur makes it quite an attractive scarf. This is a terrible shame because it's such an elusive cat... so elusive in fact, that scientists can't even be sure of it's numbers. In fact, it is so elusive that there could be millions of the buggers in the desert and it might not even be endangered at all. But still, it's a nice cat.

"Woof"
Photo courtesy of Predator Conservation Trust 

3) African Wild Ass: Well, as its name suggests, this is one wild ass. The African Wild Ass kinda looks like a grey donkey with some zebra stripes that creep up the front of it's legs. I presume its name comes from the fact that it's most active at night and during the early hours and is known for a particularly loud noise it makes which can be heard 3km away (the natural world's universal call for 'party over here!').

They are such party animals that they have become completeley dependant on drinking. In fact, they must drink at least once every three days to survive. Of course the source I get my information from (Wikipedia) doesn't confirm whether or not the donkey prefers to drink ales or liqours. Undoubtedly it's reputation as a hardcore motherfucka party animal means that people (presumably students) have captured much of the wild population and forced it to inbreed and become domesticated, taking away its party spirit and leaving a drastically small wild population. Harsh.

 Don't let this donkey fool you; it's a hardcore party animal

Photo courtesy of Brent Huffman

4) African Penguin: Well, there really isn't much to say about this one. It's down on the vulnerable species list and may become endangered if something is not done quickly. Whilst some people believe its population decrease is down to oil spills and chemicals in the water I feel that people are clearly missing quite an obvious problem. It's a penguin living in Africa. The poor things are probably lost...

 "Where the fuck am I?"
Photo courtesy of Penguin Peferction

5) Agile Gibbon:  This wonderful monkey creature lives in the forests of Thailand and Malaysia and is one fast monkey. It doesn't have a tail and swings rapidly from tree to tree, presumably giving this primate its mint name. But swinging isn't the only thing this magnificent monkey can do, this thing can sing its heart out. So you have an agile monkey that loves to sing; why would such a thing be endangered? Well, that's our bad because it's down to deforestation.

Picture this: he's swinging along, singing his favourite MJ song and life is wonderful. He's showing off, swiftly moving from tree to tree, and suddenly... FUCK. There's no trees. Suddenly, he isn't as much agile as he is 'fally' or 'plummety'. So please, help save these Plummety Gibbons.

 "My milkshake brings all the boys to the... hey, what're they doing with our trees?"
Photo courtesy of International Rhino Fund

6) Albanian Water Frog: This is a truly amazing frog because unlike other frogs, this frog lives in water... wait a second. I feel a bit cheated by this one... It's name gives the false impression that this frog is somehow different from other ones across the globe. Ah, screw it. We can afford to lose this one, after all there's plenty of other 'water frogs' out there...

 "Need Water..."

7) Big White Fish: I figured I would mention this because it's on the endangered species list but I've been unable to find any information about this particular animal. I suspect that someone once said, "Jesus George, did you just see that big white fish?" to which his friend replied, "No." The next logical step was to then say "Wow, I've never seen one before. It must be endangered."

I wonder if they mean 'Great White Shark'...

 'Big White Fish'

8) Ganges River Shark: I make mention of this one for two reasons: The first is that it's a freshwater shark so that makes it quite special. The second is that it represents a species which is under threat all over the world. As a diver, I have a special place in my heart for sharks.

The problem is that people are very afraid of sharks as a result they feel the need to kill them. I think this is a shame because there are a lot of things I'm afraid of -- like rowdy tramps and clowns -- but I would be frowned upon for killing them. The second reason sharks are killed is because the Japanese feel that their fins would be put to better use in a soup and there is also a belief that they are a natural aphrodisiac... Hmmm. I feel it would be far better for erectally dysfunctional Japanese to simply watch a porno or buy some Viagra rather than kill a shark.

"Shit, Dave! Swim! There's some kinky Japanese in the water!"

9) Giant Panda: I had to make mention of this interesting creature. It's a bear but unlike other bears, it's cute and fluffy and as a result, not quite as terrifying. Also, the fact that it just sits on its arse all day eating bamboo probably has an impact on the animals fear factor. For a long time it has been the symbol of the WWF and for a good portion of this time children thought it was a new wrestler and longed for the day it would enter the ring and fight Hulk Hogan... until the World Wrestling Federation changed their name to World Wrestling Entertainment and cleared up the confusion. To be fair, I think Hogan probably would've won.

The problems that are causing this animal to be endangered are habitat loss and the fact that the animal is completely bone idle. It literally can't be arsed to do anything except sit and eat. It can't even be arsed to have sex. Some conservationists think the wild panda population is on the rise... others just think that trying to save the panda is like pissing in the wind.

"We had sex ten years ago, what do you think I am, a machine?"

Photo courtesy of David Sheppar

  

10) North American Black-Footed Ferret: This deserves a mention because I am a fan of mustelids and own a couple of ferrets myself. This poor creature is being killed and having it's food source -- prairie dogs -- slaughtered and moved away by man. As a result, this little bouncy creature is struggling to survive in the wild.

For those of you who're fortunate enough to have ever met a ferret, you'll know that they are friendly, comical, active little animals that have far more personality than people give them credit. They are bad and constantly cause trouble (I just discovered the other day that mine had been collecting spoons and hiding them and that the insoles of my shoes were missing) but they are wonderful animals. Hopefully organisations will take note and help save this truly great mammal.

"Let's steal their insoles and hoard their spoons... revenge is sweet."

Photo courtesy of greenexpander

Well, I hope this has been an interesting wildlife lesson for you all. Just remember when you're down and the whole world seems to be out to get you and everything seems to be going wrong for you, it could be worse...

... you could be a panda.